FILM REVIEW OF ''NOAH'' (2014)

Visionary filmmaker Darren Aronofsky is an acquired taste.   The Brooklyn-born, Harvard University graduate makes esoteric films with a film festival-oriented sensibility, and he dabbles in subject matter and story-lines that may strike some audiences as provocative but offensive.   Most of the time, Aronofsky helms R-rated movies that are far from being family friendly.   “Black Swan” (2010), “The Wrestler” (2008), “Requiem for a Dream” (2000) and “Pi” (1998) carried R-ratings, while the MPAA gave “The Fountain” a PG-13 rating.   Despite his debatable subject matter and storylines, Aronofsky takes his movie-making efforts pretty seriously.   Indeed, Aronofsky lives up to his provocative but offensive reputation with his sixth feature-length film.   “Noah” (**1/2 OUT OF ****) should not be mistaken for a conventional Christian movie.   Writer and director Aronofsky and co-scenarist Ari Handel draw not only on the Biblical Book of Genesis: Chapters 6-9, but also the apocryphal Jewish Book of Enoch.  Mind you, Aronofsky has described “Noah” as “the least biblical film ever made.” This ambitious but uneven 138-minute Old Testament tale bristles with surprises that drastically differentiate it from most theatrical Christian films.     According to Aronofsky, he wanted to explore the Great Flood as “an environmental apocalypse,” and he classifies Noah as “the first environmentalist.”    Superficially, the “Black Swan” filmmaker’s adaptation adheres to the broad, general outlines of the Biblical saga of Noah and the Great Flood.    This Paramount Pictures release, however, constitutes the first Biblical blockbuster to incorporate supernatural elements which have been confined traditionally to either science fiction or fantasy films.  The supernatural elements in part come from the Book of Enoch, principally the fallen angels referred to as ‘the Watchers.’  

“Noah” opens with the title hero as an adolescent.  Noah’s father Lamech (Marton Csokas of “Kingdom of Heaven”) unravels a sacred snake-skin and tells Noah about it when Tubal-cain (Ray Winstone of “The Departed”) and henchmen interrupt them.  No sooner has Tubal-cain shown up than he murders Lemech without a qualm.  He smashes Lamech in the skull with a hammer.  Decades afterward, Noah (Oscar-winner Russell Crowe of “Gladiator”) has grown up.  He has a wife, Naameh (Jennifer Connelly of “Blood Diamond”), and three children, Shem, Ham and Japheth.  Noah and Naameh have kept   themselves busy raising their three sons.  They behave like hermits and shun city-living.  Since Adam and Eve have been exiled from Eden, the Earth has degenerated into a desolate, inhospitable Hell on Earth.  Indeed, “Noah” resembles “Mad Max” because everything looks sun-scorched, and everybody dresses as if they were in a leather-clad, medieval movie.  At one point, Methuselah appears as a warrior clad in full body armor with an extraordinary sword.  As vast armies of men charge headlong toward him, Methuselah hoists his sword and then plunges it in the ground.  Miraculously, when he sinks the sword into the Earth, the effect is comparable a modern-day fighter jet dumping napalm, and Methuselah incinerates the entire army!  Much later, Noah has a dream.  He finds himself underwater with thousands of corpses.  When he awakens, he has his marching orders.  He visits Methuselah, now an ancient man in a remote cave atop a huge mountain and explains that the Creator plans to destroy the world with water instead of fire.  Along the way, Noah and company come across some brutal but sad looking hulks of giants referred to as Watchers.  The Book of Enoch contains references to these Watchers.  In this instance, the Watchers are fallen angels. They are mentioned briefly in Genesis as the Nephilim. Eventually, Noah recruits the Watchers to help him construct the Ark.  For the record, it takes Noah and company ten years to construct the Ark.  The novelization of the film is more explicit about the time factor than the film. Once the villainous Tubal-cain learns about Noah’s plans, he arrives with his dirty, filthy army to take advantage of this golden opportunity.  Tubal-cain demands that Noah assure him passage aboard the ship, but our hero defies him.  When Tubal-cain makes threats, the Watchers line up ominously behind Noah to defend him.  Meantime, Noah and Naameh have taken in a poor girl left-for-dead, Ila (Emma Watson of the “Harry Potter” movies), and she becomes Shem’s playmate.  Family tensions arise between Ham (Logan Lerman of the “Percy Jackson” movies) and Noah, when Ham is not allowed to take a girl for himself from Tubal-cain’s kingdom. 

As historical Biblical films go, “Noah” is nothing like the earlier release “Son of God.”  Moreover, little in “Noah” resembles the 1966 epic “The Bible: In The Beginning” that cast John Huston as Noah, with an ark that looked more like a ship more than a rectangular wooden cargo container box.   Russell Crowe’s darkly-clad Noah qualifies as much as an action hero as a patriarchal figure who shuns meat as a part of his diet.   He can wield a knife with the best of them, and he acquits himself admirably in close-quarters combat when he clears the deck of the Ark of intruders before the rain launches the vessel.   In fact, Noah is terribly obsessed with the awesome duty that he must do for his 'Creator.'  Initially, he believes that he must preserve the wildlife for a new world even though he thinks that his own family is condemned to perish!  The performances are all above average with Ray Winstone making a thoroughly evil villain Tubal-cain.  Anthony Hopkins shows up occasionally as  Methuselah.  Jennifer Connelly makes quite an impression, too, as Noah's long-suffering wife.  For the record, nobody utters the name ‘God’ anywhere in “Noah,” and this crucial omission may be more than traditional Christians may tolerate.   In the novelization of the film, the word Creator is substituted for the name God, too.  Indeed, Aronofsky takes full advantage of poetic license in his interesting but awkward re-imagination of the Great Flood.  Throughout “Noah,” the principals entwine the snake skin that the serpent shed when it slithered into Eden, and this birthright is deployed for its magical properties.   The character of Methuselah provides Noah with a seed from the Garden of Eden that enables him to build the Ark.   Aronofsky changes several things, eliminates certain characters from Noah’s family, and allows a treacherous stowaway to slip aboard the Ark. If you are a stickler for fidelity, you aren't going to like this beautifully lensed opus. Ultimately, the supernatural creatures that will spoil it for Bible purists.  Secular audiences may enjoy “Noah” more than their spiritual counterparts for Aronofsky’s radical departure from the story and the new design of the Ark.

A FILM REVIEW OF "TROY" (2004)

"Das Boot" director Wolfgang Petersen shuns the gods in "Troy" (*** OUT OF ****) but doesn't suffer the consequences. This loose, long-winded adaptation of Homer's spear-and-sandal classic "The Iliad," about the legendary siege of the eponymous city and the hard-bodied combatants, who clashed swords, conjures up not only spectacle on a grand scale but also delivers charisma on an even grander scale. Traditionally, when we think about the Trojan War, we think about the adulterous Helen, who started it all when she cuckolded husband Menelaus and skipped Sparta with youthful Paris. After all, Helen's claim to fame rests on her comely features that reportedly launched a thousand ships. On the other hand, this revisionist, 21st century rendition spends more time admiring the abs of its heroes rather than the eyes of its anorectic heroines. Consequently, "Troy" ogles Achilles more often than Helen, and for good reason, too. Not since John Travolta buffed up for Sylvester Stallone’s abysmal "Staying Alive" (1983) has an actor so conscientiously dedicated himself to a muscular makeover.  Reportedly, Pitt spent six months building up his body.  Ironically, he pulled his Achilles tendon during the production.  Meanwhile, the producers make sure Brad bares his body early and often to display his magnificently sculptured biceps and six-pack.  This is not Brad Pitt as we are accustomed to seeing him.  He has a signature lunge as Achilles when he delivers the death blow with his sword that he repeats at intervals against his opponents that is visually striking.

 

Meanwhile, Petersen and scenarist David Benioff omits scenes of the Greek deities who would have divulged too much and ruined the suspense and tension in this mortals-only account of events.  A blond, bluffed-up Brad Pitt portrays Achilles as a pugnacious prima Donna.  He thumbs his nose at Agamemnon and lives for the moment in combat when he can attain his dream of immortality.  Compelling plotting and memorable dialogue bolsters this lengthy, but satisfying 162-minute, epic rehash of history's most celebrated ancient war. Nevertheless, despite its marathon length, skillful storytelling, and its secular, down-to-earth, reimagination of Homer, "Troy" has more going for it than the sum of its shortcomings. An impressive cast, including screen veterans Peter O'Toole and Brian Cox, Nigel Phelp's astonishing production values, the seamless integration of computer-generated effects with live action footage and several superbly staged combat sequences that have no equal in ancient actioneers offset whatever flaws in this $175-million plus, English language extravaganza.

The larger-than-life action opens in 1200 B.C.  King Agamemnon (Brian Cox of "The Glimmer Man") leads his army out to confront Triopas (Julian Glover of "For Your Eyes Only") on the field of battle. Agamemnon is an avaricious, warmongering opportunist. Triopas suggests Agamemnon and he avoid needless bloodshed by pitting the best of their best against each other.  This amusing prologue shows the womanizing Achilles as the greatest warrior of his day, a "Rambo" of antiquity, who can whip any adversary.  In his first, on-screen scrap, Achilles takes down an imposing Goliath-like opponent who makes our protagonist appear puny by comparison.  Size counts for little, because the smaller Achilles displays his agility in slaying his adversary with a single blow!  "Perfect Storm" director Petersen choreographs the action sequences with considerable flair and imagination, thanks in part to veteran James Bond stuntman Simon Crane.

The hand-to-hand combat appears not only believable, but also the actors wield their swords, shields, and spears with credible ferocity.  Later battles qualify as more than just aimless mob warfare with splendidly clad extras roughhousing it with their counterparts. Watch the way Achilles and his mercenaries cover themselves with their shields to repulse wave after wave of arrows.  The participants wield their armor with as much savvy as their swords and spears.  Meantime, the dialogue scenes that intersperse the gritty action are just as memorable. The theme of immortality pervades this fine example of an ancient world epic.  Ultimately, anytime Hollywood handles ancient history, the dialogue possesses an ersatz quality, but the lines here are insightful.

Indeed, Homer’s classic “The Illiad” inspired this illicit romance that prompted this war. Anybody who survived the 1960s should remember the classic Greek sagas such as "Jason and the Argonauts" (1963) and "Clash of the Titans" (1981). Every action on Earth generated corresponding action in the realm of the gods with Zeus lording it over his supernatural peers. "Troy" ignores the gods but doesn’t rank as a lesser effort for this neglect, though one can imagine how many more millions of dollars and minutes of time inclusion of the gods might have required. Generally, scenes with the gods serve to clarify terrestrial conflicts and clue us in on what we might have missed on Earth.

One of the shortcomings lies in the source material and its lack of explanation.  For example, audiences not familiar with Trojan mythology might have a difficult time understanding why an arrow through Achilles' ankle would prove so fatal. Petersen and Benioff scale down the action to mortals-only, and "Troy" looks as close to what could have happened if it happened. The beachhead landing (lensed in Mexico) emerges as the ancient equivalent of the sixth of June, D-Day landings in Normandy in World War II, with an armada of oar-driven ships crowding the sea from horizon to horizon.  You finally get to see the famous Trojan horse in the final 45 minutes.  Ace lenser Roger Pratt gives "Troy" a big-screen magnitude with his awesome long shots of virtually anything beyond arm's reach. When the opposing armies march against each other on the level lands in front of Troy, the spectacle is breathtaking in its scale.

Although Petersen and Benioff have tampered with the venerable plot, the action is worth-watching from fade-in to fade-out.  Achilles emerges as more of a villain, but Hector (Eric Bana of "Hulk") looks like a wrongly slain hero. Paris and Helen emerge as the least effectual lovers in a long time.  Naturally,  Orlando Bloom wields a bow and arrow.  Altogether, "Troy" ranks as a joy to watch!

 

FILM REVIEW OF ''300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE" (2014)

The surprising thing about “300: Rise of an Empire” (*** OUT OF ****) is that the Motion Picture Association of America gave it an R-rating.  Like its heroic predecessor about the Battle of Thermopylae, this sanguinary, sadomasochistic sequel depicts death by sword, spear, arrow, and oil, with its combatants slashing, hacking, and gashing limbs, legs, necks, and noggins with pugnacious abandon.  Despite its ritualistic, CGI-laden depiction of naval battles, this “300” ranks as the bloodiest adventure epic ever produced about warfare during Classical Antiquity.  Indeed, I felt like I was watching something that deserved a more appropriate NC-17 rating rather than a benign R-rating.  Occasionally, Hollywood augments their fare when they launch them into the home video market with scenes appealing to a less family-friendly demographic.  Typically, they synthesize more blood, sex, and violence into the cinematic content because the studios want to attract an audience that embraces a rougher treatment.  Undoubtedly, you’ve seen the unrated versions of these DVDs and Blu-Rays.  Apparently, the “300: Rise of an Empire” producers decided to retain abundant the graphic violence in their theatrical cut rather than delay it for home video.  This gratuitous violence may sicken the squeamish, while gore lovers will applaud the hematic, larger-than-life intensity.  Like the original, “300: Rise of an Empire” relies on slow-motion, ballet-like, battle sequences that enable us to appreciate the gravity-defying maneuvers of the combatants as they fight to the death.  Comparing it with “Saving Private Ryan,” “300: Rise of an Empire” shows everything but soldiers tangled up in their own intestines.  Interestingly enough, this Warner Brothers release imitates the studio’s classic films “Bonnie & Clyde” (1967) and “The Wild Bunch” (1969) that were among the first to wallow in slow-motion violence with arterial blood sprays.

“300: Rise of an Empire” does double duty as both a sequel and a prequel.   “300” helmer Zach Snyder and “Act of Valor” scenarist Kurt Johnstad adapted Frank Miller's unpublished graphic novel “Xerxes.”  Their screenplay covers historical action before and after the first film as well as during it.  You could describe “300: Rise of an Empire” as the meanwhile back at the ranch movie.  Although Snyder and Johnstad make mention of King Leonidas, they have only culled Gerard Butler’s scenes from the original.  Now, the battles are shown from the perspective of Athenian statesman Themistocles (Sullivan Stapleton of “Gangster Squad”), while Leonidas’ widow chimes in with some narration.  Sadly, Stapleton amounts to a rather bland, lackluster protagonist.  He doesn’t chew the scenery with the gusto that Gerard Butler did, but his exhortations sound like those of Leonidas.  Stapleton doesn’t shout dialogue at the top of his lungs like “This is Sparta!”  Although the Australian born Stapleton has a penetrating Montgomery Cliff stare, his Themistokles never overshadows brave King Leonidas.   Nevertheless, whatever “Rise of an Empire” lacks in a charismatic hero, Smart People” director Noam Murro more than compensates for this shortcoming with the most extreme villainess.  “Casino Royale’s” Eva Green sets the bar for female villains just as “300: Rise of an Empire” creates a new standard for presenting violence in sword and sandal sagas.  You’ll still be talking about Green’s dastardly dominatrix Artemisia long after you’ve forgotten about Stapleton’s Themistokles.  She doesn’t cut anybody any slack and engages in some pretty audacious acts..

Although King Leonidas and his 300 warriors come up in the conversation, “300: Rise of an Empire” involves Athenians more than Spartans.  Ambitious Athenian General Themistokles wants all Greek city-states to unite against the imminent threat King Darius (Igal Naor of “Green Zone”) of Persia poses with his massive military supremacy.  As the action unfolds at the historic Battle of Marathon in 490 B.C., Themistokles and his men rout Darius and his enormous naval fleet.  Our aggressive Athenian champion proves his mettle when he mortally wounds the Persian monarch with a single, well-aimed arrow.  Darius’ son Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro of “The Last Stand”) reaches his father’s side too late to save him.  The Persians retreat as a consequence of Darius’ arrow in the chest.  Darius dies in his bed after his semi-adopted daughter Artemisia (Eva Green of “Dark Shadows”) tears the arrow out of his torso without blinking.  Afterward, she sends young Xerxes off into the desert on a journey of initiation to become a man.  Later, Xerxes returns and resembles the giant with too much jewelry and mascara that he came to be, but he displays his considerable menace with his height and his deep baritone voice.  While he dispatches emissaries to approach King Leonidas, Xerxes sends Artemisia and his fleet to contend with the Athenians.  Hopelessly outnumbered, the Athenians rely on clever stratagems to blunt Artemisia’s probing incursions.  Initially, Themistokles repulses her fleet, but she retaliates with something that the Greeks aren’t prepared for even as they witness it. Eventually, Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey of “Game of Thrones”) reappears and spearheads an assault on the Persians along with “300” survivor. Dilios (David Wenham). 

Credit goes to Murro for choreographing some dynamic, but aesthetic battle scenes with gallons of ersatz blood and dismembered body parts flying.  The naval battles in “300: Rise of an Empire” are nothing short of spectacular whether they are technically accurate or otherwise.  Literally, the Greeks are reminiscent of David in his battle against Goliath as they mobilize their much smaller fleet and turn the Persians’ physical might against them.  In other words, they rely on strategy forged in the crucible of their own cultural heritage as much as their geographic location.  Artemisia’s back story about her captivity in slavery and the tortures that she endured at the hands and other appendages of the Greeks make you sympathize momentarily for her.  Indeed, Artemisia makes a memorable villain who overshadows Themistokles.  The back story of Xerxes is just as interesting, and the filmmakers have done a good job of converting the six foot, two-and-a-half-inch tall Rodrigo Santoro into a 10-foot giant.  Altogether, “300: Rise of an Empire” qualifies as a rabble-rousing, historical hellraiser!

FILM REVIEW OF "POMPEII" (2014)

“Resident Evil” director Paul W.S. Anderson must have loved both “Titanic” and “Gladiator” because “Pompeii” (*** OUT OF ****) appropriates the template and tropes from those blockbusters.  Nevertheless, “Pompeii” is not primarily a chick flick.  “Game of Thrones” actor Kit Harington plays an enslaved warrior who lost his entire family when sadistic Romans slaughtered them in Britain.  Harington is cast as the impoverished, but virtuous protagonist, while porcelain-faced Emily Browning plays Cassia, the pampered daughter of an affluent Pompeii entrepreneur.  Cassia has had enough of Imperial Roman society and repellent Romans, specifically the wicked Senator Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland) who displays no qualms about killing not only the enemy but also his own if the mood strikes him.  Aside from an invincible African-American gladiator (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) already imprisoned at Pompeii, Anderson and his three scenarists confine themselves to this handful of characters, with a few loitering on the periphery.  Indeed, characterization is kept to a demographic minimum.  Not surprisingly, you’ll sympathize with our tragic lovers while you’ll abhor Corvus with a passion and applaud his comeuppance.  If you’ve seen either “Titanic” or “Gladiator,” you’ll know what is going to happen to these characters before they do.  “Batman Forever” co-scripters Janet Scott Batchler and Lee Batchler plus “Sherlock Holmes” scribe Michael Robert Johnson have recycled all the usual clichés.  Anderson doesn’t let anything interfere with the headlong momentum that he generates. 

“Pompeii” unfolds in 62 AD in Britannia.  A long-haired youngster, Milo (Dylan Schombing), escapes death from the swords of ruthless Roman soldiers.  Corvus and his army annihilate Milo’s tribe of Celtic horsemen.  The Romans mistake young Milo for one of the dead and add his body to a pile of corpses.  This is the familiar scene where the villains think our hero is dead, but really isn’t dead.  The last big-screen movie that used this trope was “The Lone Ranger.”  Nevertheless, the ‘mistaken for dead’ trope works dependably for “Pompeii.”  Eventually, after he proves his mettle on the battlefield as a superb horseman, Milo is enslaved.  Years later, a Roman slave trader, Graecus (Joe Pingue) spots Milo, who has since acquired the moniker ‘the Celt’ for his fearless pugnacity.  Milo is the equivalent of William Wallace in “Braveheart.”  Milo makes mincemeat out of all his adversaries.  He winds up in Pompeii where he will clash swords with the undefeated champ, Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje of “Congo”), a bold combatant both agile and confident.  Opposites through and through from pigment to pugnacity, these guys will have each other’s back before the fat volcano sings.

Our hero and heroine meet on the road to Pompeii.  One of the horses drawing Cassia’s carriage collapses.  Milo intervenes despite the protest of his captor.  As a member of the aristocracy, Cassia shields Milo from charges of insubordination for putting the horse out of its misery.  She was on the way back from Rome where she had spent a year.  Apparently, Cassia had a romantic relationship that ended awfully for both parties.  Now, it is love at first sight when she sees Milo.  The love that Milo feels for her will prompt him later to defy death.  Meanwhile, Milo must battle lethal opponents in the arena.  Eventually, Atticus and he become allies in the face of surely insurmountable odds.   “Pompeii” boasts several exciting combat sequences, and the one in the arena against many Roman soldiers is reminiscent of something from his “Resident Evil” epics.  Anderson orchestrates these close quarters combat scenes with agility and style.  The actors parry and thrust in ways that bring out the ferocity and eloquence of the sword fights.  Naturally, Cassia reacts with horror when Corvus demands she marry him or see her parents ruined.  Jared Harris of “Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows” and Carrie Moss of “The Matrix” are relegated to secondary victim roles as Cassia’s father Severus and mother Aurelia.  Sadly, Moss models apparel without any gravity-defying martial arts moves.

“Pompeii” is predictable, but exciting nonsense.  About an hour into the action, Mount Vesuvius erupts, and comparisons with “Dante’s Peake” are inevitable.  An alien attack couldn’t be any more devastating than the multitude of fireballs catapulted from the combustible crucible of Vesuvius.  Anderson and his CGI artists have forged a spectacular fireworks show.  The scenes of people scrambling chaotically to reach the Bay of Naples and the sanctuary of a ship at sea are exhilarating.  As it turns out, even the ships aren’t safe from these fireballs.  During the third half-hour, our hero and heroine run desperately for their lives.  Atticus is battling his adversaries in an effort to reach Milo, and Corvus is struggling to break through a mob of citizens who have him mired down in the streets.  Simultaneously, Vesuvius unleashes one barrage of fireballs after another.  Anderson really accelerates the action during the third half-hour.

Surprisingly enough, at least to me, I enjoyed this Tristar Pictures release, but I have a soft spot for gladiator movies.  “Pompeii” qualifies as more of an actioneer than a chick flick.  Notably, our lovers are young, but they never consummate their soulful relationship which makes their love all the more chaste.  The slam-bang ending that audiences may not buy because things end tragically is probably the strongest thing about “Pompeii.”  Mind you, Anderson has made a gripping little sword and sandal saga with a love story to sweeten up the shenanigans.  The heroes are virtuous; the villains are vicious; and the wrath of Mother Nature is vast in its fury.  Mount Vesuvius grumbles ominously in the background until it explodes and earthquakes rock the city.  Clocking in at a Spartan 98-minutes,“Pompeii” never wears out its welcome, and its breathtaking CGI reenactment of Mount Vesuvius blowing its stack is lavishly larger-than-life.  Naturally, the CGI imagery here surpasses anything three earlier movies, such as the 1913 silent version as well as the 1935 as well as 19959 versions of “The Last Days of Pompeii,” offered.

FILM REVIEW OF ''ROBOCOP'' (2014)

The “RoboCop” science fiction franchise ran out of steam after its lukewarm third installment in 1993.  The landmark futuristic fantasy never regained its footing when leading man Peter Weller departed after “RoboCop 2” (1990).  “Person of Interest” villain Robert John Burke donned the armor for the third movie.  Afterward, “RoboCop” sought refuge on television.  The sharpshooting cyborg cop meted out justice in 23 episodes of a short-lived Canadian television series from 1994 to 1995 with Richard Eden as Officer Alex Murphy.  In 2001, our armor-clad hero reappeared in the TV mini-series “RoboCop: Prime Directives” with Page Fletcher as the cybernetic crime-stopper.  Twenty-six years after the original “RoboCop,” Sony Pictures and MGM have rebooted the franchise with fair-to-middling results.  Brazilian director José Padilha’s “RoboCop” (** OUT OF ****) casts lanky, Swedish actor Joel Kinnaman as the android-hero that Peter Weller incarnated.  This sleek, glossy, fleet-footed, $100 million dollar sci-fi crime thriller delivers its share of exciting moments.  Nevertheless, Padilha’s polished, but utterly synthetic saga spurns the audacious qualities of its dystopian 1987 predecessor.  Dutch director Paul Verhoeven’s clever yet cynical “RoboCop” remains a must-see masterpiece and its savage, high octane sequel with Weller is a worthwhile second act.

 

Indisputably, the new “RoboCop” boasts seamlessly CGI-imagery and a starry cast featuring Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Keaton, Gary Oldman, Jay Baruchel, and Jackie Earle Haley.  Sadly, despite its cast and CGI, “RoboCop” manages to be only half as memorable as its first-rate forerunner.  Furthermore, the remake pales by comparison with “RoboCop 2,” but it definitely tops “RoboCop” 3.  Padilha has fashioned an immaculate as well as prudish PG-13 actioneer with considerably less gore than Verhoeven’s R-rated epic.  The corporate and criminal villains in the original dwarf their counterparts in the remake.  Heroes are measured by the villains they have to defeat.  Badder villains make better heroes.  The bad guys in the first “RoboCop” constituted a rogue’s gallery of dastards. None of the villains in the remake can touch them.  The most innovative idea is equipping our crusader with a Batman like motorcycle rather than cramming him into a claustrophobic police cruiser.  Every time Peter Weller sat in a police cruiser, he could only wear the top half of his RoboCop armor.  Basically, the suit was far too big for him to sit in the car. 

The chief difference between the original and the remake is the transition that Detroit detective Alex Murphy takes to emerge as a cybernetic crime-buster.  In the first film, Murphy suffered dreadfully at the hands of sadistic criminal Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith) and his howling hooligans.  Contemporary audiences might shrink at Murphy’s disturbing demise.  Comparatively, things are less odious for Kinnaman.  Instead of his appendages blasted into ground beef by laughing low-lifers, Murphy is simply blown up.  Our incorruptible protagonist and his African-American partner, Jack Lewis (Michael K. Williams of “Snitch”), had been closing in on notorious arms dealer Antoine Vallon (Patrick Garrow of “Nikita”), but were never able to nail him.  Detroit Police Chief Karen Dean (Marianne Jean-Baptiste of “Spy Game”) reprimands Murphy for disobeying her orders about Vallon.  Predictably, the headstrong Murphy refuses to cooperate.  He suspects corrupt cops are shielding Vallon. One evening after he has tucked his son David (John Paul Ruttan) into bed and is about to sleep with his comely wife Clara (Abbey Cornish of “Sucker Punch”), the alarm in his car erupts for no apparent reason.  Unable to remotely disarm the alarm, Murphy is thoroughly surprised when he opens the door, and his car explodes, leaving him on the threshold of death. 

Freshman scenarist Joshua Zetumer dispenses with the graphic torture scene that prostrated Murphy in the original.  Instead, he makes our hero’s near death experience impersonal.  Actually, Zetumer’s method of making Murphy into a casualty so a corporate robotics firm can rebuild him adheres to formula.  According to the formula, the police hero doesn’t climb into a booby-trapped car.  Instead, somebody close to him dies in the vehicle, and our hero must avenge them.  The vintage Glenn Ford movie “The Big Heat” (1953) made best use of this gimmick.  Anyway, greedy OmniCorp CEO Raymond Sellars (Michael Keaton of “Beetlejuice”) appropriates Murphy’s mutilated remains with Clara’s consent and convinces his top scientist, Dr. Dennett Norton (Gary Oldman of “True Romance”), to reassemble him as a half-man, half-machine juggernaut.  The main obstacle to Sellars’ dream of mobilizing a corps of cybernetic cops in America has been the Dreyfus Act that prohibits the use of robots as police.  America is the only nation that doesn’t use cyborg cops, and conservative television analyst Pat Novak (Samuel L. Jackson of “Pulp Fiction”) sees this opportunity as a mandate to repeal Dreyfus.  Indeed, the Pentagon has relied on Sellers’ robots in troubled third-world countries, but they can only deploy them overseas.  Sellars schemes to convert Murphy’s tragedy into a public relations triumph that will not only win over Congressional support, but only make the American market his oyster.  Naturally, Seller encounters more than a glitch or two as the harried Dr. Norton struggles to make Murphy’s mangled remains compatible with his shiny robotic hulk.

Several shortcomings undermine the “RoboCop” remake.  First, Joel Kinnaman radiates little charisma as the eponymous hero.  Second, in the original, Murphy’s partner was a tough gal (Nancy Allen) who kicked butt.  Murphy’s sidekick here lacks her tenacity.  Third, Padilha stages an adequate number of shoot-outs, but our hero usually swaps lead with robots.  Fourth, the combat sequences aren’t orchestrated with half of the flair of Verhoeven’s shoot-outs.  Worse than anything else, however, is Padilha’s largely humorless approach.  In the original, a television news cast interrupted the plot periodically with some subversive humor that often qualified as downright misanthropic.  Scenes with Samuel L. Jackson’s boisterous right-wing pundit ranting at intervals are no substitute for those satiric scenes, and Jackson’s insufferable Novak character delivers more wind than wit.  Altogether, this “RoboCop” remake qualifies as tame, lame, with little of the same that set apart the original.