FILM REVIEW OF "THE SWITCH" (2010)

Although the Jennifer Aniston & Jason Bateman romantic comedy "The Switch" (**** OUT OF ****) didn't beat the earlier Jennifer Lopez sperm bank comedy "The Back Up Plan" to the big-screen, co-directors Josh Gordon and Will Speck have produced a much more satisfying yarn about a single, fortysomething female's desire for artificial insemination. "The Back-Up Plan" relied on the comic predicament Lopez found herself in after she ran into Mr. Right the same day that her doctor inseminated her. The complications that arose between the Lopez character and her new boyfriend over her test tube pregnancy provided the grist of the plot. Naturally, the boyfriend found himself in an identity crisis because her pregnancy reversed the typical chronology of a couple and he got cold feet. Predictably, Lopez and her boyfriend dealt with this complication in the usual fashion of the guy meets gal, guy loses gal, and guy wins back gal formula. In the long run, everything turned out perfectly for them.

Ostensibly based on Pulitzer-prize winning novelist Jeffrey Eugenides' 1996 short story "The Baster," "The Switch" tweaks "The Back-Up Plan" premise. Aniston and Bateman play long-time best friends when our heroine hears her biological alarm clock ringing and opts for artificial insemination since she hasn't found Mr. Right. She solicits help from best friend Bateman to find the most suitable sperm donor. Predictably jealous, the Bateman character takes matters into his own hands and complications galore occur. Unlike "The Back-Up Plan," "The Switch" qualifies as a far funnier romantic comedy with richer situations, more interesting characters, and splendid performances. Aniston and Bateman forge chemistry together as a friendly couple who don't realize they are right for each other. Patrick Wilson, Jeff Goldblum, and Juliette Lewis provide solid support. The best acting in "The Switch," however, comes from the most crucial character in Allen Loeb's screenplay. Newcomer Thomas Robinson delivers a surprising performance as Aniston's on-screen preschooler. Not only is Robinson an adorable child , but he is also an accomplished thespian whose only previous credit was an episode of the canceled NBC-TV sci-fi series "Heroes."

Aristotle wrote in "Poetics" that character is the essential ingredient that drives the best comedy and drama. Co-helmers Josh Gordon and Will Speck and "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps" scenarist Allan Loeb follow this dictum, and "The Switch" emerges as not only hilarious but also endearing. The action unfolds in New York City seven years ago as a biologically-challenged single woman, Kassie Larson (Jennifer Aniston of "Marley and Me"), takes the fateful step of having herself artificially inseminates before she becomes too old for children. She finds the perfect donor in a good-looking university professor, Roland (Patrick Wilson of "Watchmen"), who teaches feminist literature. Initially, Kassie receives no support from Wall Street stockbroker Wally Mars (Jason Bateman of "Juno") who is a hopeless hypochondriac. Kassie accuses Wally of being pessimistic, but he claims he is just being realistic. Anyway, Kassie has her baby, christens him Sebastian, and moves away for six years. Wally's life remains unchanged until she returns. Since she has uprooted herself to raise her son in more friendly surroundings, Roland has divorced his adulterous wife. Kassie and he start dating. The complication is that six-year old Sebastian (Thomas Robinson) hates Roland. Ironically, Sebastian prefers the company of Wally, and the two become virtually inseparable.

One day while Wally and Sebastian are riding a bus, another passenger remarks that they look like father and son. Wally informs her that Sebastian isn't his son. Nevertheless, Sebastian treats Wally as if he were his dad. Several occasions occur when Sebastian needs help, and he resorts to Wally. At one point, Sebastian leaves a friend's birthday party after a brawl with a bully and goes out of his way to walk 20 blocks to Wally's apartment. Later, Kassie leaves Sebastian with one of his friends so she can spend a romantic weekend with Roland. As it turns out, Sebastian has contracted head lice and his friend's mom wants him gone. Stuck far away in Michigan, Kassie implores her old friend Wally to treat Sebastian's lice infection until she can return on an overnight flight. The bond between Wally and Sebastian deepens until Wally wonders if he really is Sebastian's father.

Wally searches his memory about the night of Kassie's sperm donor party and remembers that Kassie's perennial best girlfriend, Debbie (Juliette Lewis of "Whip It"), gave him some of her mom's prescription medicine and he got drunk and stumbled into the bathroom where Roland had left his container of sperm. Accidentally, Wally spills Roland's sperm into the sink and decides to replace it. Nothing but feminine magazines are available, and he whips up his own concoction to a picture of TV news anchor Diana Sawyer and replaces Roland's sperm with it. Such is Wally's state of mind that he forgets what he has done until he notices that Sebastian imitates his personality in every aspect. Wally discusses the issue with his close friend and Wall Street colleague Leonard (Jeff Goldblum of "Silverado") and decides to let Kassie in on his secret. Every opportunity that Wally has to deliver this major revelation falls through until our misguided hero attends a get-together at Kassie's apartment where Roland plans to propose marriage to Kassie in front of his older brothers and parents. Imagine the reaction that Kassie has when Wally turns her world upside down with his revelation.

"The Switch" is a consistently funny comedy that doesn't rely on a laugh track or a lowest-common denominator script to make us laugh. Everybody, including newcomer Thomas Robinson, doesn't act as if they were consciously trying to be funny and their fully developed but eccentric characters are a wonder to behold. Typically, a movie with two directors is a surefire recipe for disaster, but neither Gordon nor Speck get in each other's way, and "The Switch" flows smoothly throughout its 101 minutes without convolution.

FILM REVIEW OF "HALLOWEEN" (1978)

John Carpenter's "Halloween" (**** out of ****) qualifies as both a trick and a treat.

First, the unlikely notion that an independently-produced horror movie made for a miserly $320-thousand could amass $75-million dollars and remain popular twenty-two years afterward constitutes quite a trick. Incidentally, Carpenter took twenty days to shoot "Halloween." Second, not only did "Halloween" catapult newcomer Jamie Lee Curtis to stardom {she reigned as the 'Scream Queen' in a spate of "Halloween" knock-offs, like Paul Lynch's "Prom Night" (1980) and Roger Spottiswoode's "Terror Train" (1980)} but also it spawned six sequels and two remakes of varying quality. Naturally, none surpasses the consummate skill and artistry of Carpenter's seminal slaughterhouse saga. Arguably, if Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho" carved out a new sub-category for slashers among 1960s' horror movies, "Halloween" hacked out a niche in cinematic history when it revived the genre. According to producer Irwin Yablans, "Halloween 2" appeared primarily because scores of "Halloween" clones came out and coined considerable box-office success. Second, "Halloween" suffices as a treat because it focuses on far more than gratuitous blood & gore. Essentially, the film dwells on the cosmic issue of 'Evil' and Man's inability to combat both Evil and Fate as entities at work in our Universe.

Carpenter directs with commendable restraint considering the genre. Anybody who pans "Halloween" as tawdry and exploitative misses out on what elevates this minor chiller above its clones and makes it worth watching beyond the usual cursory viewings. Although it depicts savage violence, "Halloween" spills pints rather than buckets of blood. If you're counting, three females and two males perish. He doesn't rely on sophisticated special effects or ghastly prosthetic make-up appliances. He generates tension, suspense, and nerve-wracking horror by deliberately pacing the action and doling out shocks and surprises. "Halloween's" stark narrative simplicity propels it to its slang-bang ending. Carpenter and co-scenarist Debra Hill surgically pared down the plot to its absolute essentials. They relate a story with a beginning, middle, and an ending in straightforward fashion. Indeed, characterization remains deplorably one-dimensional, but the cast is convincing enough so it really doesn't matter. Moreover, they play roles that wouldn't experience radical growth over a 24 hour period, unless they wind up dying. Michael personifies Evil from start to finish. After he escapes from the Illinois State Hospital, Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasance of "You Only Live Twice") sounds the alarm: "The evil has gone from here!" Fate deploys Michael as an instrument, and Fate allows Michael to thrive with impunity in the end as the only truly phantasmagoric character.

Essentially, "Halloween" is a thriller with a monster for a killer. The horrific elements of Michael's villainous appearance and his supernatural qualities make this a chiller. Visually, Carpenter links a classroom discussion of Fate to Michael as the killer sits parked outside Laurie's school in a station wagon. Laurie notices the station wagon parked across the street from her school and spots the same station wagon later when her friend and she are walking down the street. However, Laurie doesn't lay eyes on Michael for the first time until she sees him in broad daylight standing on the sidewalk by a hedge. Furthermore, nothing superfluous clutters up the narrative, clocking in at a lean, mean 92 minutes. One scene depicts Dr. Loomis advocating Michael's prolonged incarceration in a mental institution. Of course, the squeamish should watch "Halloween" in the company of somebody responsible, since the film concerns some unsavory themes, such as a murderous juvenile, a lunatic on the rampage with a blood lust nothing except death can quench, and the security of hospitals charged with keeping these maniacs locked-up behind bars. The irony of a psychiatrist who totes around a revolver with a gun permit and acts like a vigilante who shoots first and ask questions afterward represents still another topic for discussion.

Carpenter and Hill confine the action to three acts. They set up the characters efficiently enough, introducing Michael first, then Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasence of "The Great Escape") and his nurse Marion Chambers (Nancy Stephens of "Russkies"), and finally Michael's victims. Laurie Strode, Annie Brackett, and Lynda van der Klok comprise the trio of high school girls/victims that Michael sets out to slaughter. While Annie and Lynda are sexually active sirens, Laurie is the "Girl Scout" of the group. She doesn't have a date for the school dance and is either shy or afraid to ask a guy out. She fits the classification of a sexually repressed girl, a character who typically survives the slasher because in a sense she reflects elements of his own repression. Once Michael makes the 150 mile drive to Haddonfield, the plot concerns when the characters converge on Lindsey Wallace's house where the murders transpire. Quotable dialogue reverberates throughout this slickly made white-knuckled thriller. During a telephone conversation, Laurie learns Annie has spoken to a guy the former has a crush on, and Laurie's responds: "Are you fooling around again? Well, I'll kill you if this is a joke." Despite a number of flaws and flubs, "Halloween" has managed to withstand the ravages of time. One big question the original left blank dealt with Michael's apparent obsession with Laurie Strode. "Halloween 2" accounts for this mystery in a way that "The Empire Strikes Back" would alter Luke Skywalker's destiny. Ultimately, Michael epitomizes Evil incarnate as the inexorable catalyst in horror movies, just as the Terminator evokes a similar quality in science fiction.

"Halloween" adheres to several horror movie conventions. First, mankind can vanquish Evil with a capital E in battles but cannot altogether conqueror it. Generally, the best horror movies provide closure of the worst sort. The heroes may survive, but so too may the villains. Sure, the improbable ending with a villain recovering not only from a fall from a balcony but also six bullets weakens the credibility of "Halloween." Nevertheless, successful horror movies require larger-than-life monsters, and Michael attains a legendary status at fade-out by being able to waltz away with six slugs in him. Happily, Donald Pleasance's Dr. Loomis doesn't react with either surprise or alarm at Michael's resilience. Bullets cannot stop Michael because he possesses supernatural qualities. Little Tommy refers to Michael as the 'Bogeyman' and assures Laurie that nobody can kill the 'Bogeyman.' At fade-out, Laurie asks Loomis if Michael were the 'Bogeyman,' and he affirms that fact. No, you don't have to watch "Halloween" only during the actual holiday itself to appreciate this seasonal chiller.

FILM REVIEW OF "GOD FORGIVES, BUT I DON'T . . ." (ITALIAN-1967)

Before he became a film director, Giuseppe Colizzi served as Federico Fellini's production manager on "The Swindlers." The short-lived Colizzi helmed four of his six films with Terence Hill and Bud Spencer. Nevertheless, Colizzi belongs to a select handful of distinguished Italian western directors, such as Sergio Leone, Sergio Corbucci, Tonino Valerii, and Gianfranco Parolini--who imbued their oaters with an unmistakable aura of flair and style, doubling not only as director but also as writer. The first entry in an overlooked and underrated spaghetti western trilogy, Colizzi's "God Forgives, But I Don't" boasts the numerical distinction of pairing Hill and Spencer together for the first time after a foot injury forced lead actor Peter Martell off the picture. "Ace High" and "Boot Hill" followed. Hill and Spencer went on to achieve greater fame in Enzo Barboni's two "Trinity" features. Before Hill capitalized on comedy westerns and later modern day adventures, he proved himself as gunslinging Cat Stevens, a pistolero who found it just as easy to cross the line between good and evil as fire up a cheroot. Bronzed like a tawny Greek god with a deep masculine voice dubbed in by another actor and displaying admirable restraint in the stoic tradition of Clint Eastwood, Hill proved equally adept at portraying sober dramatic leads as well as lightweight, comic leads. Hill and Spencer are evenly matched by seasoned spaghetti western villain Frank Wolff who resembles Harpo Max with mutton chops.

"God Forgives, But I Don't" (***1/2 out of ****) seizes your attention from the start. A crowd in Canyon City awaits the arrival of a train at the railway depot with a brass band. The train trundles into the station, breezes past the surprised on-lookers, and crashes into a barrier at the end of the siding. A dead man with a bullet hole in his forehead tumbles out of a passenger coach when the door is thrown open. Colizzi presents a swift montage of bullet-riddled corpses and faces to highlight the enormity of the massacre. During the excitement, a wounded passenger stumbles off the other side of the train and flees without attracting attention. Eventually, we learn that the murderous outlaw chieftain Bill San Antonio (Frank Wolff of "A Stranger in Town") and his gang of despicable desperadoes held up the train and stole $100-thousand in gold.

Colizzi shifts the action to a poker game. Cat Stevens (Terence Hill of "The Leopard") looks as cool as ice as he gambles with a quartet of hard cases. A dispute arises over the conduct of the game and a brawl breaks out. Cat whips his adversaries with his fists but in the process trashes the premises. Cat's trademark gesture is pushing a cheroot up and down with his fingers. Later, Cat's friend Hutch Bessy (Bud Spencer of "The 5-Man Army") finds him at a remote waterhole and tells him about the MK&T train robbery. Hutch found the sole survivor of the train massacre. Before the passenger perished, he told Hutch about Bill San Antonio's role in the robbery. Hutch describes Bill's clever plan. The outlaws rode 150 miles to the halfway point between El Paso and Canyon City and then rode in circles to make their presence known at that point. The gang turned south, followed the river, and then galloped back to El Paso. They watched as the gold loaded onto the train and then bought tickets, and waylaid the train 20 miles from the Mexican border. After he robbed the train, Bill San Antonio had everybody on board murdered and sent the train onto Canyon City.

Initially, Cat refuses to believe Bill could have planned and participated in the hold-up. Colizzi flashbacks to a scene in a shack where Bill and Cat squared off against each other in a showdown after Bill's henchman Bud (José Manuel Martín of "The Savage Guns") sets the building ablaze. Cat guns down Bill and Bill's men allow him to leave alive. Later, they come after him and try to kill him. Meanwhile, Bill is never heard or seen again until the MK&T robbery. The bank took an insurance policy out on the stolen money and Hutch plans to find the gold and collect the insurance. He wants Cat to team up with him so they can locate the loot. Not only did Bill San Antonio not die in the fire but he also robbed the train. Garrulous desperado that Bill is, he explains what happened and why. The banker and Bill were in cahoots. When things got too hot, the banker recommended that Bill disappear for a spell. Cat sneaks into Bill's hideout one night, blunders into a trap, and gets strung up by his heels. Nevertheless, he manages to defend himself against his opponents. Hutch intervenes and they steal the $100-thousand dollars in gold.

Neither Cat nor Hutch has an easy time holding onto the gold while surviving Bill and his gang. Numerous shoot-outs occur with a take-no-prisoners mentality. Colizzi models loquacious Bill San Antonio after Eli Wallach's Mexican bandit Calvera from "The Magnificent Seven." Bill feels responsible for his cronies and wants to take care of them. Blue-eyed Terrence Hill has the stew beaten out of him and nearly drowns in one scene. Hutch displays his Herculean strength both in fistfights and in shouldering a chest packed with gold. The same friendly rivalry that characterized Trinity and Bambino's relationship in the "Trinity" appears to have been foreshadowed by Colizzi. The final showdown between Bill and Cat takes the shoot-out at the beginning to the next level. Good dialogue, rugged laconic heroes, grimy trigger-happy hooligans, atmospheric settings, Alfio Contini's impressive widescreen photography, and the scenic sun-drenched plains of Spain make "God Forgives, I Don't" a solid, satisfying saga, head and shoulders above the average spaghetti western.

FILM REVIEW OF "TAKERS" (2010)

“Lockdown” director John Luessenhop’s super-charged, criminal heist thriller “Takers” (*** out of ****) derives its premise and some of its best scenes from other top-flight Hollywood cops and robbers movies. First, “Takers” is set in Los Angeles where Michael Mann made his 1995 classic heist thriller “Heat” with Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, and Val Kilmer. In “Takers,” a quintet of GQ criminals steals what they want when they want it with the least amount of damage. Thoroughly professional to the hilt, these guys live by a code. Second, although clearly inspired by the slickly done Michael Mann epic, Luessenhop helms this stylist thriller as if he spent his every waking hour watching William Friedkin’s landmark “To Live and Die in L.A.” Clocking in at 107 minutes, “Takers” never sacrifices its momentum for anything. Luessenhop’s editor, Armen Minasian of “RoboCop 2” and “Kiss the Girls,” literally slashes the action together. Something is constantly happening. Walk out on this nail-biter and you’ll miss a lot of action even if you’re gone for less than 60 seconds. Luessenhop pares everything down to the bare essentials. Indeed, Zoe Saldana's role looks like it was whittled down to a couple of scenes with little for her to do. Unfortunately, characterization beyond wardrobe changes suffers. Nevertheless, the action burns up the screen, particularly a nimble foot chase that imitates a similar chase from the first Daniel Craig Bond movie “Casino Royale.” Third, Luessenhop stages a noisy but realistic gunfight in the confines of a motel suite that looks like a tribute to Ridley Scott’s L.A.-based crime caper “True Romance.” Mind you, “Takers” ups the ante; the bullets punch big holes in the walls in this shoot-out, and nobody knows who is blasting away at whom on the other side. Finally, a three-way, Sergio Leone/Quentin Tarantino style showdown caps the action at an airport where the cops and robbers face off. Laden with surprises, “Takers” emerges as a gripping heist thriller with enough cool-looking combat to compensate for the dearth of characterization.

Jamaican-born Gordon Jennings (Idris Elba of “Obsessed”) heads up an elite gang of twentysomething criminals that consists of former car thief John Rahway (Paul Walker of “Running Scared”), tattoo-clad, jack-of-all-trades construction engineer A.J. (Hayden Christensen of "Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith”), and brothers Jake (Michael Ealy of “Seven Pounds”) and Jesse Attica (Chris Brown of “Stomp the Yard”) who handle C-4 explosives like wizards. During the first scene, Luessenhop establishes the cool expertise of Jennings and company under tension when they execute a flawlessly timed robbery at the Federal California Bank in broad daylight in downtown Los Angeles. They assemble at the high-rise bank in separate disguises and then suit up in masks and body armor with assault weapons. A female bank employee trips a bank alarm during the hold-up. Calmly, Rahway escorts her courteously to a nearby phone where he orders her to call a local TV station and report a robbery in progress. Naturally, an eager TV news crew responds and lands their news helicopter atop the skyscraper helipad where the bank is located. The news reporter believes she has a scoop when the security guard gives them clearance to land. As it turns out, A.J. is masquerading as the security guard. He pulls his pistol and forces her, her news camera man, and the pilot down on their bellies. While the Los Angeles Police Department assembles in the parking lot, the other four members of his team pile into the chopper. A.J. flies the chopper off to a landing site not far away. After blowing up the helicopter to destroy any clues, the quintet separate without anyone knowing anything about them. These guys live the high life and toast each other at Jake’s bar.

Meanwhile, trouble is brewing because one of their former colleagues, Daryl Rivers (rapper-producer Tip "T.I." Harris), who was wounded during a robbery four years ago, is released on good behavior. The gang has since cut off contact with Daryl, a.k.a. ‘Ghost,’ and they are surprised when he shows up at Jake’s bar. As it turns out, Ghost’s girlfriend Rachel Jansen (Zoe Saldana of “The Losers”) has taken up with Jake, so bad blood exists between Jake and Ghost. Gordon and the others fear that after they give Ghost his cut from his last job that he may inform on them to the authorities. Instead, Ghost brings them the blueprints for a daring armored car robbery that could yield a $20-$30 million payday. Initially, the gang is suspicious. They don’t know if they can trust Ghost, but he brings them a sweet deal. The chief drawback is they must stage the heist in less than a week. A.J. performs the leg work and convinces Gordon that the job is something that they can do. Little do they know that Ghost has gotten the idea from an outfit of ruthless L.A. based Russians. The Russians think they are in cahoots with Ghost, but Ghosts plans to use them as a means of exacting sweet revenge on the protagonists. The armored car robbery in “Takers” is truly a piece of work and nothing like it has been done.

Director John Luessenhop and a trio of scenarists, Peter Allen, Gabriel Casseus, and Avery Duff, have turned an inventory of cop and robbers clichés into a lively little thriller. Although the slippery Ghost is the gang’s most obvious adversary, they have to elude and distract hot-tempered, rogue L.A.P.D. Detective Jack Welles (Matt Dillon of “Armored”) who is determined to capture them. Welles and his partner Eddie Hatcher (Jay Hernandez of “Hostel”) are tenacious in their efforts to track down Gordon and company. Like “Heat,” the heroes in “Takers” have personal problems. Gordon has a crack head sister, Naomi (Marianne Jean-Baptiste of “Spy Game”), who creates problems for him when he least needs them. Luessenhop ramps up the suspense and tension throughout “Takers” so that neither the cops nor the robbers have an easy time of it. Complications galore arise to derail everybody’s best laid plans. “Takers” ranks as one of the best L.A.-based heist melodramas since “Heat.”

FILM REVIEW OF "THE BLACK PIRATE" (Silent-1926)

Alfred Parker’s seafaring, swashbuckler “The Black Pirate” (***1/2 out of ****)makes watching silent movies a genuine pleasure. Although Hollywood had produced a handful of pirate epics before this 1926 release, “The Black Pirate” benefits from scenarist Elton Thomas’ ingenious screenplay and Douglas Fairbanks' nimble physical presence. Actually Elton Thomas and Douglas Fairbanks are one in the same person; Elton Thomas was Fairbanks’ nom de plume. Indeed, this grim adventure with a happy ending on the high seas boasts some of Fairbanks’ best stunts, particularly when he slices into a sail with his knife and then lets gravity draw him down the length of the canvas as the knife slashes through the material. Fairbanks performs this stunt three times. The Kino DVD provides an insightful documentary about how Parker and Fairbanks staged this extraordinary stunt. The exuberance with which Fairbanks leaps and lunges, the spectacular briny settings, and the wind-driven sailing ships make this above-average adventure opus a thoroughly entertaining spectacle despite its conspicuous lack of sound. Anybody who enjoys pirate movies, especially the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies, won’t get sea-sick watching this epic. Mind you, this isn’t a fantasy with quasi-human creatures lurking about like in the Johnny Depp movie. Meanwhile, Jack Cunningham penned the screenplay from a story by Fairbanks writing under the pseudonym of Elton Thomas. The only drawback to the plot is that some of the coincidences are just too good to be true. Principally, the same island where the pirates stash their treasure is the same island that our hero has been washed up on himself.

After the opening credits, the film presents three expository title cards. The first one states: "A page from THE HISTORY and Lives of the most Bloodthirsty Pirates who ever infested THE SOUTHERN SEAS." Indeed, these pirates live up to their notoriety. The second placard spells out the themes: "Being an account of BUCCANEERS & THE SPANISH MAIN, the Jolly Roger, GOLDEN GALLEONS, bleached skulls, BURIED TREASURE, the Plank, dirks & cutlasses, SCUTTLED SHIPS, Marooning, DESPERATE DEEDS, DESPERATE MEN, and--even on this dark soil--ROMANCE." Finally, the third placard states: "It was the custom of THESE PIRATES to SUBDUE their prey, LOOT the ship, BIND their captives and BLOW THEM UP." Reportedly, Fairbanks and original director Donald Crisp quarreled and Fairbanks replaced him with Parker. Earlier, Crisp directed the Fairbanks’ 1925 “Zorro” sequel “Don Q Son of Zorro.” Nevertheless, Crisp remained aboard as a salty old dog of pirate named MacTavish who helps out our hero on several occasions.

The agile Douglas Fairbanks toplines this lightweight but lavish escapade as the Duke of Arnoldo. As "The Black Pirate" unfolds, the sea wolves are looting a ship. They have tied up virtually everybody left alive and then spill a powder train from the deck to the powder magazine located in bowels of the ship. Indeed, these guys are rather ruthless. The pirates loot the ship, bind the captives, and then run a powder train to blow up both the captives and the ship. These pirates don't play around Parker shows us the looted ship in a long shot as it explodes and then sinks. Arnoldo (Douglas Fairbanks of "The Thief of Bagdad") and his aristocratic father are the only survivors. Not only are the details about their survival omitted, but also the pirates don’t recognize the Duke when he inquires about throwing in with them. Moreover, neither Arnoldo nor his father appeared in the earlier scenes. In fact, Fairbanks' character doesn't show up until 9 minutes into the action. Arnoldo’s father hands him an elaborate ring that Michel later uses to prove his identity. Arnoldo vows to avenge the death of his dad at the hands of dastardly pirates. The Duke masquerades as a cutthroat himself and confronts them after they have stashed their treasure in an underwater cave on the island. Before these pirates can stash their treasure, they have to dig up a chest with the key to the locked gate of their secret underwater hiding place. Arnoldo fights his way into their ranks to end their criminal ways. Before he challenges the pirate captain (Anders Randolf) to a duel, Arnoldo fashions a makeshift grave stone from a piece of flotsam and scratches his solemn vow on it to exact revenge on the brigands. The treacherous pirates keep our hero guessing as much as he keeps teaching them one new trick after another until he defeats them. Along the way, he saves damsel-in-distress Princess Isobel (Billie Dove of “Yellow Lily”), falls hopelessly in love with her and wins her hand in marriage. Some of our hero’s clever tricks involve capturing an entire merchant vessel all by himself. Initially, they are dubious about his chances for pulling off such a stunt, but he captures a ship. Eventually, our hero vanquishes the villains after facing certain death by having to walk the plank. The pirate lieutenant follows Arnoldo onto the plank and other pirates have their muskets loaded and ready should he stick his head above water. Arnoldo escapes death principally because MacTavish and the Princess have stolen a knife and our hero has been able to whittle through his bonds. Our hero escapes from the villains and makes his way to the governor’s mansion where he obtains a long boat equipped with a cannon and a platoon of mariners. Initially, Arnoldo had planned to ransom both the ship and the passenger, the Princess, instead of blowing it up to sink.

Clocking in at a lean 94-minutes, “The Black Pirate” contains more than enough action for its hour and a half plus length, and the characters are interesting not only for who they are but also what they accomplish. Any pirate movie that opens with the chief pirate looting the dead is a keeper. Not long after this scene, the pirate chieftain spots a hostage swallowing a ring. The pirate chieftain summons a mate and pantomimes to the mate how he needs to remove the ring from the captive. The mate leaves and the captain watches. When the mate returns, he hands the chieftain the ring that he eviscerated from the student's gullet. Naturally, the pirate chieftain gets his comeuppance when the Fairbanks' hero challenges him to a duel and defeats him. Fairbanks doesn't so much kill him as the pirate kills himself when he falls on a sword that Fairbanks had stuck in the ground. The two-tone Technicolor makes the blood soaked forearms of the pirate stand out. No pirate movie, not even the Errol Flynn sound classics, ever topped this until the advent of R-rated movies. Indeed, "The Black Pirate" boasts everything a great pirate movie needs. Interestingly, this was Fairbank's last major money maker.

FILM REVIEW OF ''THE EXPENDABLES" (2010)

Although it doesn't qualify as the high-minded, movie massacre that "Rambo IV" was, writer and director Sylvester Stallone's ballistic, high-octane, adrenalin-laced actioneer “The Expendables” (***1/2 out of ****), about mercenaries with hearts of gold, delivers its thrills and chills like grenades in your face. A gnarly-looking Stallone assembles an ultra-elite group of combat veterans who are experts in the use of firearms, all kinds of exotic cutlery, explosives and their own bodies as deadly weapons of force. This rugged quintet of mercenaries renovates a South American dictator’s palace and wipes out his entire army. This enormously entertaining but thoroughly preposterous tough-guy tale boasts a constellation of legendary B-picture action stars. Clearly, Stallone still wields enough clout in Hollywood to attract Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, Dolph Lungren, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, and Randy Couture, not to mention Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger in cameos, to appear in his movie. Lensed on location in Brazil, New Orleans, and Los Angeles, this brawny but unbelievable, R-rated shoot’em up plays like “The Big Chill” of action movies. Life in "The Expendables" is cheap. Bodies topple like raindrops in a storm of gunfire. Bullets splatter heads and atomize other body parts. This cynical, hard-boiled thriller bristles with larger-than-life firefights, fistfights, and knife fights than what Hollywood usually reserves for action-minded audiences. Predictably, sentimentality ennobles our heroes. They behave like the whore with a heart of gold who gives it up for nothing. Far from being cold, heartless automatons, our bulletproof protagonists win both our sympathy and admiration. They live an unwritten code and banish those who abuse it. Looking as fit as he ever, Stallone sports a Van Dyke and lots of tattoos. Not only does Stallone act as the ringleader for these motley mercenaries, but he also wrote the screenplay as well as orchestrated the action sequences.

“The Expendables” opens at night in the Gulf of Aiden near Somalia as Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone of “Rocky Balboa”) leads his elite team of mercenaries to ransom hostages from a ship hijacked by ruthless pirates. The pirate leader (Amin Joseph of “The Mist”) isn’t satisfied with the $3-million ransom payment that our heroes deposit at his feet. Instead, he complains that the company that employs the hostages has taken far too much time to pay him off. Now, as our eponymous gunmen sight him in with their infrared laser scopes, he demands $5-million. Our heroes quibble about who shoots whom and then the loose cannon of the group, Gunnar (Dolph Lungren of “Rocky 4”), jump-starts the action and obliterates the leader with his grenade launcher. Meanwhile, our heroes wipe out the pirates to the last man without harming the hostages. This in itself should tell you that this is a movie for guys. Afterward, Lee Christmas (Jason Statham of the “Transporter” franchise), Yin Yang (Jet Li of “Unleashed”), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews of “Gamer”), and Toll Road (mixed martial artist Randy Couture of “Redbelt”) watch in horror as Gunnar tries to hang a surviving pirate. Gunnar's argument is that the pirates would have hanged them without a second thought. Yang deploys his steel-tipped boots to distract Gunnar, and Barney plunges his automatic pistol into the nape of Gunnar’s neck. It seems that Gunnar had acquired a meth habit and that puts him at odds with our heroes. Since Gunnar has broken their code, “The Expendables” kick him off the squad. According to Stallone, he wanted to cast Jean-Claude Van Damme in this role, but Van Damme didn't want to be depicted as a loser.

After they get back home, Barney hears about an offer from an anonymous man, Mr. Church (Bruce Willis of “Cop Out”), who wants him with meet him at a church. Barney suspects that the man is a C.I.A. agent. Mr. Church invites one of Barney’s oldest competitors, Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger of “Predator”), to listen to the offer, too. Church wants to topple a ruthless dictator on the South American island of Vilena. Naturally, Vilena is a fictional South American country. Anyway, Church wants the man behind the dictator, James Munroe (Eric Roberts of “The Specialist”), rubbed out with extreme prejudice. Munroe and General Garza (David Zayas of “Bring out the Dead”) have been harvesting illegal narcotics since they overthrew the previous head of state. Ironically, the person who opposes Garza with a passion, Sandra (Hispanic actress Giselle Itié), is his own daughter. She serves as an escort for Barney and Lee when they arrive to reconnoiter the island. Barney and Lee fly into Vilena in a battered looking amphibious plane. They pose as wildlife experts out to save injured animals, but they aren’t around long before Garza’s soldiers take an interest in Barney’s curiosity. Barney wanted Sandra to get him as close to the presidential palace as she could. Our heroes have to shoot their way off the island. Barney wants Sandra to come with them, but she refuses to leave. The cliffhanger escape is pretty exciting. Lee takes off with Barney scrambling down the dock. Barney barely makes it in time to seize a fingertip hold on the open door of the aircraft. Barney is so perturbed at the soldiers that he takes over flying the plane and Lee slips into the nose section where they have concealed multiple guns. By this time, about 50 troops along with Munroe have assembled on the dock. They tried to shoot down the plane, but predictably were unable to bring it down. Barney circles back around and strafes the dock, killing about 41 soldiers, really aggravating Munroe.

Later, Barney explains to his team that the operation is a C.I.A. set-up that will probably result in their deaths because the agency cannot be trusted to punish its own. Barney recommends that they turn down the offer. Nevertheless, Barney changes his mind after he thinks about Sandra and her decision to remain in the most miserable place in the world. One of Barney’s former mercenary pals, Tool (Mickey Rourke of “Iron Man 2”), reminisces about an episode in Bosnia when he failed to save an innocent woman’s life. Tool believes that if he could have saved her life, he might have saved part of his own soul. Barney is so moved by Tool’s memory as well as the memory of the defiant Sandra that he decides on impulse to go back into an impossible situation and save her. Although Gunnar is no longer with them, the Expendables volunteer to the last man to follow Barney. Instead of doing the impossible for a $5-million pay check, Barney and his men wind up doing it for nothing. Meanwhile, Munroe has Sandra arrested and his chief henchman, Paine (Steve Austin of “The Condemned”) tortures her so that he can learn the identities of the men who flew into Vilena. Our heroes show up again and all hell breaks loose this time, with blood and body parts flying like confetti.

While the violence isn’t as hardcore as “Rambo IV,” “The Expendables” boasts its share of mayhem. Nevertheless, Stallone raises the bar for mercenary movies with his no-nonsense, slam-bang direction. The violence may take you by surprise both with its severity and celerity. Not everybody has their limbs, legs, torsos, and other body parts shredded by gunfire. Some equally hideous deaths are left to your avid imagination. A character must possess some modicum of virtue to survive in this corrosive universe of “The Expendables.” The Statham character literally makes his knives sing and dance for him. The riveting scenes of close-quarters combat tops anything that you’ve seen since “Bourne” franchise. Stallone manages to imbue the action with a ferocity that will make you pay attention to it. Legendary stuntman Terry J. Leonard of “Blue Thunder” and “Cobra” handled the second unit work and the end credits list about 60 stunt people.

Movies like "The Expendables" usually fail because they fail to showcase their massive star power. Happily, Stallone shares the limelight with agile Jason "The Transporter" Statham, martial arts sensation Jet Li of “The Mummy 3,” hard-headed Dolph Lundgren of “Rocky IV”, and shotgun-wielding Terry Crews of “Gamer.” These guys chew the scenery when they aren't obliterating it. Incredibly, despite his shortage of scenes, Lundgren steals the show as a junkie mercenary who abandons his loyalty for his friends for his narcotic cravings. Meanwhile, Stallone hasn't forgotten how to shoot two guns at once, steer a truck like a runaway train in a drive-by, and generally kick butt when his own butt isn't being kicked. Wrestling champ Steve Austin and Julia's brother Eric Roberts deploy themselves as the most despicable dastards you’ll ever encounter. You can hate these desperados without a qualm. They shoot first and neglect to ask questions. No, "The Expendables" isn't cute, clever, or particularly literate. The dialogue shoves the plot forward without sounding like bumper sticker philosophy. The one line that really sticks out is uttered by Stallone’s character when Trench turns down the mission and heads for the front door. “What’s his problem,” Church asks. “He wants to be president,” Barney scoffs. They don’t have the usual planning scenes with maps and miniatures of the location. Nevertheless, this supercharged macho melodrama will rattle your cage like a blast from the past!

FILM REVIEW OF ''THE OTHER GUYS'' (2010)

“Saturday Night Live” comedian Will Ferrell has made a mint out of playing morons. He delivers another hilarious performance as a moronic New York Police Department detective in "Talladega Nights” director Adam McKay’s “The Other Guys,” (** out of ****) an ambitious but half-baked parody of slam-bang police thrillers. Oscar nominated actor Mark Wahlberg of “The Departed” co-stars as Ferrell’s pugnacious NYPD partner. Unfortunately, Wahlberg displays none of Ferrell’s comic genius. Indeed, nothing Wahlberg does registers as remotely amusing. He is either screaming at Ferrell or skewering his partner’s masculinity. Wahlberg appears to be channeling Joe Pesci from the Martin Scorsese classics “Goodfellas” and “Casino.” Alas, Wahlberg is no Pesci. The funniest thing next to Ferrell is the non-stop ridicule reserved for our hero’s red Prius. Incredibly, the car is far funnier than Wahlberg. McKay and “Land of the Lost” scenarist Chris Henchy struggle with little success to combine a formulaic buddy picture comedy with a complex white-collar crime conspiracy about a shady investment banker. Nevertheless, anything Ferrell does will keep you in stitches, but all Wahlberg’s scenes should have hit the editing room floor. Think of “The Other Guys” as a mediocre “Police Academy” knock-off with half of the laughs. Primarily, the humor grows out of the irony that two pencil-pushing desk jockeys wind up replacing two loose-cannon celebrity crime busters as the top cops in the Big Apple. The stunt work is terrific. The opening gag where a heroic pair of testosterone-driven cops smash their sports car through a double-decker bus to arrest two shooters for a misdemeanor amount of narcotics is impressive. Again, McKay and Henchy make some poor narrative choices. First, they kill off the two most charismatic characters, Highsmith and Danson, in the first quarter hour. Second, they replace them with two colorless morons. Our heroes qualify as genuine underdogs. Third, McKay and Henchy never provide a solid, colorful villain. The villainous chores are split between a the harmless investment banker and an antagonist Australian troubleshooter. You cannot spoof a genre, like crime movies, unless you follow the dictates of the genre. Since there is no central villain, our heroes have it pretty easy. The closest character to a villain turns out to be their own police captain. Mind you, "The Other Guys" isn't even an adequate parody. Some of the jokes on the side shine, like Dirty Mike and his homeless crew that have an orgy in our hero's car.

NYPD Detectives P.K. Highsmith (Samuel L. Jackson of “Pulp Fiction”) and Christopher Danson (Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson of “The Tooth Fairy”) are a macho pair of “Lethal Weapon” cops who refuse to let details complicate their roguish antics. Although they make spectacular arrests, they also create equally spectacular property damage. Nevertheless, everybody loves them so they can flout the rules without fear of repercussion. As “The Other Guys” opens, Highsmith and Danson are chasing a gang armed with assault weapons. Danson has gotten atop their Escalade, but he isn’t there long after they shoot up the roof. Danson dives back onto Highsmith’s car, rolls off the hood onto the roof, and swings into the front seat. The villains blast Highsmith’s car so the hood folds back against the windshield and blinds them. Highsmith shoots off the hood hinge. Too late! He plows into a double-decker bus as the villains appear to get away. Danson commandeers the double-decker bus with Highsmith’s car still stuck in it. Danson careens after the hoods, whips the double-decker around, launching Highsmith’s car with Highsmith blasting away with two pistols at the hoods. Highsmith takes them down, shoots the gas tank of their Escalade, and soars over the explosion, crashing into the building. After Highsmith and Danson receive their medals, Precinct Captain Gene Mauch (Michael Keaton of “Batman”) calls on somebody to complete their paper work. These two cops have never wasted their time with paperwork. Detective Allen Gamble snaps at the opportunity to complete the Highsmith and Danson paperwork. Not long afterward, Highsmith and Danson leap to their deaths when they try to thwart a team of acrobats who wield a wrecking ball to smash their way into a jewelry store and heist $79-thousand in stones.

A milquetoast forensic accountant who prefers to file paperwork, Gamble (Will Ferrell of “Old School”) likes to hum the S.W.A.T. theme and stay in the precinct office rather than nab the bad guys on the streets. His idea of busting loose is to floor the gas pedal of his Prius and play the Little River Band. Allen’s partner, Detective Terry Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg of “Date Night”), is just the opposite. Terry dreams of making the big bust. He suspects drug deals behind every crime. Sadly, Terry has been confined to a desk and stuck with Allen. The skeleton in Terry’s closet is he accidentally shot New York Yankees baseball slugger Derek Jeter in the leg during the seventh game of the World Series. Yes, the Yankees lost! Everybody in the precinct now calls Terry ‘the Yankee Clipper.’ Naturally, Terry hates Allen, but he lives by the venerable “partner’s code,” a police maxim that requires a partner to back up his partner no matter what the circumstance. Ironically, Allen’s obsession with paper work prompts them to arrest British investment banker Sir David Ershon (Steve Coogan of “Tropic Thunder”) who is up to his neck in a grand scheme to steal $32-billion from the NYPD Pension Fund to cover the loses of another Wall Street titan.

The best scene between Ferrell and Wahlberg is the lion-versus-the-tuna tale. Terry tells Allen that he would rip him to shreds as easily as a lion could a tuna. Terry destroys the lack of logic in Terry’s example with own flawed logic. He claims that the tuna would construct an oxygen apparatus to allow them to live out of water so they could stalk and attack lions on dry land. The running joke throughout “The Other Guys” is that nerdy Allen is a babe magnet. Sexy chicks come on to him but ignore Terry. At one point, Allen and Terry have to interview one of Allen’s old girlfriends to get message that was ghost-messaged from Allen’s cell phone to her cell phone. Again, Terry is flabbergasted by Allen’s sexy ex-girlfriend. Terry is floored when he finally meets Allen’s hot chick wife, Dr. Shelia Gamble (Eva Mendez of “Training Day”), who is crazy about her husband. Allen and Shelia met while he was in college acting as a pimp for some of his girlfriends. Allen assured Terry that his pimping days were dark days indeed because he became a different person nicknamed ‘Gator.’ “The Other Guys” swerves erratically between scenes of Allen and Terry bonding to the chaos that they create when they arrest Ershon. The “Grand Theft Auto” chases, the blazing gunfights, and the audacious wrecking ball jewelry heist accent look cool but these scenes seem out of place in a screwy buddy comedy. Ultimately, the PG-13 rated "Other Guys” runs out of momentum and laughs long before it runs out of plot.