FILM REVIEW OF "THE THREE STOOGES" (2012)

If you’ve never seen a “Three Stooges” comic short or any of their feature length comedies, the new Farrelly Brothers’ farce is an awful way to acquaint yourself with Moe, Curly, and Larry.  Indeed, it is difficult to believe the same guys who created “There’s Something about Mary” and “Kingpin” concocted this sophomoric comedy.  Unlike the television biography that Mel Gibson produced about the Three Stooges back in 2000, the Brothers Farrelly wanted to revive the fictional morons rather than chronicle their real-life counterparts.  Further, the Farrellys decided to let the “Stooges” wreck havoc in a contemporary setting.  Basically, the Farrellys cannot rekindle the comic genius of these maniac Jewish comics who acquired a reputation for poking eyes, slapping heads, and twisting noses.  Sadly, the laughs are few and far between.  This $30 million imitation of the Three Stooges qualifies as fair.  Juveniles may giggle at the geysers of urine, but neither the Farrellys nor the new Stooges generate a third as many laffs as the originals. 

Chiefly known for their crude and rude movies, the Farrellys usually get a PG-13 or an R-rating for vulgar content.  “The Three Stooges” (** out of ****) marks their first PG-13 release.  The PG-rating covers violent slapstick action and some rude and suggestive humor, including language.  Nevertheless, the Farrellys give the eponymous threesome every opportunity to slap, punch, and gouge each other with glee.  Every “Three Stooges” movie basically is a comedy of errors.  Before the dust settles, the trio has inflicted enough pain and injury on each other to land them in the emergency room.  The colossal stupidity that these three display in their best efforts to perform a task is side-splitting.  The best scene the Farrellys conjure up occurs in a hospital newborn ward.  The Stooges juggle babies, and the infants empty their bladders on them in a shower of urine.  Were this not enough, the Farrellys convinced the cast of the hit reality TV show “Jersey Shore” to suffer the wrath of Moe.  Watching Moe reprimand the “Jersey Shore” regulars is entertaining.  Most of the other gags in “The Three Stooges” have a Rube Goldberg quality.  When they try to remove a bell from a roof, the Stooges lose the head of a sledge hammer.  The sledge head flies off into a water bucket.  The last thing that happens in that scene involves the use of that particular water bucket.  The person intending to refresh another doesn’t know about its’ contents.  

Sean Hayes, Will Sasso and Chris Diamantopoulos do a credible job of impersonating Larry, Curly and Moe.  The complicated material that “Me, Myself & Irene” scenarist Mike Cerrone and the Farrellys serve up defeat their efforts.  “The Three Stooges” unfolds in three back-to-back episodes, each slightly longer than the Columbia Pictures shorts.  The Farrellys and Cerrone have treated this “Stooges” saga as an ‘origins’ film.  They provide some background about the trio.  The protagonists appear as children in the first episode and later predominantly as adults in the second and third episodes.  Believe me; nothing in any of these three episodes will have you in stitches.  “The Three Stooges” resembles an inferior pilot for a proposed television series.  Our threesome land on the front steps of the Sisters of Mercy Orphanage after a car careens up and a duffle bag flies out the window.  The first nun to inspect the duffle, Sister Mary-Mengele (Larry David of “Seinfeld”), takes two fingers in the eyes and topples backwards off the steps.  Eventually, Sister Mary-Mengele becomes their chief adversary.  If the name Mengele sounds familiar, Nazi Josef Mengele was the notorious SS Officer who presided over the destiny of prisoners at Auschwitz.  Anyway, Sister Mary doesn’t cut them any slack.  Another nun follows up and finds three infants in the duffle.  They look like tyke-sized replicas of the adult Moe, Larry, and Curly. 

Mother Superior (Jane Lynch of “Role Models”) and the sisters try to trick a gullible husband and wife, the Harters (Stephen Collins of “Star Trek: The Motion Picture” and Carley Craig of “The Heartbreak Kid”) into adopting Moe.  Rather than letting the prospective parents see every child, the sisters trot out just the Three Stooges.  When it appears the nuns have fooled the Harters into taking the trio off their hands, another child, Teddy (Jake Peck), enters the room by accident.  The trio end up stuck at the orphanage for life.  Twenty-five years later, they are still living at the Sisters of Mercy.  Moe (newcomer Chris Diamantopoulos with a distinctive bowl-shaped haircut) emerges as the boss of the bunch.   Larry (Sean Hayes of “The Bucket List”), Curly (Will Sasso of “Southland Tales”), and Moe perform chores for the sisters.  

As a consequence of the Stooges’ audacious exploits, the orphanage cannot afford its insurance premiums.  Monsignor Ratliffe (Brian Doyle-Murray of “Caddyshack”) shows up to warn the Mother Superior about this crisis.  They have about a month before they must close the orphanage.  Ratliffe tells the Stooges that $830-thousand is required to save the place.  The remainder of this shallow comedy concerns the cockeyed antics of the Stooges as they struggle to obtain that $830-thousand.  The obstacles they face are well-nigh insurmountable.  Furthermore, these knuckle-heads are completely clueless about how they can save the day.  Quite by accident, they encounter Lydia (Sofía Vergara of “Four Brothers”) and her shady boyfriend Mac (Craig Bierko of “Sour Grapes”) as they are searching for somebody to kill her husband.  Of course, the Stooges think that Mac is married to Lydia.  In reality, Lydia is married to grown-up Teddy (Kirby Heyborne of “Saints and Soldiers”) the kid from the orphanage.  Mac convinces them that he wants to die and they plan his demise.  When Lydia offers our numbskulls $830-thousand, they prepare to let blood.  

“The Three Stooges” looks like the Farrellys made it for elementary school age kids. You’d be better off watching any of the 190 genuine “Three Stooges” comic shorts or their six feature length films.  Worst, “The Three Stooges” rates as the worst Farrellys’ movie ever.

FILM REVIEW OF ''ZOOKEEPER" (2011)

Incongruity is the basis for the best comedy. Consider any clown. A clown has big ears, an enormous nose, voluminous pants, and elongated feet. Clowns exaggerate their physical appearance for laughs. Not only may the star in a comedy be a clown with outlandish features, like either Buster Keaton or Charles Chaplin, but the narrative in a comedy may also provide an element of incongruity. For example, the fish-out-of-water comedy contains characters struggling to fit into the puzzle of an unknown environment. They may be working at a new job. They may have to deal with unfamiliar people. These new friends may use another language and cherish strange customs with which our hero lacks familiarity. Consequently, the hero ends up behaving like a buffoon because he is out-of-place.

"Waterboy" director Frank Coraci's new featherweight comic misfire "Zookeeper" (** out of ****) relies on incongruity for its few funniest moments. More often than not, the slapstick takes a backseat to a saga which swirls bromance with romance. When he isn't bonding with a depressed male gorilla, Kevin James cavorts with two attractive heart-breakers: Rosario Dawson and Lesley Bibb. One gal is right for him, but the other is dead wrong. The trouble is that our hero wouldn't recognize the right woman even if he were looking her in the face so he becomes infatuated with the wrong one. Imagine what would happen if you combined "Night at the Museum" with "Dr. Doolittle" and you'll have a good idea what to expect from "Zookeeper." The big surprise—the only surprise--is that the animals break their vow of silence and speak their piece when our hero thinks about quitting his zoo job. Several major stars, including Adam Sandler, Sylvester Stallone, Cher, Jon Favreau, Nick Nolte, and Faizon Love, furnish the voices for these real-life animals.

Unfortunately, these animals generate little charisma, and they aren't very interesting as characters. They constitute stereotypes on parade with nothing to distinguish them aside from the celebrity's voice-over. Nevertheless, they do provide a support group for our loser hero so he can discover his one true love. Remember incongruity? A comedy with animals advising a human how to conduct a romantic relationship encapsulates incongruity. Some of those comedic incongruities and our hero's idiocy may make you question the film's PG rating. Otherwise, "Zookeeper" qualifies as an affable but anemic Kevin James comedy about one of his typical nice-guy protagonists who finds himself romantically challenged at the game of love. Neither the former "King of Queens" TV star nor his female co-stars conjure up any chemistry. As one of the producers, James makes moments for his own brand of dumb physical slapstick shenanigans. No, "Zookeeper" isn't nearly as hilarious as "Paul Blart, Mall Cop." You can count the laughs on one hand and have fingers left over, unless you are between ages five and eight.

Our sympathetic hero works at Boston's Franklin Park Zoo. The animals adore him. He adores the animals. Trouble is that our big lug of a hero has become infatuated with a gorgeous gal who works as a fashion model. Stephanie (Leslie Bibb of "Law Abiding Citizen") likes Griffin Constantine Keyes (Kevin James of "Grown-Ups"), but the shallow supermodel doesn't love the big lug. The apple of our hero's eye is seeking status conferral for the sake of status conferral. "Zookeeper" opens promisingly as Griffin and Stephanie are riding together on one horse along a deserted stretch of beach. When they spot a bottle in the sand, they dismount to check it out. Stephanie removes the note which turns out to be Griffin's proposal, and he presents her with a ring. Stephanie turns Griffin down because he is a lowly zookeeper. As the two are riding away, a Mariachi band appears and serenades them. Moments later, fireworks erupt and scintillate the sky. Griffin feels like an idiot, and Stephanie is just plain embarrassed.

Five years elapse, and Griffin's brother is about to tie the knot with his own marriage when Stephanie appears and shows an interest in Griffin. When Griffin considers quitting his job at the zoo to sell cars for his brother, the animals speak out and coach him in the art of seduction. The loquacious capuchin monkey voiced by Adam Sandler suggests that our hero throw his poop at his favorite girl. The lion voiced by Sylvester Stallone recommends that he cut his girl out of the herd. stresses the importance of urinating as a part of the courtship. You can see where this is going. Eventually, the animals suggest that he take a date of his own to intrigue Stephanie. Who could be more ideal as a date than his co-worker, Kate (Rosario Dawson of "Kids"), goes out with him and it doesn't take long for our hero to realize that he has been chasing the wrong lady. Moreover, despite the hike in pay, Griffin realizes that he cannot change himself, especially what he likes doing at the zoo.

The filmmakers do an adequate job of making the animals look as realistic as possible even when they are conversing with each other. Of course, nobody but Griffin knows that this menagerie can squawk and squabble. The animal that comes closest to making an impression is a brooding gorilla (voiced by Nick Nolte) named Bernie who has been unjustly framed for attacking another zookeeper. Shane (Donnie Wahlberg of "Saw 2") made up the incident with malice aforethought. As a result, Bernie has been ostracized to a pit and doesn't enjoy the view that he had in his previous enclosure. Eventually, Griffin takes Shane to task for this perfidy. What should have been the best scene occurs when Griffin takes Bernie to T.G.I. Friday's Restaurant. He convinces Bernie to act like they have attended a costume party. Nothing really hilarious happens. Later, James's best moment comes when he upstages Stephanie and her abrasive boyfriend (Joe Rogan of "The Fear Factor") at the wedding with an airborne dance number with Rosario Dawson that suddenly takes a turn for the worst.

Altogether, "Zookeeper" is no keeper.