FILM REVIEW OF ''SURROGATES'' (2009)

"Terminator 3" director Jonathan Mostow must have seemed like the perfect choice for the Bruce Willis science fiction crime thriller "Surrogates," (** out of ****)about life-like robots serving as the arms and legs of future society. "Terminator: Salvation" scenarists John Brancato and Michael Ferris adapted the five-issue, limited series, Top Shelf Comics graphic novel "The Surrogates" that Robert Venditti wrote and Brett Weldele illustrated. Naturally, Mostow and his writers wound up making some inevitable changes. Nevertheless, the premise of "Surrogates" has lost none of its intrigue. Venditti told "The Graphic Novel Reporter" magazine about the origins of "Surrogates": "It dawned on me that if you were somehow able to create a persona and send it out into the real world—where it could go to work for you, and run your errands, and so on—then you would never have to go back to being yourself."
Consequently, the agoraphobic society of "Surrogates" confines themselves to interacting vicariously with each other through surrogate androids. Often, these humanoid robots are younger and sexier than their operators. Sometimes, a man masquerades as a female android, and Caucasian Americans pose as African-Americans.

After the first 45 minutes, however, this futuristic, Philip K. Dick style saga about the changes that surrogates have wrought on mankind degenerates into a predictable FBI procedural that loses its urgency. Ultimately, Bruce Willis must forsake the flawed justice system, turn into a rogue cop, and defeat corruption at the highest levels. Were this not enough, Brancato and Ferris insert a subplot about our hero's son who died tragically in a car accident and his persistent struggle to pull his wife out of the depression that she suffers as a result of their son's death. Little of this scenario, however, turns out to be thrilling. The villains aren't intimidating enough, and the heroes simply aren't that heroic. Some of the action is interesting, but there is absolutely nothing in the way of suspense until our hero has to venture into the cold, cruel world without a surrogate and even then nothing exciting happens.

"Surrogates" opens with a prologue that covers the origins of these androids and how they became an everyday fact of life. Mostow and his writers do an admirable job of setting up the premise so it seems believable. The year is 2017. Everybody plugs into a life-sized surrogate and conducts their daily business with the use of these
robots. Few people leave their houses. The crime rate plunges. Surrogates are less prone to injury. They can leap over cars to avoid being struck by other vehicles. Finally they are immune to STDs. Imagine living like you were in "The Matrix," where you spend most of your waking hours sprawled on a couch, with sensory headgear attached to your noggin that enables you to carry on your daily activities through
a surrogate robot. Indeed, you cannot walk down the street without seeing surrogates everywhere, and few people own surrogates that don't add glamor to their appearance.

Government Agents Tom Greer (Bruce Willis of "Die Hard") and Jennifer Peters (Radha Mitchell of "Melinda and Melinda") work in the FBI's Surrogate Crime Unit. When two surrogates and their human operators are murdered under mysterious circumstances, Special Agent Andrew Stone Boris Kodjoe)assigns Greer and Peters to investigate what constitutes the first murder in many moons. Somebody has obtained a deadly weapon that fires a jagged blue lightning bolt at a surrogate and kills the operator with the same blast. Later, the killer wipes out five Boston cops on his heels. As it turns out, one of the initial homicide victims was the son of Canter (James Cromwell of "L.A. Confidential"), who invented surrogates for the VSI Corporation. In the beginning, Cantor felt that surrogates would make life easier for people with handicaps who could not get out. As it turns out, the villains were trying to kill Cantor, not his son. Nevertheless, the elder Canter had loaned his surrogate to his university age son (James Francis Ginty of "K-19 Widowmaker") who had planned a night out on the town when the murderer struck. Greer starting snooping and learns that the weapon used to kill Canter's son had been tested by the Pentagon. The military canceled their order when they discovered the lethal side effects of the weapon. Basically, the weapon transmits a virus to the humanoid machines, enters their operator's head and liquefied their brains.

Mostow and his writers have divided "Surrogates" into two movies: the surrogate homicide investigation and Greer's tragic personal home life. The situation hits the fan when the FBI track down a suspect, Strickland (Jack Noseworthy of "Breakdown"), who has the weapon. Strickland flees from the Boston Police while Greer follows him
overhead in an FBI chopper. Certain areas are off limits to surrogates and humans who refuse to use surrogates live in those areas. Strickland heads to a zone where surrogates are not allowed to enter. Greer's helicopter crashes in one of these areas and the humans attack Greer, obliterate him, and hang him in effigy. Now, Greer has to venture out into society as himself without a surrogate and he finds it difficult to negotiate a world overrun by robots.

Unfortunately, "Surrogates" runs out of steam, and the ending is as contrived as they come. This may be the first film to espouse a negative attitude toward futuristic technology that intrudes into our lives. The villains fail to make an impression. Brancato and Ferris spring some surprises, but none are truly alarming. The scene near the end where all the people fall down in the streets was probably a hassle to stage. "Surrogates" is imaginative but rarely exciting thriller. The idea that technology will exact a toll of our humanity and its ramifications is more interesting than it hopped up action scenes. Bruce Willis can do better than this nonsense. "Gamer" was far better than this lame whodunit.

FILM REVIEW OF ''DEATHSTALKER III: DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL"

As sword & sorcery sagas go, “Deathstalker III: Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell” (**1/2 out of ****) surpasses “Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans.” John Terlesky and company in “Deathstalker II” might as well have been swatting at each other with tennis rackets for all the swashbuckling thrills and chills that the tame first sequel failed to deliver. John Allen Nelson of “Hunk” looks like he could be the eponymous character. Mind you, Nelson is no match for Rick Hill but he is a hundred times better than Terlesky, and Mexican director Alfonso Corona shuns the juvenile antics that Jim Wynorski emphasized in “Deathstalker II.” Moreover, nobody gives an embarrassing performance in “Deathstalker III” that compares with the truly abysmal performance of Monique Gabrielle. Although it isn’t as campy as its pathetic predecessor, “Deathstalker III” contains some humor. Director Corona prefers to play things along the lines of the straight and narrow. For example, a secondary character dies under tragic circumstances so this second sequel isn't as lightweight as the first sequel. The only flaw in the original “Deathstalker” was the death of our hero’s companion too early in the action. Conversely, the character of Marinda here is introduced early in the action and survives until the finale when she helps our unarmed protagonist defeat the villain.

“Deathstalker” scenarist Howard Cohen sticks to the tried-and-true formula of the strong man who rescues a comely princess from the clutches of an evil sorcerer. Occasionally, Corona and Cohen generate a modicum of suspense, particularly in Deathstalker’s torture scene and Cohen scores with one major surprise that enhances the action. Further, Cohen has an adolescent character that is good with a bow and arrow appear at opportune moments, but he foreshadows the child’s skill with the weapon. Basically, “Deathstalker III” revolves around two multi-faceted white stones that when combined will yield their power. These two stones will take the owner to Erendor, the city of lost treasure. The villainous tyrant of Southland, Troxartes (Thom Christopher of NBC-TV’s “Buck Rogers of the 25th Century”), possesses one stone, while Deathstalker winds up with the second stone. He obtained his stone from a princess running around incognito to find a wizard. Indeed, Carissa (Carla Herd of “Wild Zone” in a dual role) has spent the last three years searching for Nicias (veteran Mexican actor Aarón Hernán) who wanders from village to village prophesying about the villagers’ future. One cool looking villain, Inaros (Roger Cudney of “The Border”), rides around with batwings attached to either side of his helmet. This entry in the quartet of sword and sorcery sagas was lensed on location in Mexico, but it is still a low-rent Roger Corman spectacle. The orchestral music by Alejandro Rulfo and Israel Torres captures the atmosphere of this mock-heroic nonsense, and Troxartes makes good use of a falcon as his eyes in the skies.

The first scene in “Deathstalker III” resembles the opening scene in “Conan the Barbarian” when the evil warriors stormed a village, killed most of the inhabitants and captured young Conan. Deathstalker is enjoying himself at a village festival, swapping blows with an adversary on a felled tree as they battle with long sticks. At the same time, the long, gray-haired wizard Nicias tells those who can afford his prices what their future holds. Nicias wears a long fur robe. Carissa has been looking for Nicias and shows him her half of the stone, fully expecting the wizard to have the other half. Suddenly, warriors on horseback wearing ominous armory ride into the village and start slaying people. Deathstalker fights them long enough for Nicias to escape and vanish into thin air with only his smoking footwear to note his presence. Carissa flees, and she winds up in Deathstalker’s camp where she identifies herself as a princess. Deathstalker is amused by his luck. “Why is it I keep getting mixed up with princesses?” Carissa tells him about Erendor and its treasure. “Enough to make my people strong forever,” she assures him. Deathstalker isn’t impressed. “Here I go again, riding hundreds of miles, fighting whole armies, up against magic maybe. In the end all I will get is flowers on my heading telling me how wonderful I am.”

No sooner has Deathstalker seen his future than the same warriors who raided the village strike his camp and kill Carissa. She gives the stone to Deathstalker. Before she dies, Carissa tells Deathstalker about her sister Belizean. According to Carissa, “It was either me or my sister and she cannot put on her own shoes.” This description fits Elizena. Later, after Deathstalker eludes Troxartes, he stumbles into a valley looking for a horse. He tries to steal one from a mother and daughter who live in the valley and live on a diet of potatoes. Marinda (Claudia Inchaurregui of “The Bikini War”) is the daughter who hasn’t set foot outside the valley and has never made love to a man. Marinda lets Deathstalker deflower her and then leads him out of the valley. Mom believes that Deathstalker has abducted her daughter so she leads Troxartes’ army after them.
Once he is safely away, Deathstalker runs into Carissa’s sister, Elizena, and Elizena is every inch the stuck-up princess that we’re used to seeing.

Troxartes hungers from the second stone. His mistress Camisarde (Terri Treas of “All That Jazz”) asks him, “Aren’t you rich enough without one more jewel?” She goes on to add, “You own every inch of land and peasant between here and the sea and me if you ever noticed.” Troxartes points out, “That city is power. The magic of a thousand generations lives in the stones of its wall waiting to erupt by the one who puts these stone together. When this is complete the world is mine. With it I’ll live forever!” Troxartes keeps track of Deathstalker with a falcon. Elizena spends the night in Deathstalker’s camp, without sharing hi blankets. The next day she leaves early, only to be assaulted by wandering swordsman, but Troxartes comes to her rescue and takes her back to his castle. Deathstalker follows, clashes swords with Troxartes, releases the warriors in his power, and defeats the dastard.

“Deathstalker III” is a relief after the abomination of “Deathstalker II. Corona and Cohen bring more dignity and pathos to this installment and—aside from the excerpts of the castle from Corman’s “The Raven”—rely less of previous footage from “Deathstalker” than any of the other entries in the franchise, including the 2003 remake “Barbarian.”

FILM REVIEW OF "JENNIFER'S BODY" (2009)

Megan Fox takes top billing in “Æon Flux” director Karyn Kusama’s evil girl horror comedy “Jennifer’s Body,” (**** out of *****) an original, R-rated, feminist chiller about a lusty succubus and her vengeful adversary. Of course, “Transformers” babe Megan sheds not a stitch, but she chows down on dudes with an appetite. Although it lacks the onion layers of detail that characterized Diablo Cody’s Oscar-winning “Juno” script, “Jennifer’s Body” possesses a mischievous “Heathers” meets “Carrie” quality that transcends its blood and gore basics. Indeed, the dialogue bears the quintessential Cody quality. Meaning, it is self-conscious, flirtatious, and quotable, like nothing you’d expect in a standard issue scary movie. The characters aren’t the usual ensemble of fish bait waiting to be munched by the bunch. “Jennifer’s Body” never wears out its welcome and Kusama keeps it compelling, even when she is not trying to jolt up with a scare.

Anita ‘Needy’ (Amanda Seyfried of "Mamma Mia!") and Jennifer (Megan Fox) have been best friends since they met in a sandbox. Indeed, they wear matching necklaces with heart-shaped pendants bearing the initials BFF in them. They attend the same high school in the small town of Devil’s Kettle, Minnesota. The town takes its name from a local waterfall that apparently has no bottom. Scientists have been tossing everything known to mankind short of humans into the pool, but nothing has come back. Jennifer convinces Needy to ditch her drummer boyfriend, Chip (Johnny Simmons of “The Spirit”), for the evening and accompany her to a honky-tonk called The Melody Lounge Tavern where a big city indie Goth band named ‘Low Shoulder’ is scheduled to perform. Chip warns them that the bar is a dive. Nothing, however, can distract Jennifer from sexy lead singer Nikolai Wolf (Adam Brody of “Grind”) and he reciprocates her interest. In fact, the whole band agrees that Nikolai has chosen well. During their performance, a fire erupts in the tavern and flames engulf everything. Several people perish, but Needy and Jennifer escape without a scratch. Right behind them with a drink in his hand appears Nikolai.

Not surprisingly, Nikolai has mesmerized Jennifer and persuaded her to jump into his sinister van with his fellow musicians. Needy turns them down. The next time that Needy sees Jennifer, our hot chick protagonist stands drenched in blood and projectile vomits black goo all over Needy’s linoleum kitchen floor. Needy describes it to Chip as “roadkill and sewing needles mixed together.'' The next morning Needy sees Jennifer in class looking none the worse for wear. Before she was just a cheerleader, but now Jennifer has mutated into pure evil. Indeed, Jennifer lives to gobble up guys. Literally, she feasts off the flesh of teenage boys. She lives to kill and she doesn’t care who she gets. Jennifer’s lack of discrimination spells big trouble for her. Sometimes, she attracts an audience of woodland creatures who join in on the human buffet after she has stuffed herself.

One of the high school teachers, Mr. Wroblewski (J.K. Simmons of “Extract”) stumbles out into the woods behind the school and finds the star linebacker, Jonas Konelle (Josh Emerson of “Comeback Season”) dead on his back. Jennifer has ripped Jonas’ stomach wide open, and a “Bambi” type doe licks his innards. Eventually, Jennifer lets Needy in on her secret. The Goth band sacrificed her to Satan and carved her up. Nikolai and company thought Jennifer was a virgin, but she wasn’t one. Now, she has come back as a demon with a need to feed. When she looks her best, Jennifer has been feeding. When she runs out of guys to eat, she looks horrible. She doesn’t wear make-up and her hair loses its fluff. Eventually, Jennifer begins to eyeball Needy’s boyfriend Chip so Needy ditches him at the spring high school formal. Needy and Jennifer part company as friends when the latter attacks Chip. This is about the time that things really start to happen, emphasizing the dominant theme of gals versus gals in a struggle between demonic titans.

Basically, “Jennifer’s Body” qualifies as a standard Dracula versus Van Helsing type yarn. No, vampires do not infest in this outstanding fright flick. A monster roams the land, feeding off defenseless mankind, specifically teenage guys, and a hero—heroine in this instance--must destroy it after acquiring the knowledge. Happily, this formulaic nail biter told in flashback mode springs a sufficient number of surprises. The action is narrated from Needy’s perspective and her first line is: “Hell is a teenage girl.” This film chronicles the friendship between Needy and Jennifer and their virtually psychic bond. For example, Needy has an uncanny way of knowing where Jennifer is and she can sometimes experience what Jennifer is doing. Director Kusama, who also directed “Girlfight,” splashes buckets of bloods all over “Jennifer’s Body,” but she draws the line at gratuitous nudity, though a gratuitous lesbian make-out scene occurs over half-way through the pictures’ 101 minutes.

Sometimes the predictable occurs as it should, but sometimes Kusama and Cody pull a switcheroo. Primarily, Megan Fox has to look spectacular with lots of lip gloss, but Kusama never lets her starlet embarrass herself. Fox gets to play a round character in that the character undergoes change. She starts out as straight vampy cheerleader Jennifer and turns into demonic Jennifer. On the other hand, Seyfried and a strong supporting cast, including J.K. Simmons, as a teacher with a prosthetic arm, get a lot of mileage out of their contribution. The ending is terrific, too.

FILM REVIEW OF "THE BALLAD OF JACK & ROSE" (2005)

You either love “The Ballad of Jack & Rose”(**** out of ****) or you hate it. I loved it, but I hated watching it the first time because it is a genuine work of art with shocks and surprise that you cannot prepare yourself for and you shutter when you see what is going to happen. Furthermore, I can understand why some people would heap praise on this quirky bit of avant-garde filmmaking while others would condemn it to oblivion. The characters lack sympathy. They are all very selfish. The protagonist turns over a new leaf toward the end, but you don't see it coming. “The Ballad of Jack & Rose” is for people who take movies seriously and have no time to waste on Hollywood hokum. You don’t watch this film to relax and unwind. The story of the destruction of family is serious business despite some humorous interludes. Imagine watching a soap opera that could masquerade as social commentary about America after the 1960s. It is the kind of movie that would be terrific as the epilogue to class about the Hippie movement, Free Love, return to the wilderness, and it segues into the environmentalist movement. This movie is not suitable for children and if you cannot watch it in a single sitting, you are liable to feel like you are serving time just to get through its one hour and fifty-one minutes. The cast is extraordinary with Oscar-winner Daniel Day-Lewis delivering a slam bang performance while Catherine Keener. Writer & director Rebecca Miller has helmed a film that is the American equivalent to an Ingmar Bergman film. Subtlety is the order of the day in “The Ballad of Jack & Rose.” The characters are neither stereotype nor are they unrealistic. There are times, perhaps best described as uncomfortable, when lenser Ellen Kuras makes her camera such an integral part of the setting with the characters that you feel like you’re eavesdropping on these two families and their troubles.

“The Ballad of Jack & Rose” takes place in the year 1986 on an island off the East Coast of the United States. Essentially, this is a soap opera about the theme of jealousy. Jack Slavin (Daniel Day-Lewis of “My Left Foot”) is a naturalized Scotsman who was once an engineer. Now, he is an ex-hippie turned environmentalist who sees no salvation in a future hard-wired by technology and growth has settled on this anonymous island where he lives now with his 16-year old daughter Rose (Camilla Belle of “Push”) since his wife went away. You can catch glimpses of the Slavins’ earlier lives during a scene about three-fourths of the way through it when Rose shows 8mm home movies about them. Jack’s wife left him and he has been raising Rose. Every quarter our protagonist leaves the island for the mainland and hooks up with Kathleen (Catherine Keener of “Living in Oblivion”) to satisfy his sexual needs. Recently, Jack has learned that he has heart disease and he isn’t getting around as agilely as he used to so he invites Kathleen and her two sons, Rodney (Ryan MacDonald of “Halloween: Resurrection”) and Thaddius (Paul Dano of “The Girl Next Door”) to join them.

Aside from an occasional guest, such as Gray (Jason Lee of “Mallrats”), nobody visits the Slavins. Gray shows up to bring Rose her flowers, otherwise, Jack and Rose are left alone entirely to themselves. This unconventional lifestyle has turned Rose into a near-sighted illusionist. She doesn’t want to share anybody with Jack. Indeed, when her father raises the subject of his imminent death, Rose notifies him that she plans to commit suicide after he dies because life won’t be worth living without him. Of course, Rose’s confession horrifies Jack, and he asks her to recant. The only other interlopers on the island are the construction workers who are building a series of apartments for a land developer, Marty Rance (Beau Bridges of “Norma Rose”) and Jack has a running feud with Marty. Marty knows that Jack is responsible for harassing his workers and creating acts of vandalism against his property, but he hasn’t called in the authorities. Jack holds the issue of wetlands over Marty’s head. You see, Marty is building his real estate on government protected marshlands and Jack threatens to expose him if he doesn’t cease and desist.

Meanwhile, matters reach a boil when Kathleen and her teenage sons arrive and set up house with them. Jack assures Rose that the presence of these outsiders is nothing more than an experiment. Reluctantly, Rose accepts them. Initially, nothing untoward occurs until Rose behaves like a voyeur and watches Jack and Kathleen hope in the sack for sex. As Jack and Kathleen have sex, Rose approaches Rodney with an invitation to have sex with her. Rose is a virgin. In fact, she has never been kissed and earlier she tried to persuade Gray to kiss her but he refused. Unfortunately, for Rose, she cannot seduce the paunchy Rodney who never removes his windbreaker jacket and has decided to become a hairstylist for women. Rodney agrees to cut her hair. Deliberately, she arms herself with a double-barrel shotgun and invades their privacy. When they pause to recognize her, she discharges the shotgun more out of shock than design. Indeed, Rose wants to share her father with nobody.

Later, Rose has a tryst with Thaddius who is a diametrical opposite of his younger brother Rodney. They have sex in her room in her bed. The next day Jack sees the sheets waving in the breeze with a blood stain on it and the words “This is an experiment” with an arrow pointing at the blood stain. Of course, Jack is furious. Rose is still trying to get back at her father for having sex with Kathleen. In fact, she has stolen one of Thaddeus’s cages to trap copperhead snakes and has put it under her bed. During her rendezvous with Thaddius, their bumping and grinding released the door to the cage and snake got out. Later, Kathleen freaks out when she sees the copperhead. Jack cannot find it. Jack has a showdown with Thaddius on the site of an old commune and they fight about his having sex with Rose. Jack knocks Thaddius out of a tree and breaks both legs and an arm. Kathleen takes her son back to the mainland, but before they leave, Thaddius tells her that Rose tried to kill her by releasing the snake in the house.

Writer & director Rebecca Miller doesn’t flinch at tackling uncomfortable themes. During one scene, Jack winds up being kissed by his daughter on the lips and he feels guilty. Eventually, Jack dies and Rose turns their house (they shun television) into a floral arrangement and sets it on fire while she curls up next to her death father. Just when you think that she is going to die with her dad, she breaks out and goes off on her own to make a life.

FILM REVIEW OF ''I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF" (2009)

As entertaining as the latest Madea comedy is, writer & director Tyler Perry’s seventh movie “I Can Do Bad All By Myself” (*** out of ****) doesn’t generate half as much humor and heartache as earlier Madea entries. No, “I Can Do Bad” doesn’t top “Madea Goes to Jail.” First, not only does everybody’s favorite pistol-packing grandmother Maybelle "Madea" Simmons not pack a pistol, but she also spends more time off screen. In other words, she doesn’t break the law and end up either in court or jail. She qualifies more as a supporting character used for comic relief. Second, “I Can Do Bad All By Myself” boasts no surprises. Indeed, most of this sermonizing melodrama about seeking redemption from Jesus focuses on the trials and tribulations of a liquor-swilling lounge warbler who finds her life suddenly turned topsy-turvy when her three motherless niece and nephews as well as a Latino immigrant take up residence in her townhouse.

No, despite its inspirational message, “I Can Do Bad” probably isn’t designed entirely for Sunday night churchgoers, though there are several religious-themed songs sung. The theme of child abuse rears its ugly head about three-fourths of the way through this 113 minute epic while the heroine wallows in an adulterous affair with another wife’s husband. Usually, if you can figure out a movie before the characters figure out what is happening, the movie isn’t as imaginative. Perry counteracts the wholesale predictability of “I Can Do Bad” with a charismatic cast, including Taraji P. Henson, Gladys Knight, Adam Rodriguez, Brian White, and Marvin L. Winans.

“I Can Do Bad” gets off on the right foot. Madea (Tyler Perry in a dual cross-dressing role) awakens to the noise of burglars in her house, but she cannot rouse Joe (Tyler Perry) to check out the disturbance. Madea catches Jennifer (Hope Olaide Wilson), Manny (Kwesi Boakye) and Byron (Freddy Siglar) in the act of stealing Joe’s VCR so they can see it for food. Madea and Joe sit this terrible threesome down for a meal and try to pry out of them information about who is responsible for them. Jennifer tries to act tough, but Madea acts tougher. “Honey,” she informs the teenage girl, “I been to jail. I will shank you.” Afterward, Madea goes to work on her two younger brothers who confess that their guardian has been gone for several days. Eventually, Madea learns that they are relatives of April (Taraji P. Henson of “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”) who sings in a local nightclub. When Madea shows up at April’s front door, the grouchy singer isn’t happy to see them. Typically, April sleeps off her alcoholic binges until the late afternoon with another woman’s husband Randy (Brian White of “12 Rounds”) who cannot stand his own three munchkins and a forthcoming one, too. Basically, Randy manages to foot the bills for both households, but he sleeps with April for obvious reasons.

Tanya (Mary J. Blige of “Prison Song”), who employs April to sing, breaks down and chides her about her selfishness and her alcoholism. April ignores Tanya and keeps on drinking. When matriarchal Madea comes banging on April’s door with the children, April explains that they belong to her sister. April’s sister died from crack abuse, and April’s long-suffering mother now cares for the trio. Nobody knows where April’s mom is until Pastor Brian (gospel star Marvin L. Winans of “Mama, I Want to Sing”) and churchgoing songster Wilma (Gladys Knight of “Hollywood Homicide”) investigate and visit April about 45 minutes into the plot with the tragic news. April’s mother, it seems, climbed aboard a city bus to go to work and died from an aneurism in route. Everybody, including the bus driver, thought that she was sleeping.

Initially, April wants nothing to do with her niece and nephews, but Jennifer is caught shoplifting at a corner drugstore. Byron, it seems, suffers from diabetes and Jennifer knows how to handle it. Of course, Randy is dead set against the kids moving in with April, but teenage Jennifer catches his gimlet eye. Meanwhile, a virile Columbian immigrant who works as a handyman, Sandino (Adam Rodriguez of CBS-TV’s “C.S.I.: Miami”), shows up at Pastor Brian’s Zion Liberty Baptist Church looking for work. Pastor Brian promises to pay him for some church repairs and then sends him over to work out his rent in April’s house. April and Sandino don’t get off on the right foot and Randy doesn’t like him period. She allots space for Sandino in her basement. Meantime, April pawns her relatives off on Madea to repay her for their depredations in her house. Pastor Brian, Wilma, Tanya, and even Sandino go to work on the callous April. When she sees the life of sin that she has been living, the self-destructive singer converts and follows Madea’s advice: "If you give some good things to people, good things come back to you--most of the time."

The themes of juvenile delinquency, selfishness, self-sacrifice, and ego are hammered home through songs and sermons both that often belabor the point and rob it of any shred of subtlety. Henson really shines as the protagonist who sees the light and changes her behavior and Rodriguez emerges as her knight-in-shining armor. Brian White makes a strong impression as the cheating husband. Nevertheless, Madea still trumps them all with her warped sense of humor. The best scene in “I Can Do Bad” has Madea regaling Jennifer with her side-splitting story about Jonah and the whale. “That’s when Noah showed up, with his arch, the St. Louis arch.” It is a tribute to Perry’s skill as a filmmaker and the charisma of his sturdy cast that together they can make you sniffle, sob, and cry aloud at the drop of every cliché in “I Can Do Bad.”

FILM REVIEW OF "SORORITY ROW" (2009)

A prank gone wrong in “Whisper” director Stewart Hendler’s “Sorority Row,” an unsavory, sometimes savage, but smirking R-rated remake of the vintage 1983 slasher “The House on Sorority Row,” sets off a succession of sadistic slayings. “Good Luck Chuck” scenarist Josh Stolberg and TV writer Peter Goldfinger have adapted and updated Mark Rosman’s screenplay about blood, gore, and babes and supplemented the savagery with sardonic “Heathers” humor. Not only has Hendler orchestrated the butchery and bitchery with style but he has also conjured up an atmospheric slash-a-thon that delivers several shocks and surprises. These gals and guys aren’t as idiotic as the usual slasher movie victims. Indeed, more than one girl survives.

“Quarantine” lenser Ken Sing enhances the grisly quality of this mass murderer melodrama with his grainy, raw-edged widescreen cinematography and he wobbles his camera to heighten the suspense. At the same time, editor Elliot Greenberg carves up the action with such rhythm that each jolt delivers stop-in-your-tracks impact. You’ll jump at most of these bolts from the black, especially the sound effects of sharp objects either penetrating or caroming off bodies. Little of this would register were it not for superb sound engineering. The ensemble cast that includes Briana Evigan, Leah Pipes, Rumer Willis, and Jamie Chung constitute all the pretty maids in this “Row” that the mysterious slayer sets out to slay. This mass murderer doesn’t discriminate when it comes to killing, even innocent bystanders succumb to the villain’s pimped out four-way tire iron weapon. The worst thing that you can say about “Sorority Row” is that the fire department takes their own sweet time responding to the fiery finale. Of course, if they had arrived earlier, they’d have interfered with the showdown between the killer and victims. Nevertheless, the last quarter hour serves up thrills and chills that pay off with a clever ending that likely may yield a sequel.

The action unfolds at a bacchanal off campus at a sorority house. Five mischievous wenches of the sorority Theta Pi decide to humiliate a guy, Garrett (Matt O’Leary of “Brick”), who has cheated on his girlfriend with the prank to end all pranks. They have supplied Garrett with what he believes are roofies, and he has dosed Megan (Audrina Patridge of “Into the Blue 2”) with them so that she appears to have passed out. She awakens as Garrett is about to take advantage of her and then apparently dies while her devoted sisters gaze on in horror. The queen bee of the bunch, Jessica (Leah Pipes of “Fingerprints”), knows that Megan is playing possum. Jessica, Cassidy (Briana Evigan of “Step Up 2: The Streets”), Claire (Jamie Chung of “Dragonball: Evolution”) and Ellie (Rumer Willis of “Wild Cherry”) pile into a van with Megan’s limp body and a distraught Garrett. They head off to a mine in the middle of nowhere. Once they arrive, Jessica suggests that they hack the body up into pieces so it will be harder for anybody to find. Meanwhile, Megan records the scene with her cell phone. The girls spread out to collect rocks while Garrett empties his stomach on the ground. He musters his nerve and seizes a four-way tire iron from the van. When nobody is watching him, he sinks one end of it into Megan’s chest before anybody can stop him. The horrified girls close ranks in the name of ‘sisterhood and solidarity’ and cover up the crime. Unceremoniously, they dump Megan’s bloody body into an abandoned well.

Eight months later, at a graduation reception at the Theta Pi house, one of the girls in on the conspiracy, Ellie, shrieks when she thinks that she has seen the dead girl Megan walking among them. In fact, Ellie saw Megan’s younger sister Maggie (Caroline D’Amore of “Daydreamer”) who is visiting the sorority. The girls plan to celebrate another bacchanalian revelry that evening once their crusty house mother, Mrs. Crenshaw (Carrie Fisher of the first “Star Wars” trilogy) vacates the premises. Meantime, the mysterious killer dons a “Scream” monk’s robe with hood and wields a four-way tire iron modified with other forms of cutlery. This weapon compares favorably to the weapons that other serial killers in slasher movies have armed themselves with over the years. This cunning individual follows Chugs (Margo Harshman of “Fired Up”) to her shrink’s office where she plans to score prescription drugs after she performs oral sex on the crooked physician. When Chugs isn’t looking, the killer sends his exotic weapon spinning through the air tomahawk style so it lodges in the good doctor’s forehead. The killer sneaks up on Chugs while she is lying on her back with an expensive bottle of liquor in her lips and shoves a bottle down her throat and then shatters it. Another girl has a spear run through her mouth pinning her head to a wall. Yet another dies from a flare gun cartridge that melts in her mouth and turns her face into bubble wrap.

Leah Pipes takes the cake as the nastiest sister of the bunch, while Briana Evigan qualifies as the nicest. She is the one who wanted to call the authorities while the others bundled Megan up in Cassidy’s coat and tossed her in the well. Meanwhile, elderly Carrie Fisher has a couple of scenes as the cantankerous Theta Pi house mother, but she cannot hit the side of barn with a pump action shotgun. The writers throw in a couple of red herrings to keep us guessing about the identity of the killer. The cast is persuasive even when the action is not. There is a whole lot of stabbing going on along with irresponsible drinking and bare breasted babes in a shower scene. In the original “House on Sorority Row,” seven girls covered up the crime while only five try to here. “Sorority Row” is a good slasher movie that is worth watching more than once.

FILM REVIEW OF "A PERFECT MURDER"

The people who remade the crafty Alfred Hitchcock suspense thriller “Dial M for Murder” (1954) as “A Perfect Murder,” with Michael Douglas, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Viggo Mortensen, clearly knew their business. As cinematic remakes rate, “A Perfect Murder” (*** OUT OF ****) qualifies as a commendably entertaining, often hard-edged, but superior spouse-murdering spectacle which should baffle and captivate any armchair sleuth right up to its explosive, slam-bang finale. Not only have former Steven Seagal action director Andrew Davis and freshman scenarist Patrick Smith Kelly, cleverly updated this vintage but tawdry tale of deceit, but they have also condensed several plot elements so that the story is both more palatable as well as less predictable. Industry insiders claim that test audiences hated the initial ending, so Douglas and Paltrow came back to reshoot a new ending. Consequently, “A Perfect Murder” is never a slavish scene-by-scene remake of “Dial M for Murder,” but a deferential, no-nonsense, white knuckled yarn, with gritty touches of 1990s amorality.

In “A Perfect Murder,” ruthless but financially strapped tycoon Steven Taylor (Michael Douglas) discovers that his elegant but unfaithful wife Emily (Gwyneth Paltrow) is cheating on him with sleazy artist David Shaw (Viggo Mortensen). Emily justifies her extramarital affair because Steven suffocates her with his domineering ways. According to Emily, Steven also fails to fulfill her emotional needs. On the contrary, David quenches Emily’s passion and makes her happy. Steven confronts David early in the movie at a diner party that Emily had planned to attend alone. Changing his mind at the last possible minute, Steven accompanies Emily to the festivity where he catches his wife off-guard as she is chatting with Shaw. David and Steven speak briefly and Shaw states that he received his art degree from Berkeley.

Later, Taylor exposes Shaw for the fraud that he is, and then blackmails him. David turns out to be an ex-con with two strikes against him. Moreover, Taylor threatens to alert the police about Shaw for an unsolved crime hanging over the ex-con’s head. Not only has David lied to Steven about his shady past, but also he has lied to poor Emily. Anyway, Steven offers David a $100-thousand dollars up front to kill Emily, and he promises an additional $400-thousand on completion of the homicide. Incredibly, David agrees. Shaw prefers Taylor’s loot to Emily’s love. Steven details a simple plan. He has stashed a key outside their apartment which David can use to gain access to their apartment without arousing suspicion. While Steven is at his club for the evening playing cards, he intends to call Emily. When Emily answers on the kitchen phone, David can slip up behind and strangle her. After he murders Emily, David is supposed to tamper with the door locks to make it appear as if a burglary had occurred.

Veteran director Andrew Davis (“The Fugitive” and “Code of Silence”) and scenarist Patrick Smith Kelly have revamped the stodgy 1950s’ “Dial M for Murder” scenario and eliminated several problems that hampered the Hitchcock film. Obviously, Hitchcock could not depict the sexual and criminal elements in the story with the same artistic latitude available to contemporary filmmakers. Rated “R” for ‘restricted,’ “A Perfect Murder” contains scenes of implied nudity, simulated sex, murder, and profanity, with 9 “f--k” words, 2 “sh-t” words, and 5 “hells” sprinkled in for local color. People are either stabbing or shooting at each other in “A Perfect Murder,” and the three principle characters stalk each other like rabid gunmen in a spaghetti western. Davis keeps the sex, violence, and profanity at comparably moderate, non-gratuitous levels. Nevertheless, “A Perfect Murder” spills more blood and portrays its violence with great authenticity than “Dial M for Murder,” but nothing approaching the visceral sadism of earlier Michael Douglas outings such as “Basic Instinct” and “Fatal Attraction.” Dutifully, Davis and Kelly have left some things intact. For instance, the key still plays a pivotal part in convicting the killer.

Aside from conforming this minor Hitchcock classic to today’s more realistic standards, Davis and Kelly have actually improved on the plot. In “Dial M for Murder,” Alfred Hitchcock devoted vast intervals of time to setting up the involved story with reams of exposition. Exposition is the vitally important stuff about the story that the audience must know to appreciate the actions of the characters. None of this information, however, is readily accessible, so the characters have to mention it in their dialogue so that the audience will know what is happening. Intricately conceived as “Dial M” was, the characters spent for too much time explaining the story. In “Dial M,” Ray Milland played the role that Michael Douglas took over in “A Perfect Murder.” Milland shares an entire scene with the murderer in “Dial M” where he must remind the killer that they are old school chums separated over the years. He reveals the killer’s wicked past and blackmails him, too. Happily, the loquacity that clutters the dialogue in “Dial M” has been pared down to the absolute, bare essentials, so “A Perfect Murder” doesn’t stall out on dialogue ad nauseam. The characters in “Dial M” stand around and discuss their predicaments, while the characters in “A Perfect Murder” go out to do things.

Just as cinematic morality has changed pervasively since 1954, so too has the technology. Cell phones, for example, have replaced standard wired telephones in Steven’s intricate scheme to kill his wife. Nearly all of the main leads as well as the secondary characters have been changed. Davis and Kelly have either enlarged or shrunken their roles. The murderer and the lover in “Dial M” consist of two entirely different characters. Gone is the lover played by Robert Cummings from the Hitchcock film, while Anthony Dawson’s murderer is combined with the lover. Condensing these two roles, the filmmakers of “A Perfect Murder” streamline the plot and make it more exciting. In “Dial M,” John Williams played the stylist British detective who figured prominently in unraveled the mystery. As Det. Mohammed Karaman, his counterpart in “A Perfect Murder,” David (“Executive Decision”) Suchet occupies less screen time. He doesn’t harass the Michael Douglas villain as much as Williams’ detective did to Milland in “Dial M”. Curiously enough, the producers here make an issue out of the detective’s Arabic heritage. During the interrogation scene, Det. Karaman and Emily share a moment when she converses with him in his native language. As peripheral characterization, this is fine, but the filmmakers never integrate it into the plot. It makes you wonder if this language gimmick played a bigger part in the resolution of the action, but got cut out when the ending changed.

One of the biggest changes in “A Perfect Murder” is wife’s role. Unlike the Grace Kelly character from “Dial M” who remained largely passive, Gwyneth Paltrow plays an aggressive multi-lingual U.N. translator and aide to the U.S. Ambassador. Paltrow’s unfaithful wife gets out often enough to learn incriminating things about her husband that Grace Kelly never did in the Hitchcock original. The scene where Paltrow struggles desperately against her assailant is better than the similar scene where Grace Kelly stabbed her killer with a pair of scissors.

They’ve changed the physical settings, too. The action in “Dial M” strays only occasionally from the cramped quarters of the London apartment inhabited by Ray Milland and Grace Kelly. Transplanting the plot to America, Davis and Kelly open up the action and venture out into the means streets of New York City. Davis and Kelly ditch the expressionistic English courtroom scenes where Grace Kelly’s character was convicted of murdering the man who tried to strangle her, too! In “A Perfect Murder,” Davis and Kelly discard this part of the original plot from Frederick Knot’s play.
Veteran action helmer Andrew Davis keeps the story moving swiftly along so that the complicated plot never decelerates the action. Davis doesn’t let the pacing lollygag. He stages the action for maximum impact. The fight scenes are brutal but brief. Davis and cinematographer Dariusz Wolski often film the action so that the perspective that audiences have implicates them in the skullduggery. Wolski’s dark, brooding Rembrandt lighting enhances the air of danger. The standard shot in “A Perfect Murder” is either a close-up or a medium shot that uncomfortably confines the characters. Davis builds considerable suspense and tension by surprising his audience at intervals with sudden off-screen action that explodes on camera. Characters come barreling off-screen to smash into other unsuspecting characters on screen. These sure fire tactics guarantee that audiences will jump. Along with production designer Philip Rosenberg, Davis creates a murky, hostile environment for his characters to inhabit.

Perhaps the worst flaw in “A Perfect Murder” is the unappealing characters. None of these people deserve much sympathy. A dapper Michael Douglas gives off sinister vibes. Steven Taylor resembles Douglas’s Oscar winning performance as Gordon Gecko from Oliver Stone’s “Wall Street.” Douglas projects an effortlessly cocksure attitude that makes him an ideal thug. He wears dark apparel, and he is constantly in the midst of a scheme and a lie. As his wife Emily, Gwyneth Paltrow comes closest to attracting sympathy because she is the most vulnerable character. Nevertheless, Emily’s extramarital affair set off this chain reaction, so she isn’t entirely whitewashed. Although she wants to do the right thing, Emily is basically as selfish about herself as are both Steven and David. When we first glimpse her, she is wallowing in a spacious but seedy loft apartment with David (‘G.I. Jane’s” Viggo Mortensen). Mortensen delivers another solid performance as a scumbag. Momentarily, David’s vile painter appears to outfox both Steven and Emily. As competitors, David and Steven are almost evenly matched, though Douglas’s screen image wins out over the lesser known Mortensen.

Indeed, the Patrick Kelly screenplay bears its share of implausibilities, but so too did “Dial M.” Obviously, society does not allow movies to glamorize the act of murder, especially by letting a character commit murder without paying for the crime. Consequently, sharp and sagacious as Steven Taylor is, he is outsmarted once by the double-crossing David and later by Emily, who wins the upper hand in one of his inconsistently ignorant moments. Neither of these crucial incidents is telegraphed in the script. They occur straight out of the blue with zero foreshadowing, so that the audiences as well as Steven are caught entirely by surprise. Sure, that’s cheating, but the dramatic revelation that comes with each incident justifies it. Perhaps the biggest flaw in both movies is that a strong man cannot overpower a weak woman. Ultimately, between the two films, “A Perfect Murder” has more flash and headlong momentum than the literate and stage bound “Dial M for Murder.”