FILM REVIEW OF ''THE BLOB" (1958)

 "The Blob" (*** OUT OF ****) qualifies as a cult science fiction film not only because it launched 27-year old Steve McQueen on a trajectory to superstardom, but also because it exploited the popular themes of alien invasion and teenage delinquency which were inseparable in 1950s   cinema. Interestingly, nobody in the Kay Linaker and Theodore Simonson screenplay ever refers to the amorphous, scarlet-red protoplasm that plummeted to Earth in a meteor and menaced everybody in the small town of Downingtown Pennsylvania on a Friday night as "The Blob." They refer to it vaguely as the monster. Steve McQueen won the role of Josh Randall, the old West bounty hunter in "Wanted: Dead or Alive," after producer Dick Powell saw this Paramount Pictures' release. Meanwhile, McQueen's attractive girlfriend Aneta Corsaut went on to star opposite Andy Griffith in the hit CBS-TV comedy "The Andy Griffith Show" as Sheriff Taylor's school teacher girlfriend Helen Crump. Of course, neither McQueen nor Corsaut were teenagers, but then rarely did actual teenagers play actual teenagers. Director Irvin S. Yeaworth, Jr., made his directorial debut with "The Blob." Linaker and Simonson's screenplay synthesized four genres: first, the alien invasion; second, teenage delinquency; third, a murder mystery, and fourth; a horror chiller. Moreover, while the gelatinous substance assumes various shapes, it remains largely anonymous. In other words, the eponymous Jell-O neither talks nor communicates through telepathy. Instead, it kills without a qualm and discriminates against nobody. The ill-fated Dr. Hallen summarizes the Blob: "There's a man here with some sort of a parasite on his arm, assimilating his flesh at a frightening speed. I may have to get ahead of it and amputate. No... I don't know what it is or where it came from."The tone of "The Blob" is fairly serious in spite of its somewhat campy nature.

As the filmmakers point out on the Criterion DVD release of "The Blob," the movie opens uncharacteristically for a sci-fi horror thriller with our hero and heroine in a remote rural locale making out and kissing. Jane (Anita Corsaut) and Steve (Steve McQueen) see a large meteor fall to the earth and drive in search of it. Meanwhile, an elderly man with a lantern finds the meteor and pokes it with a stick. The meteor cracks open, and a slimy bunch of goop clings to the stick. When the old timer (Olin Howland of "The Paleface") gets a closer look at it, the goop attaches itself to his hand. The old guy runs screaming from the crater, and Steve nearly hits him with his jalopy. Steve and Jane pick the guy up and take him to see Dr. Hallen in town.

Hallen is poised to leave town for a medical conference when Steve and Jane bring the old guy to his office. Hallen phones his nurse to return since he may need to perform an amputation. Of course, Hallen has never seen anything like the substance on the man's forearm. Hallen sends Steve and Jane to find out what happened. Our heroes run into another group of teenagers that ridicule Steve's fast driving. Steve fools him into a reverse drive race, but the local police chief Dave (Earl Rowe) lets him off the hook. Steve and the teenagers visit the site of the meteor crater and find the warm remains of the meteor. After they visit the old man's house and rescue a dog, the teenagers split for a spooky late night movie while Steve and Jane return to Dr. Hallen's office. During the interim, the blob has entirely absorbed the old geezer, killed Hallen's nurse and attacked the doctor. Neither acid thrown on the protoplasm nor Hallen's shotgun have any effect on the blob. Steve catches a glimpse of the blob absorbing Hallen. When Steve and Jane go to the police department to report the incident, Dave is frankly incredulous, while Sergeant Bert (John Benson) believes that it is a prank. Bert has an axe to grind with teenagers because his wife died when one struck her car.

Steve and Jane take them to Hallen's office, but they can find neither hide nor hair of anybody, but Dave admits that the office has been vandalized. Against Sgt. Bert's advice, Dave turns the teens over to their respective parents. We learn that Jane's father is the High School principal. No sooner have Steve and Jane fooled their folks into believing that they are snugly asleep in bed than they venture out again. Jane's little brother in his pajamas with his stuffed Teddy Bear pleads to join her. Jane emphasizes the he needs to watch over their unsuspecting parents. They drive into town and spot the old man's dog that got away from them in front of a supermarket. When they go to retrieve the mutt, Steve steps in front of the electric eye door of the grocery store and it opens. They find nobody inside, but they encounter the blob. Steve and Jane take refuge in a freezer and the blob doesn't attack them. Later, after they escape, Steve persuades the teenagers that challenged him in a street race to alert the authorities because he is supposed to be home in bed. Police Chief Dave and the fire department arrive at the supermarket. Steve tries to convince Dave that the blob is in the store. About that time, the blob kills the theater projectionist and attacks the moviegoers. Suddenly, a horde of people exit the theater and Dave believes Steve. Steve and Jane wind up at a lunch counter that the blob attacks. The proprietor and our heroes hole up in the cellar and Steve discovers that a fire extinguisher with its freezing contents forces the blob to back off.

The authorities collect every fire extinguisher in town and manage to freeze the blob. The Pentagon sends down a team to transport the blob to the North Pole. As the remains of the blob drift down to the polar ice pack, the end credit appears with a ghostly giant question mark. Producer James B. Harris obtained stock military footage of a Globe master military transport plane depositing the parachute and its cargo.

"The Blob" proved to be a drive-in hit and Steve McQueen's surge to stardom gave the film added momentum. Unless you are a juvenile, this little horror movie isn't scary at all, but Yeaworth and his scenarists create a sufficient amount of paranoia and sympathy for our heroes. They never show the blob actually assimilating its victims and leave this to your imagination, so "The Blob" isn't without a modicum of subtlety.

ONLY THE VALIANT (1951) ***1/2 OUT OF ****

 "Only the Valiant" qualifies as a pretty gritty western. This straightforward U.S. Cavalry versus Apaches saga is a solemn suicide mission with minimal humor. “Them” director Gordon Douglas stages this grim, harrowing, outdoors epic with gusto, and a brawny cast of hard-bitten hellions sweating bullets when they aren’t shooting them surrounds leading man Gregory Peck. Lon Chaney, Jr., Neville Brand, Ward Bond, Jeff Corey, and Steve Brodie constitute some of the cast. Ostensibly, "Colorado Territory" scenarist Edmund H. North and "A Place in the Sun" scribe Harry Brown adapted western filmmaker Charles Marquis Warren's taut novel. Basically, a squad of die-hard cavalrymen receive orders to prevent bloodthirsty Apaches from massacring defenseless white settlers. The chief dramatic complication is these cavalrymen don’t stand a chance in Hades. North and Brown adhere to Warren's novel for the most part. The last-minute revelation--when it seems our heroes are doom—is a corker! This frontier tale drums up a palatable aura of claustrophobia in the latter half of its 105-minute runtime. The stark black & white cinematography of "Going My Way" lenser Lionel Linden endows this adventure with a grim look that enhances its tension. Actor Michael Ansara, who later played the antagonist in "Guns of the Magnificent Seven," is extremely effective in a small role as the hated Apache leader Tucsos.

"Only the Valiant" opens with Army Scout Joe Harmony (Jeff Corey of “True Grit”) providing expository voice-over narration. "This is my stamping ground. I'm a scout for the Army. Had my work cut out for me for a long time. Behind that pass there is the whole 'Pache nation. (There is a map of the territory with the Flinthead Mountains stretching across the screen with a bottleneck pass.) They used to come swarming out of the pass killing everything in sight. Then we built a fort—Fort Invincible. It plugged up the pass, just like a cork in a bottle. Things was fine for a while. But them 'Paches is pretty smart. One day the bottle blew the cork plum apart." We are shown the burning remains of Fort Invincible with a dead man pinned to a stockade wall and a lance sticking out of his belly. Hidebound Captain Richard Lance (Gregory Peck of "12 O’Clock High") and his troopers charge in on horseback and capture Tucsos, and Joe Harmony (Jeff Corey of "True Grit") wants to shoot him on the spot. Harmony points out Tucsos is "the fella that started this whole business." Lance intervenes, "The Army doesn't shoot prisoners, Joe." Predictably, Harmony is aghast. "He's no common injun. He's just as near to a god as a fella can get. If you shoot him now, things will quiet down. Without Tucsos stirring them up, the rest of those Indians will get reasonable, just as fast as they can. You take him in alive, you'll have every 'Pache in the territory coming after him. We have had three years of this, you can stop it now." Just as predictably, Captain Lance refuses to kill Tucsos, and his decision to take the Apache back sets things into action.

Colonel Drum (Herbert Heyes of "Union Station") surprises Lance when he tells him Tucsos should have killed. As it is, they need to get Tucsos to another post. Everybody from the troopers to Joe Harmony know taking Tucsos to Fort Grant is asking him to die. The Apaches are poised like predators in the mountains, and the fort is blatantly under strength. Meantime, Douglas introduces us to Captain Eversham's daughter, Cathy (Barbara Payton of "Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye") and young Lieutenant William Holloway (Gig Young of "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?"). They play a peripheral part in the conflict. Lance and Holloway both want to wed Cathy. Clearly, Cathy prefers Lance. Meantime, Colonel Drum refuses to let Lance escort Tucsos to Fort Grant. Instead, Drum orders Lance to send Holloway in his place, shocking everybody. Lance has never changed an order. Furthermore, Lance saw Cathy and Holloway kissing in public. Everybody thinks Lance has reassigned Holloway out of sheer jealousy. Indeed, one officer observes that rewriting orders is about as sacrilegious as rewriting the Bible. Predictably, Tucsos escapes, and the surviving troopers accompanied by Harmony bring back  Holloway’s mutilated body.

Although Drum anticipates the arrival of a relief column of 400 troopers in ten days, Harmony explains Tucsos will launch an attack before they arrive. Since Tucsos was held captive in the fort, the wily Apache knows about the shortage of manpower. Lance wants to take six or seven men of his choosing to maintain Fort Invincible and thwart Tucsos from assembling a war party. A defile in the mountain pass keeps the Indians from riding through in full strength. Instead, they must pass through one-at-a-time. Lance believes his men can hold Invincible until the relief column shows up. Drum gives him permission, and Lance recruits the worst men. All of them hate him with a passion and crave the chance to kill him.

"Only the Valiant" exemplifies the new breed of military western emerging after World War II. This is not a gung-ho John Ford cavalry western with troopers serenading their commanders. Again, Lance's own men want to kill him. This foreshadows the attitude of troops during the Vietnam War when they fragged their officers. Lance bears the onus of Holloway’s death—except those few privy to the circumstances that prompted the change of orders sending Holloway in charge of the escort. The black & white photography enhances the grim nature of this western. "Only the Valiant" amounts to a last stand western until the last-minute reprieve. Reportedly, Peck hated this movie, but then it is not “The Gunfighter” with its anti-violence message. If anything, "Only the Valiant" lives up to its Warner Brothers origins. Small but significant, it bristles with melodramatic twists and turns and features lots of unsavory characters, virtually a "Dirty Dozen" western.

FILM REVIEW OF "THE EXPENDABLES 2" (2012)

Watching the old-fashioned, larger-than-life, male-bonding epic “The Expendables 2” (**** OUT OF ****) is like enjoying a nostalgic jaunt down memory lane. A gallery of brawny 1980s era, action-hero icons assembles for this testosterone-laden tale that depicts combat on land, sea, and in the air with double-digit body counts. At one point, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis stand shoulder-to-shoulder, armed with automatic weapons, firing fusillades of bullets into wave after wave of pugnacious bad guys.  Joining Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Willis this time out are two more 1980s era action heroes: Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Along with these legendary leading men, newcomers Liam Hemsworth, Scott Adkins, and Nan Yu dodge bullets, too. Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, and Dolph Lundgren reprise their roles as Barney Ross’s tough-as-nails mercenaries. Just as sentimental as the original “Expendables,” “Expendables 2” conjures up ten times more carnage and demolition in its remote Bosnian settings.  Unlike the original, this ambitious sequel gives Schwarzenegger and Willis far more screen time to flesh out their identities.  While the dialogue amounts to amusing one-liners served up over twenty years ago in the advertising campaigns of “The Terminator” and “Die Hard,” the formulaic screenplay penned by Stallone and “16 Blocks” scribe Richard Wenk qualifies as a standard-issue revenge thriller. Essentially, you should prepare yourself for lots of eardrum numbing battle sequences interspersed with soul-searching dialogue scenes among the principals when they aren’t exposing themselves in the line of fire.  Nothing has really changed aside from a fresh, new setting in Albania that appears scenic in its own grungy way. 

“The Expendables 2” erupts with a series of slam-bang action scenes that resemble something “The A-Team” use to pull off every week during its five-year run on NBC.  Barney Ross and his pals show up in a squalid-looking town in Nepal on a ‘do or die’ mission to rescue a Chinese billionaire from some nasty extortionists. They careen into the city in military vehicles designed to smash through barriers of every description. These aggressive-looking trucks have clever names stenciled on them, such as ‘knock-knock’ and ‘bad attitude.’ Mind you, it doesn’t matter that our heroes are hopelessly outnumbered because they devastate the opposition mercilessly with artillery blasts and bursts from .50 caliber machine guns. At one point, Barney (Sylvester Stallone of 1981’s “Nighthawks”) cranks up a motorcycle and wields it like a weapon to bring down a helicopter.  Our heroes evacuate in motor-driven boats but find themselves pursued by trigger-happy soldiers in ‘Everglades’ air-boats armed with mortars. Momentarily detained in the jungle, Barney and Lee Christmas (Jason Statham of 1998’s ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”) recover their seaplane and sweep down out of the sky like the cavalry as the villains are drawing a bead on their comrades.  There is even a revelation or two in all this bullet-riddled mayhem that takes Barney by surprise before they make their getaway.

After a round of beers back home, Barney runs into the dubiously named Mr. Church (Bruce Willis of 1988’s “Die Hard”) who has been waiting for him at the latter’s aircraft hangar.  Church dispatches Barney Ross and his cronies on ‘a walk in the park’ mission to crack a safe in a crashed jetliner. Church surprises Barney when he sends one of his own agents. She can open the mysterious safe without atomizing everybody.  Initially, Barney objects to bringing a woman along on the mission. As it turns out, Maggie Chan (NanYu of “Diamond Dogs”) allays Barney’s anxieties that she won’t be able to fend for herself. Maggie looks extremely lethal in combat against multiple male opponents. Our heroes have no problem locating the wreckage of the jet and a few tense moments ensue after they find the safe. Unfortunately, everything goes awry afterward, when an army of sadistic villains intervenes, demands the contents from the safe, and threatens to execute one of Barney’s unit if they don’t lay down their arms and hand over what they found in the plane crash. Motivated as much by the loss of one from their own ranks, Barney and company set out in furious pursuit of the villains.  An Eastern European crime cartel led by an appropriately named thug Jean Vilain (Jean Claude Van Damme of 1988’s “No Retreat, No Surrender “) has no qualms about killing. The information liberated from the safe contains the whereabouts of five-tons of plutonium abandoned by the Russians in a derelict mine during the Cold War. Vilain and his menacing minions have recruited slave labor from the location population at gunpoint to help them excavate the plutonium.

British director Simon West, who helmed “Con-Air,” “Laura Croft, Tomb Raider,” and “The Mechanic,” rarely allows the pace to slow down in this noisy extravaganza, especially when the heroes and villains are blasting away at each other with murderous glee. West and “xXx: State of the Union” editor Todd E. Miller never unnecessarily linger on a single image.  Some of the editing seems almost subliminal.  Clocking in at a nimble 102 minutes, “The Expendables 2” offers double the action with double the stars. “Lone Wolf McQuade” star Chuck Norris finds himself in the fray and shows that he still possesses the stamina. It is difficult to believe that all these guys, who once battled it out among themselves for box office supremacy, have come together to make such an outlandish but entertaining opus. For the record, Dolph Lundgren’s character, Gunnar, has cleaned up his act from the original and is back with Barney and company. Gunnar still picks on agile, pint-sized Jet Li while Barney and Lee bicker with each other about anything and everything. If you saw “The Expendables,” you know that Lee Christmas had fallen in love with a gal who let her sadistic boyfriend beat up on her.  Lee and Lacy (Charisma Carpentar of TV’s “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) are now a couple. Conspicuously absent from the cast is Mickey Rourke who played the philosophical Tool in the original.  If you loved the original “Expendables,” you’ll love “The Expendables 2.” Rumors are flying that the producers are already casting a third installment in the franchise.

FILM REVIEW OF ''TOTAL RECALL" (2012)

The remake of the vintage Arnold Schwarzenegger sci-fi saga “Total Recall” with Colin Farrell replacing Arnie as the hero isn’t bad. Unfortunately, this atmospheric, above-average, but convoluted British produced extravaganza won’t erase the memory of the original film with its gratuitous violence and abrasive cynicism. “Underworld” director Len Wiseman has made a polished looking picture, but he just doesn’t deliver the goods with the same panache that director Paul Verhoeven served them up back in 1990. Incidentally, I didn’t enjoy “Total Recall” as much as some of the Austrian bodybuilder’s other sci-fi forays, namely “The Terminator” franchise and “Predator.”  Nevertheless, this larger-than-life actioneer boasted riveting action, stunning surprises, slam-bang action with buckets of synthetic blood and layers of latex appliances. The cast spouted the F-word approximately 28 times and uttered it without qualm. Comparatively, Wiseman’s “Total Recall” (**1/2 out of ****) remake shares little in common with its 1990 predecessor in all those respects. The action here is practically plasma-free. The new film’s PG-13 rating tones down most of what made the R-rated original so objectionable. The escalator scene in the first movie where Arnie appropriated the bullet-riddled corpse of an innocent bystander and wielded the cadavar as a shield to absorb a barrage of bullets is conspicuous absent from the new “Total Recall.” Furthermore, Wiseman and scenarists Kurt Wimmer of “Law Abiding Citizen” and Mark Bomback of “Unstoppable” have confined the action entirely to a post apocalyptic planet Earth. Interestingly, Wiseman’s “Total Recall” retains most of the elements of cult author Philip K. Dick’s imaginative short story "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale"  with minor exceptions. The short story concerned a white-collar, accountant hero, while the two films featured a blue-collar protagonist. Although the “Total Recall” remake shuns the Martian setting, it adheres to the template of the original without any extraterrestialaliens. Sadly, the chief villain in the remake seems congenial compared to the original scoundrel who spewed venom. Additionally, while the first movie eliminated Sharon Stone as a supporting villain early in the action, the remake with Kate Beckinsale in Stone’s role not only rewards her with considerably more screen time than Stone but also expands her role.  She becomes the villain’s right hand henchman.

The new “Total Recall” unfolds in the late 21^st century after chemical warfare has devastated planet Earth.  Humans have retreated to the only two remaining places where they can breathe fresh air. What had been the United Kingdom has become the United Federation of Britain.  Meanwhile, Australia has become the Colony. If the cities in the United Federation of Britain bear a passing resemblance to both “Metropolis” and “The Fifth Element,” then the Colony resembles the overcrowded urban landscape of Ridley Scott’s “Blade Runner.” Humanity is quickly running out of places to live.  Chancellor Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston of “John Carter”) seeks to sanction urban renewal. He wants to lead his army of synthetic robots into the Colony and clean it out.  Basically, the Colony is a dreary, rain-drenched, ghetto of a community. Cohaagen is searching for an excuse to storm it. A resistance movement has emerged around a notorious but enigmatic rebel, Matthias (Bill Nighy of “Valkyrie”), who strikes fear in Cohaagen’s heart.  Cohaagen orchestrates terrorists’ attacks on the UFB so he can invade the Colony.  He plans to take advantage of the commuter train which runs between the UFB and the Colony. Essentially, this commuter train looks like a gigantic puck that plunges between the two destinations in fifteen minutes or less. The tunnel bores past the Earth’s core where the train loses gravity briefly before entering the UFB.

Working class stiff Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell of “Minority Report”) lives in the Colony and has been taking the train to work for years. He assembles synthetic storm troopers for Cohaagen’s army in a factory. When he isn’t building better robots, he lives with his gorgeous wife Lori, (dark-haired Kate Beckinsale of “Contraband”), who works as an emergency medical technician. Lately, Quaid has been having bizarre dreams.  He has fantasies that he is fighting alongside a mysterious woman, Melina (Jessica Biel of “Stealth”), in the resistance movement who loves him. One day Quaid decides to relieve the tedium of his meaningless existence. He enters a place known as Rekall that will implant memories which will enrich his life. Rekall is tantamount to a tanning salon except that they inject drugs into their customers so they can experience a number of role-playing scenarios. Quaid wants to fulfill his desire to be a secret agent battling hordes of bad guys. Little does our clueless protagonist suspect he may have been a secret agent.

Make no mistake; the producers have spared no expense to create elaborate settings for this somber, straightforward dystopian thriller.  Although Colin Farrell qualifies as a better actor than Arnold Schwarzenegger, Farrell lacks the iconic charisma of the former California governor. Schwarzenegger amounted to as much a special effect in the first one as all of the elaborate latex appliances that adorned a three-breasted prostitute as well as the mutants. Mind you, Wiseman makes an allusion to the three breasted woman, but he makes no reference to the resistance leader in the original that had a midget attached to his stomach like a bizarre Siamese twin. Instead, the remake pits Farrell against twice as many adversaries as the original. The villain’s army of robotic warriors resembles those in the “Star Wars” prequel trilogy with similar outfits. Although it bristles with careening car chases and close-quarters combat galore in cliffhanger encounters, “Total Recall” rarely provides anything remotely memorable. Wiseman has lost his knack for choreographing nimble action scenes that keep you perched on the edge of your seat. Beckinsale makes a terrific villain, while Farrell and company go through the motions. Somewhere in the “Total Recall” remake lurks a first class movie, but it never reached the screen.

FILM REVIEW OF ''THE GARDEN OF EDEN" (1928)

Lewis Milestone enjoyed a long, prestigious career in Hollywood. He directed over 40 films, from the Oscar-winning Best Picture of 1930 "All Quiet on the Western Front," where he won the Best Director's Oscar, to the maritime Marlon Brando epic "Mutiny on the Bounty" in 1962. Milestone made his share of good World War II movies, principally "Edge of Darkness" and "A Walk in the Sun." Milestone's eleventh outing, the silent, black & white, romantic comedy "The Garden of Eden," is a tale of initiation based on a German play. Clocking in at a minimal 78 minutes, this lightweight but flirtatious "Cinderella" saga about a single girl who discovers Mr. Right generates a lot of laughs. Watching it is like watching a 1980s chick flick as the impressionable heroine finds true love and happiness after enduring some hardship. What most people will find entertaining about this silent movie is its modern sensibility. Is Madame Bauer a bisexual? Milestone proves above everything else that he had a nimble touch when it came to comedies. Of course, bona fide film geeks will appreciate the fact that William Cameron Menzies served as art director on this amusing piece of fluff. Menzies won an Oscar for "Gone with the Wind." The Academy recognized him for his "outstanding achievement in the use of color for the enhancement of dramatic mood in the production of Gone with the Wind." Interestingly, the year before "The Garden of Eden" came out, Menzies received his first Oscar for Best Art Direction for "The Dove" (1927) and the same year that "The Garden of Eden" (**** OUT OF ****) went into release, he received his second Oscar for "Tempest."

A headstrong but naïve young woman, Toni LeBrun (Corinne Griffith), decides to pursue a career as an opera singer. Before she can realize her dream, she has to abandon the pretzel making business at the Viennese bakery where she works with her aunt and uncle and leave town. Clearly, Toni cannot discuss this career decision with her relatives because she has to sneak out of their house and catch a late train for Budapest. "The Garden of Eden" depicts what happens when this optimistic, misguided girl from the country arrives alone in the big city, and goes to a metropolitan night club, the Palais de Paris, to audition for a role. Instead, Toni finds herself having to hoist her dress so that the business savvy manager, Madame Bauer (a masculine-looking Maude George of "The Marriage Bubble"), can gaze at them. "Good! I'm sure you'll be a great success as an opera singer," Bauer observes with more than a little irony. Bauer slips the cabaret seamstress, Rosa (Louise Dresser of "Salomy Jane"), a hand written message to put Toni in the 'Seemore' outfit. When the curtains rise at the Palais de Paris, Toni is stomping around backstage having a temper tantrum because of the modest costume that she has to wear. She refuses to wear it and Madame Bauer arrives in time to hear Toni's complaints. Bauer steps forward and reprimands Rosa for giving Toni such a revealing dress. Rosa reminds Bauer that she told her specifically to prepare the Seemore dress for Toni. Bauer approves a new dress, the Puritan costume, and Toni has no qualms about wearing this conservative apparel. Although it hasn't sunk into her head yet, Toni doesn't seem to realize that the Palais is a gentleman's club, and Madame Bauer is nothing less than a female pimp. One of Bauer's wealthy customers, Henri D'Avril (Lowell Sherman of "Satan in Sables"), wants to have a drink with Toni, and Bauer provides a private room for them. Rosa watches as a cabaret waiter locks Toni and Henri in the room. Eventually, after she drinks a couple of glasses of liquor, Toni freaks out and the lights go out. Rosa is frantic about this arrangement and pulls out her key to unlock the door. When the lights come on again in the private room, Henri finds himself kissing Rosa instead of Toni. Madame Bauer fires both Toni and Rosa on the spot. Rosa's response is to embark on her annual vacation where she lives like royalty at the Hotel Eden in Monte Carlo, and she drags Toni along with her. At the hotel, she signs register as Baron her in as her daughter Antoinette.

As they settle into their luxurious hotel room, Toni limbers her fingers up on a piano. She plays music that attracts the attention of a young man, Richard Dupont (Charles Ray of "Alias Julius Caesar") and he manages to get her attention. The remainder of this introduction scene and the bedroom scene later are two of the best scenes in "The Garden of Eden." The first one involves a system of signaling each other that they discover quite by accident. In other words, they flick the lights on and off in rapid succession. Before long everybody else in the hotel mimics them, much to Rosa's chagrin. Richard calls Toni on the phone, but winds up talking with Rosa. He wants to visit Toni in person and Rosa plans to surprise him, not unlike she did Henri at the Palais de Paris. Richard opens the wrong door and sees Toni at another door facing the room where Rosa is playing the piano. This entire scene is a masterpiece of blocking. Richard winds up stuck behind a door when Rosa undresses and then he cannot leave because uncle shows up to romance the ladies. At the last moment, he appears and ends up going to eat with them. The repetitive way that Richard has to dodge back and forth behind the door is hilarious. A scene almost as funny occurs not long afterward when Toni and Richard take a sleeping powder and struggle to stay awake. Eventually, Richard persuades Toni to marry him, but problems occur when Henri D'Avril shows up for Richard's wedding and exposes Toni for who she really is.

"The Garden of Eden" is fantastic!

FILM REVIEW OF "THE WATCH" (2012)

The Ben Stiller comedy “The Watch” (* out of ****) qualifies as a botch. Initially, Twentieth Century Fox had planned to release this prurient, lowest common denominator farce with the title “Neighborhood Watch.” When news from Florida broke that authorities had arrested an armed neighborhood watch volunteer and charged him with the murder of an unarmed African-American youth, the image-conscious studio deleted “Neighborhood” from the title. Anybody who tries to connect this tragic, true-life shooting with “Hot Rod” director Akiva Schaffer’s loutish lowbrow laffer is stretching their argument mighty thin. Basically, this raunchy comedy about four suburbanites who avert an alien invasion reminiscent of “Battleship” yields little hilarity. Stiller plays his usual uptight but affable buffoon. He struggles desperately throughout this second-rate slapstick saga to earn respect from anybody. Typically, the best comics are those who don’t call attention to themselves. Stiller isn’t the only one of the four who plays it as if “The Watch” were a melodrama. Meanwhile, Stiller’s gesticulatory co-star Vince Vaughn relies on his lame-brained, motor-mouthed loquacity to mine comedy from the least amusing things. For example, he finds it incredibly hilarious that he can pull one smaller doll after another larger one in a Russian nesting doll collection. Caught in the comic crossfire between Stiller and Vaughn, Jonah Hill holds his own in a performance that channels the sleaze balls that Giovanni Ribisi has played in both “Contraband” and “Ted.” Finally, the most unusual member of this goofy quartet is comedian Richard Ayoade who constitutes the equivalent of scripter Seth Rogen.  Without Ayoade’s bespectacled, African-English presence and accent, “The Watch” would be too Caucasian for its own good.  If Vaughn and Hill stand out as the most repellent of the four, then Stiller and Ayoade are the most likeable. Nevertheless, these losers make the silent movie comics The Keystone Kops appear intelligent by comparison.

Evan Trautwig (Ben Stiller of “Meet the Parents”) manages the Costco Wholesale Warehouse in the drowsy, little town of Glenview, Illinois. Evan gives new meaning to civic awareness. Not only has he organized a neighborhood jogging club, but he also teaches Spanish to seniors at the community center. He helped a Hispanic security guard, Antonio Guzman (Joe Nunez of “Superbad”), obtain his American citizenship. No sooner has Antonio celebrated his new status as an American citizen than he dies under mysterious circumstances during his night shift at Evan’s Costco. The manner of Antonio’s death is horrific; whatever killed him robbed him of his skin. Evan is upset when the local police fail to develop any leads other than ‘a wild animal’ premise in the demise of his night watchman. One of the smart aleck policemen, Sergeant Bressman (Will Forte of “Rock of Ages”), amuses himself when he implicates Evan in the murder. Conscientious citizen that he is, Evan rushes out to form a neighborhood watch. During an intermission at a Glenview High Spartans’ football game, our hero wears a T-shirt with the words NO MORE MURDERS on it and proclaims his ambitious plans. The spectators ridicule his poor, clueless Evan. Later, at his residence, our hero waits for what he hopes will be a standing room only crowd. Instead, three guys arrive. A construction manager named Bob (Vince Vaughn of “Wedding Crashers”), a psychotic twentysomething called Franklin (Jonah Hill of “21 Jump Street”) who lives with his mom and sleeps on a box springs filled with firearms and porno magazines, and a recently divorced, community conscious individual known only as Jamarcus (Richard Ayoade of “Submarine”) stop by Evan’s house. These three don’t have the same motives as Evan. He wants to bring Antonio’s killer to justice. Franklin is a high school drop-out that the local police rejected for employment. Bob joins because he needs a night off from his wife to bond with his buds. The group gets off to a rocky start when they relocate to Bob’s man cave to enjoy beers while Evan outlines his plans for a watch group. They argue about their insignia and wind up wearing gaudy jackets with flaming Chinese tigers flying. Sergeant Bressman tickets them by for having open beer in Evan’s Chevrolet mini-van during their first night out as ‘the watch.’ Pressman tickets Evan for posting 200 posters without a license. Eventually, our heroes bust a high school kid who mercilessly pelts them with eggs at the football field. Later, they tangle with an alien. Indeed, they blast it full of bullets, but their hail of lead serves only to stun the creature. Afterward, they take trophy photos of themselves with the alien. This scene is probably the funniest scene in “The Watch.” Little do these numbskulls know that the only way to stop these aliens is to rip off their genitalia!

Eventually, our heroes discover they are contending with extraterrestrial adversaries. These ugly looking aliens have holed up in Evan’s Costco Warehouse because it contains everything they need under one roof. Talk about obvious product placement! The aliens kill Earthlings without a qualm and bleed green slime. They have established their base of operations in the Costco warehouse basement. Their chief weapon is a metallic, basketball shaped object that fires a beam that disintegrates objects. Our half-witted heroes stumble onto it and atomize a harmless cow in a pasture. Along the way, they encounter some eccentric people whom they suspect are aliens disguised as humans. One of these is Evan’s next door neighbor, Paul (Mitt Romney lookalike Billy Crudup of “Public Enemies”), who behaves suspiciously until they learn what he is doing that attracts so many people. “Mr. Popper's Penguins” scenarist Jared Stern along with “Pineapple Express” scribes Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg manage to slip in some surprises. Nevertheless, they have penned better comedies. The profane, locker-room dialogue is cockamamie-oriented, and the guys are obsessed with male genitalia. “The Watch” resembles an uninspired spin on both “Ghostbusters” as well as “Men in Black.” If you like to watch movies where guys gush about the penis, you’ll enjoy “The Watch.”

FILM REVIEW OF "TRANSIT" (2012)

“Seconds Apart” director Antonio Negret generates some genuine adrenaline-driven thrills, chills, and spills in his second feature length release. The rural crime thriller “Transit” (**1/2 OUT OF ****) qualifies as a tense road picture about four murderous thieves who tangle with an innocent family in backwater Louisiana over a fortune in stolen loot. The only shortcoming of this above-average but formulaic melodrama is its lackluster ending that deprives the protagonist of any reward for his heroic deeds. Fortunately, the cast is convincing, particularly Jim Caviezel as the devastated dad and James Frain as the desperate dastard. Of course, the authorities are clueless about what is happening between the heroes and the villains. Ironically, the law only complicates the situation and imperil our hero and his family. Frain looks particularly degenerate as the sleazy gang leader, while Harold Perrineau works up a lather as a trigger-happy henchman. “According to Greta” scenarist Michael Gilvary has cross-stitched the plots from the Dana Andrews’ epic “Hot Rods to Hell” (1967) and the Audrey Hepburn nail-biter “Wait Until Dark.” In ‘Hot Rods to Hell,” rebellious teens terrorized a family on a deserted stretch of highway. In “Wait Until Dark,” a deadly drug dealer stashed his narcotics in the blind heroine’s luggage for a transoceanic flight and the villains invaded her New York City apartment afterward to retrieve it. “Transit” received an R-rating for violence and terror, profane language and brief teen drug use in marijuana.

“Transit” opens with an armored car robbery. Indeed, it is an inside job, but the traitor doesn’t get a share of the loot. Instead, he takes a bullet. Afterward, the quartet of armored car robbers needs to figure out a way to get past a police roadblock without getting caught. They replace the camping gear strapped down atop of the Sidwell family SUV with their ill-gotten gains. Initially, the family has no clue about the villains have done. Marek (James Frain of “Titus”), Arielle (Diora Baird of “Wedding Crashers”), Losada (Harold Perrineau of “The Matrix Revolutions”), and Evers (Ryan Donowho of “Broken Flowers”) have fooled themselves into believing that they can retrieve their loot from the unsuspecting family before they realize that they’re  being used as a mule. Predictably, nothing goes as planned for either side, and those are the best dramatic moments. The conflict emerges from the situation. Our hero Nate (Jim Caviezel of “Outlander”) has just been paroled from prison. He served 18 months in a Federal Prison for real estate fraud. Now, poor Nate is struggling to get his wife Robyn (Elisabeth Röhm of “Abduction”) and his two sons together for a vacation when they run afoul of the bad guys. Some of the action will take you by surprise. Neither Negret nor Gilvary make it easy for either the heroes or their adversaries to achieve their respective objectives. No sooner do the villains have the loot than they lose it. Not long after the hero appropriates the millions, he loses it in the swamp. Could a suspicious looking fellow riding around the swamp in a boat have anything to do with the missing loot? If this weren’t enough, the hero’s wife mistakenly believes that Nate is involved with the villains.

The black 1972 Chevrolet Chevelle that the villains drive assumes a character of its own, and the long shots of it hauling down the highway look as cool as the spinning tire shots. Negret handles the chase sequences with aplomb. The car crash involving the Deputy Sheriff's Crown Victoria is pretty awesome. While nothing about this cat and mouse thriller is remotely original, the action is swiftly paced, and the acting is sturdy. Jim Caviezel turns in a good performance as the harried head of the family. No, he doesn’t get escape from this close encounter without sacrificing some flesh. Most of the action was lensed on location around Praireville, Louisiana. Clocking in at 88 minutes, “Transit” doesn’t wear out its welcome.