FILM REVIEW OF ''HIT AND RUN" (2012)

 Dax Shepard and his fiancée Kristen Bell co-star in the witless romantic comedy “Hit and Run”(* OUT OF ****) that Shepard wrote and co-directed with his pal George Palmer. Palmer and Shepard helmed the video short “Reunited” (2010) as well as the spoof documentary “Brother’s Justice.” The style of comedy that they espouse mingles dry humor with slapstick. The garrulous characters never cease making asses of themselves. This half-baked buffoonery about a goofy getaway driver in the Witness Relocation Program who shacks up with a brainiac, drop-dead gorgeous, community college professor delivers more run than hit. Nothing about this low-brow, tread-burning, crime melodrama will make you either smile or flinch. The grossest scene resembles something that Sasha Baron Cohen might have removed from one of his offensive comedies. Our hero and heroine are on the run when they check into a motel. They find a sex orgy in their room with participants who are old, fat, and ugly. This tasteless scene qualifies as so gratuitous that the MPAA probably had no choice but to slap “Hit and Run” with an R-rating for nudity. Shepard and Palmer aren’t content to show this unsightly scene once but twice for maximum impact. Meantime, you’ll lose count of the number of times that the F-word is uttered. The violence remains relatively mild by today’s standards. A felon takes a slug in the back with a splash of blood for realism. A man is shown mercilessly slugging another. An assailant smashes our hero’s nose with a golf club. Nevertheless, despite their lame-brained humor and lackluster car chases, Shepard and Palmer have assembled a first-class, straight-faced cast that contributes a modicum of hilarity to the antics. Bradley Cooper, Tom Arnold, Kristin Chenoweth, Michael Rosenbaum, and David Koechner run circles around our leads. “Hit and Run” amounts to one long, drawn-out, vehicular chase with no memorable stunts. The biggest stunt involves a dune buggy hurtling “Dukes of Hazard” style over several parked cars. Nothing about the driving will turn your knuckles white and make you gasp, but the automobiles look ultra-cool.

“Hit and Run” starts out in a backwater California town named Milton with a community college. Basically, our heroine Annie Bean (Kristen Bell of “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”) learns that she is about to be fired from her job as a community college professor. Happily, Annie’s potty-mouthed boss, Debby (Kristin Chenoweth of “You, Again”), alerts her about an opening at UCLA where she can land her dream job as the head of a conflict-resolution department. The major drawback for our ambitious heroine is when her tattooed boyfriend, Charlie Bronson (Dax Sheppard of “When In Rome”), divulges his participation in Witness Relocation.  Charlie is pretty much condemned to live an eternity in the sleepy little town of Milton because his former partners-in-crime want to track him down and terminate him with extreme prejudice. Eventually, Charlie changes his mind about Witness Protection and pulls the tarp off his jacked-up 1967 Lincoln Continental with suicide doors to chauffeur Annie in style to Los Angeles. Annie’s green-eyed, ex-boyfriend, Gil (Michael Rosenbaum of TV’s “Smallville”), gets wind of Charlie’s real identity and sends a message via Facebook to Charlie’s number one nemesis. As it turns out, and Annie discovers later, Charlie is really Yul Perrkins. Charlie’s father Clint Perrkins (Beau Bridges of “Max Payne”) named him after legendary actor Yul Brynner of “The Magnificent Seven.” Charlie hated the name Yul so much that he changed it to Charles Bronson.  Mind you, Yul wasn’t thinking about  movie superstar Charles Bronson of “Death Wish” fame, but the notorious British inmate Charles Bronson who is known as the most violent man in British prisons. Naturally, Annie is appalled by these revelations. What she really isn’t prepared for the gun-toting trio that come calling on them as they are about to leave for L.A.  Alex Dmitri (Bradley Cooper of “The A-Team” in dreadlocks) hates Charlie because Charlie’s testimony put him behind bars long enough for a Phillipino prisoner to rape him. Now, Alex yearns to kill Charlie as much his accomplices Neve Tatum (Joy Bryant of “Spider-Man 2”) and Allen (Ryan Hansen of “Friday the 13th”). Predictably, our hero has a savior, bungling U.S. Marshal Randy Anderson (Tom Arnold of “Exit Wounds”) who doesn’t know where the brakes are on his car. The people who make FX's "Justified" have used this gag before. Worse, he has to dodge the bullets that his own gun bangs out at him as it bounces around in his car.  The scene with the bowling ball in his smashed up car will make you grin.

“Hit and Run” blends elements of both “True Romance” and “Smokey and the Bandit.” The romance between Annie and Charlie and their flight from the desperate villains recalls the predicament that Clarence and Alabama face in “True Romance.”  Bradley Cooper’s arch villain resembles the Gary Oldman bad guy that Christian Slater tangled with in “True Romance” when he went to fetch Alabama's luggage. Shepard has made it well known in the media how much he loved the Burt Reynolds' comedy "Smokey and the Bandit," and the plot follows it, especially the use of a series of careening car chases. U.S. Marshal Randy is the equivalent of "Smokey." Unfortunately, this sloppy, low-octane, pursuit potboiler conjures up little tension and delivers few thrills.  Meantime, Shepard struggles to capture the spontaneous, off-the-cuff Tarantino dialogue about controversial subject matter. Instead, they wind up sounding nothing less than loquacious. Shepard and Palmer look like they not only shot this 96-minute feature on the shoe-string but also improvised many scenes. They stage their dialogue scenes with the same lack of finesse that they do their automotive maneuvers. You should sit and shun “Hit and Run.”

FILM REVIEW OF ''THE BLOB" (1958)

 "The Blob" (*** OUT OF ****) qualifies as a cult science fiction film not only because it launched 27-year old Steve McQueen on a trajectory to superstardom, but also because it exploited the popular themes of alien invasion and teenage delinquency which were inseparable in 1950s   cinema. Interestingly, nobody in the Kay Linaker and Theodore Simonson screenplay ever refers to the amorphous, scarlet-red protoplasm that plummeted to Earth in a meteor and menaced everybody in the small town of Downingtown Pennsylvania on a Friday night as "The Blob." They refer to it vaguely as the monster. Steve McQueen won the role of Josh Randall, the old West bounty hunter in "Wanted: Dead or Alive," after producer Dick Powell saw this Paramount Pictures' release. Meanwhile, McQueen's attractive girlfriend Aneta Corsaut went on to star opposite Andy Griffith in the hit CBS-TV comedy "The Andy Griffith Show" as Sheriff Taylor's school teacher girlfriend Helen Crump. Of course, neither McQueen nor Corsaut were teenagers, but then rarely did actual teenagers play actual teenagers. Director Irvin S. Yeaworth, Jr., made his directorial debut with "The Blob." Linaker and Simonson's screenplay synthesized four genres: first, the alien invasion; second, teenage delinquency; third, a murder mystery, and fourth; a horror chiller. Moreover, while the gelatinous substance assumes various shapes, it remains largely anonymous. In other words, the eponymous Jell-O neither talks nor communicates through telepathy. Instead, it kills without a qualm and discriminates against nobody. The ill-fated Dr. Hallen summarizes the Blob: "There's a man here with some sort of a parasite on his arm, assimilating his flesh at a frightening speed. I may have to get ahead of it and amputate. No... I don't know what it is or where it came from."The tone of "The Blob" is fairly serious in spite of its somewhat campy nature.

As the filmmakers point out on the Criterion DVD release of "The Blob," the movie opens uncharacteristically for a sci-fi horror thriller with our hero and heroine in a remote rural locale making out and kissing. Jane (Anita Corsaut) and Steve (Steve McQueen) see a large meteor fall to the earth and drive in search of it. Meanwhile, an elderly man with a lantern finds the meteor and pokes it with a stick. The meteor cracks open, and a slimy bunch of goop clings to the stick. When the old timer (Olin Howland of "The Paleface") gets a closer look at it, the goop attaches itself to his hand. The old guy runs screaming from the crater, and Steve nearly hits him with his jalopy. Steve and Jane pick the guy up and take him to see Dr. Hallen in town.

Hallen is poised to leave town for a medical conference when Steve and Jane bring the old guy to his office. Hallen phones his nurse to return since he may need to perform an amputation. Of course, Hallen has never seen anything like the substance on the man's forearm. Hallen sends Steve and Jane to find out what happened. Our heroes run into another group of teenagers that ridicule Steve's fast driving. Steve fools him into a reverse drive race, but the local police chief Dave (Earl Rowe) lets him off the hook. Steve and the teenagers visit the site of the meteor crater and find the warm remains of the meteor. After they visit the old man's house and rescue a dog, the teenagers split for a spooky late night movie while Steve and Jane return to Dr. Hallen's office. During the interim, the blob has entirely absorbed the old geezer, killed Hallen's nurse and attacked the doctor. Neither acid thrown on the protoplasm nor Hallen's shotgun have any effect on the blob. Steve catches a glimpse of the blob absorbing Hallen. When Steve and Jane go to the police department to report the incident, Dave is frankly incredulous, while Sergeant Bert (John Benson) believes that it is a prank. Bert has an axe to grind with teenagers because his wife died when one struck her car.

Steve and Jane take them to Hallen's office, but they can find neither hide nor hair of anybody, but Dave admits that the office has been vandalized. Against Sgt. Bert's advice, Dave turns the teens over to their respective parents. We learn that Jane's father is the High School principal. No sooner have Steve and Jane fooled their folks into believing that they are snugly asleep in bed than they venture out again. Jane's little brother in his pajamas with his stuffed Teddy Bear pleads to join her. Jane emphasizes the he needs to watch over their unsuspecting parents. They drive into town and spot the old man's dog that got away from them in front of a supermarket. When they go to retrieve the mutt, Steve steps in front of the electric eye door of the grocery store and it opens. They find nobody inside, but they encounter the blob. Steve and Jane take refuge in a freezer and the blob doesn't attack them. Later, after they escape, Steve persuades the teenagers that challenged him in a street race to alert the authorities because he is supposed to be home in bed. Police Chief Dave and the fire department arrive at the supermarket. Steve tries to convince Dave that the blob is in the store. About that time, the blob kills the theater projectionist and attacks the moviegoers. Suddenly, a horde of people exit the theater and Dave believes Steve. Steve and Jane wind up at a lunch counter that the blob attacks. The proprietor and our heroes hole up in the cellar and Steve discovers that a fire extinguisher with its freezing contents forces the blob to back off.

The authorities collect every fire extinguisher in town and manage to freeze the blob. The Pentagon sends down a team to transport the blob to the North Pole. As the remains of the blob drift down to the polar ice pack, the end credit appears with a ghostly giant question mark. Producer James B. Harris obtained stock military footage of a Globe master military transport plane depositing the parachute and its cargo.

"The Blob" proved to be a drive-in hit and Steve McQueen's surge to stardom gave the film added momentum. Unless you are a juvenile, this little horror movie isn't scary at all, but Yeaworth and his scenarists create a sufficient amount of paranoia and sympathy for our heroes. They never show the blob actually assimilating its victims and leave this to your imagination, so "The Blob" isn't without a modicum of subtlety.

ONLY THE VALIANT (1951) ***1/2 OUT OF ****

 "Only the Valiant" qualifies as a pretty gritty western. This straightforward U.S. Cavalry versus Apaches saga is a solemn suicide mission with minimal humor. “Them” director Gordon Douglas stages this grim, harrowing, outdoors epic with gusto, and a brawny cast of hard-bitten hellions sweating bullets when they aren’t shooting them surrounds leading man Gregory Peck. Lon Chaney, Jr., Neville Brand, Ward Bond, Jeff Corey, and Steve Brodie constitute some of the cast. Ostensibly, "Colorado Territory" scenarist Edmund H. North and "A Place in the Sun" scribe Harry Brown adapted western filmmaker Charles Marquis Warren's taut novel. Basically, a squad of die-hard cavalrymen receive orders to prevent bloodthirsty Apaches from massacring defenseless white settlers. The chief dramatic complication is these cavalrymen don’t stand a chance in Hades. North and Brown adhere to Warren's novel for the most part. The last-minute revelation--when it seems our heroes are doom—is a corker! This frontier tale drums up a palatable aura of claustrophobia in the latter half of its 105-minute runtime. The stark black & white cinematography of "Going My Way" lenser Lionel Linden endows this adventure with a grim look that enhances its tension. Actor Michael Ansara, who later played the antagonist in "Guns of the Magnificent Seven," is extremely effective in a small role as the hated Apache leader Tucsos.

"Only the Valiant" opens with Army Scout Joe Harmony (Jeff Corey of “True Grit”) providing expository voice-over narration. "This is my stamping ground. I'm a scout for the Army. Had my work cut out for me for a long time. Behind that pass there is the whole 'Pache nation. (There is a map of the territory with the Flinthead Mountains stretching across the screen with a bottleneck pass.) They used to come swarming out of the pass killing everything in sight. Then we built a fort—Fort Invincible. It plugged up the pass, just like a cork in a bottle. Things was fine for a while. But them 'Paches is pretty smart. One day the bottle blew the cork plum apart." We are shown the burning remains of Fort Invincible with a dead man pinned to a stockade wall and a lance sticking out of his belly. Hidebound Captain Richard Lance (Gregory Peck of "12 O’Clock High") and his troopers charge in on horseback and capture Tucsos, and Joe Harmony (Jeff Corey of "True Grit") wants to shoot him on the spot. Harmony points out Tucsos is "the fella that started this whole business." Lance intervenes, "The Army doesn't shoot prisoners, Joe." Predictably, Harmony is aghast. "He's no common injun. He's just as near to a god as a fella can get. If you shoot him now, things will quiet down. Without Tucsos stirring them up, the rest of those Indians will get reasonable, just as fast as they can. You take him in alive, you'll have every 'Pache in the territory coming after him. We have had three years of this, you can stop it now." Just as predictably, Captain Lance refuses to kill Tucsos, and his decision to take the Apache back sets things into action.

Colonel Drum (Herbert Heyes of "Union Station") surprises Lance when he tells him Tucsos should have killed. As it is, they need to get Tucsos to another post. Everybody from the troopers to Joe Harmony know taking Tucsos to Fort Grant is asking him to die. The Apaches are poised like predators in the mountains, and the fort is blatantly under strength. Meantime, Douglas introduces us to Captain Eversham's daughter, Cathy (Barbara Payton of "Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye") and young Lieutenant William Holloway (Gig Young of "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?"). They play a peripheral part in the conflict. Lance and Holloway both want to wed Cathy. Clearly, Cathy prefers Lance. Meantime, Colonel Drum refuses to let Lance escort Tucsos to Fort Grant. Instead, Drum orders Lance to send Holloway in his place, shocking everybody. Lance has never changed an order. Furthermore, Lance saw Cathy and Holloway kissing in public. Everybody thinks Lance has reassigned Holloway out of sheer jealousy. Indeed, one officer observes that rewriting orders is about as sacrilegious as rewriting the Bible. Predictably, Tucsos escapes, and the surviving troopers accompanied by Harmony bring back  Holloway’s mutilated body.

Although Drum anticipates the arrival of a relief column of 400 troopers in ten days, Harmony explains Tucsos will launch an attack before they arrive. Since Tucsos was held captive in the fort, the wily Apache knows about the shortage of manpower. Lance wants to take six or seven men of his choosing to maintain Fort Invincible and thwart Tucsos from assembling a war party. A defile in the mountain pass keeps the Indians from riding through in full strength. Instead, they must pass through one-at-a-time. Lance believes his men can hold Invincible until the relief column shows up. Drum gives him permission, and Lance recruits the worst men. All of them hate him with a passion and crave the chance to kill him.

"Only the Valiant" exemplifies the new breed of military western emerging after World War II. This is not a gung-ho John Ford cavalry western with troopers serenading their commanders. Again, Lance's own men want to kill him. This foreshadows the attitude of troops during the Vietnam War when they fragged their officers. Lance bears the onus of Holloway’s death—except those few privy to the circumstances that prompted the change of orders sending Holloway in charge of the escort. The black & white photography enhances the grim nature of this western. "Only the Valiant" amounts to a last stand western until the last-minute reprieve. Reportedly, Peck hated this movie, but then it is not “The Gunfighter” with its anti-violence message. If anything, "Only the Valiant" lives up to its Warner Brothers origins. Small but significant, it bristles with melodramatic twists and turns and features lots of unsavory characters, virtually a "Dirty Dozen" western.

FILM REVIEW OF "THE EXPENDABLES 2" (2012)

Watching the old-fashioned, larger-than-life, male-bonding epic “The Expendables 2” (**** OUT OF ****) is like enjoying a nostalgic jaunt down memory lane. A gallery of brawny 1980s era, action-hero icons assembles for this testosterone-laden tale that depicts combat on land, sea, and in the air with double-digit body counts. At one point, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis stand shoulder-to-shoulder, armed with automatic weapons, firing fusillades of bullets into wave after wave of pugnacious bad guys.  Joining Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Willis this time out are two more 1980s era action heroes: Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Along with these legendary leading men, newcomers Liam Hemsworth, Scott Adkins, and Nan Yu dodge bullets, too. Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, and Dolph Lundgren reprise their roles as Barney Ross’s tough-as-nails mercenaries. Just as sentimental as the original “Expendables,” “Expendables 2” conjures up ten times more carnage and demolition in its remote Bosnian settings.  Unlike the original, this ambitious sequel gives Schwarzenegger and Willis far more screen time to flesh out their identities.  While the dialogue amounts to amusing one-liners served up over twenty years ago in the advertising campaigns of “The Terminator” and “Die Hard,” the formulaic screenplay penned by Stallone and “16 Blocks” scribe Richard Wenk qualifies as a standard-issue revenge thriller. Essentially, you should prepare yourself for lots of eardrum numbing battle sequences interspersed with soul-searching dialogue scenes among the principals when they aren’t exposing themselves in the line of fire.  Nothing has really changed aside from a fresh, new setting in Albania that appears scenic in its own grungy way. 

“The Expendables 2” erupts with a series of slam-bang action scenes that resemble something “The A-Team” use to pull off every week during its five-year run on NBC.  Barney Ross and his pals show up in a squalid-looking town in Nepal on a ‘do or die’ mission to rescue a Chinese billionaire from some nasty extortionists. They careen into the city in military vehicles designed to smash through barriers of every description. These aggressive-looking trucks have clever names stenciled on them, such as ‘knock-knock’ and ‘bad attitude.’ Mind you, it doesn’t matter that our heroes are hopelessly outnumbered because they devastate the opposition mercilessly with artillery blasts and bursts from .50 caliber machine guns. At one point, Barney (Sylvester Stallone of 1981’s “Nighthawks”) cranks up a motorcycle and wields it like a weapon to bring down a helicopter.  Our heroes evacuate in motor-driven boats but find themselves pursued by trigger-happy soldiers in ‘Everglades’ air-boats armed with mortars. Momentarily detained in the jungle, Barney and Lee Christmas (Jason Statham of 1998’s ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”) recover their seaplane and sweep down out of the sky like the cavalry as the villains are drawing a bead on their comrades.  There is even a revelation or two in all this bullet-riddled mayhem that takes Barney by surprise before they make their getaway.

After a round of beers back home, Barney runs into the dubiously named Mr. Church (Bruce Willis of 1988’s “Die Hard”) who has been waiting for him at the latter’s aircraft hangar.  Church dispatches Barney Ross and his cronies on ‘a walk in the park’ mission to crack a safe in a crashed jetliner. Church surprises Barney when he sends one of his own agents. She can open the mysterious safe without atomizing everybody.  Initially, Barney objects to bringing a woman along on the mission. As it turns out, Maggie Chan (NanYu of “Diamond Dogs”) allays Barney’s anxieties that she won’t be able to fend for herself. Maggie looks extremely lethal in combat against multiple male opponents. Our heroes have no problem locating the wreckage of the jet and a few tense moments ensue after they find the safe. Unfortunately, everything goes awry afterward, when an army of sadistic villains intervenes, demands the contents from the safe, and threatens to execute one of Barney’s unit if they don’t lay down their arms and hand over what they found in the plane crash. Motivated as much by the loss of one from their own ranks, Barney and company set out in furious pursuit of the villains.  An Eastern European crime cartel led by an appropriately named thug Jean Vilain (Jean Claude Van Damme of 1988’s “No Retreat, No Surrender “) has no qualms about killing. The information liberated from the safe contains the whereabouts of five-tons of plutonium abandoned by the Russians in a derelict mine during the Cold War. Vilain and his menacing minions have recruited slave labor from the location population at gunpoint to help them excavate the plutonium.

British director Simon West, who helmed “Con-Air,” “Laura Croft, Tomb Raider,” and “The Mechanic,” rarely allows the pace to slow down in this noisy extravaganza, especially when the heroes and villains are blasting away at each other with murderous glee. West and “xXx: State of the Union” editor Todd E. Miller never unnecessarily linger on a single image.  Some of the editing seems almost subliminal.  Clocking in at a nimble 102 minutes, “The Expendables 2” offers double the action with double the stars. “Lone Wolf McQuade” star Chuck Norris finds himself in the fray and shows that he still possesses the stamina. It is difficult to believe that all these guys, who once battled it out among themselves for box office supremacy, have come together to make such an outlandish but entertaining opus. For the record, Dolph Lundgren’s character, Gunnar, has cleaned up his act from the original and is back with Barney and company. Gunnar still picks on agile, pint-sized Jet Li while Barney and Lee bicker with each other about anything and everything. If you saw “The Expendables,” you know that Lee Christmas had fallen in love with a gal who let her sadistic boyfriend beat up on her.  Lee and Lacy (Charisma Carpentar of TV’s “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) are now a couple. Conspicuously absent from the cast is Mickey Rourke who played the philosophical Tool in the original.  If you loved the original “Expendables,” you’ll love “The Expendables 2.” Rumors are flying that the producers are already casting a third installment in the franchise.

FILM REVIEW OF ''TOTAL RECALL" (2012)

The remake of the vintage Arnold Schwarzenegger sci-fi saga “Total Recall” with Colin Farrell replacing Arnie as the hero isn’t bad. Unfortunately, this atmospheric, above-average, but convoluted British produced extravaganza won’t erase the memory of the original film with its gratuitous violence and abrasive cynicism. “Underworld” director Len Wiseman has made a polished looking picture, but he just doesn’t deliver the goods with the same panache that director Paul Verhoeven served them up back in 1990. Incidentally, I didn’t enjoy “Total Recall” as much as some of the Austrian bodybuilder’s other sci-fi forays, namely “The Terminator” franchise and “Predator.”  Nevertheless, this larger-than-life actioneer boasted riveting action, stunning surprises, slam-bang action with buckets of synthetic blood and layers of latex appliances. The cast spouted the F-word approximately 28 times and uttered it without qualm. Comparatively, Wiseman’s “Total Recall” (**1/2 out of ****) remake shares little in common with its 1990 predecessor in all those respects. The action here is practically plasma-free. The new film’s PG-13 rating tones down most of what made the R-rated original so objectionable. The escalator scene in the first movie where Arnie appropriated the bullet-riddled corpse of an innocent bystander and wielded the cadavar as a shield to absorb a barrage of bullets is conspicuous absent from the new “Total Recall.” Furthermore, Wiseman and scenarists Kurt Wimmer of “Law Abiding Citizen” and Mark Bomback of “Unstoppable” have confined the action entirely to a post apocalyptic planet Earth. Interestingly, Wiseman’s “Total Recall” retains most of the elements of cult author Philip K. Dick’s imaginative short story "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale"  with minor exceptions. The short story concerned a white-collar, accountant hero, while the two films featured a blue-collar protagonist. Although the “Total Recall” remake shuns the Martian setting, it adheres to the template of the original without any extraterrestialaliens. Sadly, the chief villain in the remake seems congenial compared to the original scoundrel who spewed venom. Additionally, while the first movie eliminated Sharon Stone as a supporting villain early in the action, the remake with Kate Beckinsale in Stone’s role not only rewards her with considerably more screen time than Stone but also expands her role.  She becomes the villain’s right hand henchman.

The new “Total Recall” unfolds in the late 21^st century after chemical warfare has devastated planet Earth.  Humans have retreated to the only two remaining places where they can breathe fresh air. What had been the United Kingdom has become the United Federation of Britain.  Meanwhile, Australia has become the Colony. If the cities in the United Federation of Britain bear a passing resemblance to both “Metropolis” and “The Fifth Element,” then the Colony resembles the overcrowded urban landscape of Ridley Scott’s “Blade Runner.” Humanity is quickly running out of places to live.  Chancellor Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston of “John Carter”) seeks to sanction urban renewal. He wants to lead his army of synthetic robots into the Colony and clean it out.  Basically, the Colony is a dreary, rain-drenched, ghetto of a community. Cohaagen is searching for an excuse to storm it. A resistance movement has emerged around a notorious but enigmatic rebel, Matthias (Bill Nighy of “Valkyrie”), who strikes fear in Cohaagen’s heart.  Cohaagen orchestrates terrorists’ attacks on the UFB so he can invade the Colony.  He plans to take advantage of the commuter train which runs between the UFB and the Colony. Essentially, this commuter train looks like a gigantic puck that plunges between the two destinations in fifteen minutes or less. The tunnel bores past the Earth’s core where the train loses gravity briefly before entering the UFB.

Working class stiff Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell of “Minority Report”) lives in the Colony and has been taking the train to work for years. He assembles synthetic storm troopers for Cohaagen’s army in a factory. When he isn’t building better robots, he lives with his gorgeous wife Lori, (dark-haired Kate Beckinsale of “Contraband”), who works as an emergency medical technician. Lately, Quaid has been having bizarre dreams.  He has fantasies that he is fighting alongside a mysterious woman, Melina (Jessica Biel of “Stealth”), in the resistance movement who loves him. One day Quaid decides to relieve the tedium of his meaningless existence. He enters a place known as Rekall that will implant memories which will enrich his life. Rekall is tantamount to a tanning salon except that they inject drugs into their customers so they can experience a number of role-playing scenarios. Quaid wants to fulfill his desire to be a secret agent battling hordes of bad guys. Little does our clueless protagonist suspect he may have been a secret agent.

Make no mistake; the producers have spared no expense to create elaborate settings for this somber, straightforward dystopian thriller.  Although Colin Farrell qualifies as a better actor than Arnold Schwarzenegger, Farrell lacks the iconic charisma of the former California governor. Schwarzenegger amounted to as much a special effect in the first one as all of the elaborate latex appliances that adorned a three-breasted prostitute as well as the mutants. Mind you, Wiseman makes an allusion to the three breasted woman, but he makes no reference to the resistance leader in the original that had a midget attached to his stomach like a bizarre Siamese twin. Instead, the remake pits Farrell against twice as many adversaries as the original. The villain’s army of robotic warriors resembles those in the “Star Wars” prequel trilogy with similar outfits. Although it bristles with careening car chases and close-quarters combat galore in cliffhanger encounters, “Total Recall” rarely provides anything remotely memorable. Wiseman has lost his knack for choreographing nimble action scenes that keep you perched on the edge of your seat. Beckinsale makes a terrific villain, while Farrell and company go through the motions. Somewhere in the “Total Recall” remake lurks a first class movie, but it never reached the screen.

FILM REVIEW OF ''THE GARDEN OF EDEN" (1928)

Lewis Milestone enjoyed a long, prestigious career in Hollywood. He directed over 40 films, from the Oscar-winning Best Picture of 1930 "All Quiet on the Western Front," where he won the Best Director's Oscar, to the maritime Marlon Brando epic "Mutiny on the Bounty" in 1962. Milestone made his share of good World War II movies, principally "Edge of Darkness" and "A Walk in the Sun." Milestone's eleventh outing, the silent, black & white, romantic comedy "The Garden of Eden," is a tale of initiation based on a German play. Clocking in at a minimal 78 minutes, this lightweight but flirtatious "Cinderella" saga about a single girl who discovers Mr. Right generates a lot of laughs. Watching it is like watching a 1980s chick flick as the impressionable heroine finds true love and happiness after enduring some hardship. What most people will find entertaining about this silent movie is its modern sensibility. Is Madame Bauer a bisexual? Milestone proves above everything else that he had a nimble touch when it came to comedies. Of course, bona fide film geeks will appreciate the fact that William Cameron Menzies served as art director on this amusing piece of fluff. Menzies won an Oscar for "Gone with the Wind." The Academy recognized him for his "outstanding achievement in the use of color for the enhancement of dramatic mood in the production of Gone with the Wind." Interestingly, the year before "The Garden of Eden" came out, Menzies received his first Oscar for Best Art Direction for "The Dove" (1927) and the same year that "The Garden of Eden" (**** OUT OF ****) went into release, he received his second Oscar for "Tempest."

A headstrong but naïve young woman, Toni LeBrun (Corinne Griffith), decides to pursue a career as an opera singer. Before she can realize her dream, she has to abandon the pretzel making business at the Viennese bakery where she works with her aunt and uncle and leave town. Clearly, Toni cannot discuss this career decision with her relatives because she has to sneak out of their house and catch a late train for Budapest. "The Garden of Eden" depicts what happens when this optimistic, misguided girl from the country arrives alone in the big city, and goes to a metropolitan night club, the Palais de Paris, to audition for a role. Instead, Toni finds herself having to hoist her dress so that the business savvy manager, Madame Bauer (a masculine-looking Maude George of "The Marriage Bubble"), can gaze at them. "Good! I'm sure you'll be a great success as an opera singer," Bauer observes with more than a little irony. Bauer slips the cabaret seamstress, Rosa (Louise Dresser of "Salomy Jane"), a hand written message to put Toni in the 'Seemore' outfit. When the curtains rise at the Palais de Paris, Toni is stomping around backstage having a temper tantrum because of the modest costume that she has to wear. She refuses to wear it and Madame Bauer arrives in time to hear Toni's complaints. Bauer steps forward and reprimands Rosa for giving Toni such a revealing dress. Rosa reminds Bauer that she told her specifically to prepare the Seemore dress for Toni. Bauer approves a new dress, the Puritan costume, and Toni has no qualms about wearing this conservative apparel. Although it hasn't sunk into her head yet, Toni doesn't seem to realize that the Palais is a gentleman's club, and Madame Bauer is nothing less than a female pimp. One of Bauer's wealthy customers, Henri D'Avril (Lowell Sherman of "Satan in Sables"), wants to have a drink with Toni, and Bauer provides a private room for them. Rosa watches as a cabaret waiter locks Toni and Henri in the room. Eventually, after she drinks a couple of glasses of liquor, Toni freaks out and the lights go out. Rosa is frantic about this arrangement and pulls out her key to unlock the door. When the lights come on again in the private room, Henri finds himself kissing Rosa instead of Toni. Madame Bauer fires both Toni and Rosa on the spot. Rosa's response is to embark on her annual vacation where she lives like royalty at the Hotel Eden in Monte Carlo, and she drags Toni along with her. At the hotel, she signs register as Baron her in as her daughter Antoinette.

As they settle into their luxurious hotel room, Toni limbers her fingers up on a piano. She plays music that attracts the attention of a young man, Richard Dupont (Charles Ray of "Alias Julius Caesar") and he manages to get her attention. The remainder of this introduction scene and the bedroom scene later are two of the best scenes in "The Garden of Eden." The first one involves a system of signaling each other that they discover quite by accident. In other words, they flick the lights on and off in rapid succession. Before long everybody else in the hotel mimics them, much to Rosa's chagrin. Richard calls Toni on the phone, but winds up talking with Rosa. He wants to visit Toni in person and Rosa plans to surprise him, not unlike she did Henri at the Palais de Paris. Richard opens the wrong door and sees Toni at another door facing the room where Rosa is playing the piano. This entire scene is a masterpiece of blocking. Richard winds up stuck behind a door when Rosa undresses and then he cannot leave because uncle shows up to romance the ladies. At the last moment, he appears and ends up going to eat with them. The repetitive way that Richard has to dodge back and forth behind the door is hilarious. A scene almost as funny occurs not long afterward when Toni and Richard take a sleeping powder and struggle to stay awake. Eventually, Richard persuades Toni to marry him, but problems occur when Henri D'Avril shows up for Richard's wedding and exposes Toni for who she really is.

"The Garden of Eden" is fantastic!