Jennifer Lopez isn’t a bad actress, but she is so miscast so
miserably as a high school English teacher in “The Boy Next Door” (* OUT OF
****) that not even a seasoned Hollywood helmer like Rob Cohen can salvage this
substandard stalker saga. Although he has directed hits like “The Fast
and the Furious” and “xXx” as well as above-average epics like “Daylight,”
“Stealth,” and “Alex Cross,” Cohen appears appallingly out of his element with
this formulaic fiasco. Not only does the tawdry “The Boy Next Door” miscast
Lopez, but also it makes Ryan Guzman, John Corbett, and Hill Harper look just
as inapt. Whatever Lopez and the other twelve producers on this picture
admired about rookie writer Barbara Curry’s screenplay must have been either
altered or didn’t survive the final cut. Although she received an MFA in
scriptwriting from UCLA, Curry should have kept her old day job. She
spent ten years as an Assistant U.S. Attorney in Los Angeles where she toiled
in the Major Violent Crimes Unit and handled federal cases involving
murder-for-hire, prison murder, racketeering, arson, kidnapping, and bank
robbery. Reportedly, Curry taught criminal procedure at FBI Headquarters
in Quantico, Virginia, and pushed for trial advocacy at the U.S Justice
Department in Washington, D.C. In time perhaps, Curry might brush up on
her storytelling skills and become a better writer. “The Boy Next
Door” is neither suspenseful nor surprising, unless you’ve never seen a single
stalker movie. Quite often, our sexy heroine, her oblivious colleagues,
and her unsuspecting kin do some really stupid moves that make this movie
appear more like a comedy than a drama. The best thing about this
predictable pabulum is that it clocks in at a minimal 91 minutes.
Meanwhile, “The Boy Next Door” has sold enough tickets to qualify as a
“hit.” Produced for a paltry $ 4 million, this mediocre crime melodrama
has coined more than $20 million at the box office box, an amount sufficient to
pay off its budget as well as its advertising.
Lopez plays English teacher Claire Peterson who teaches classic
literature, specifically “The Odyssey” and “The Iliad,” at a California state
public high school. Our heroine looks far too incendiary for her own
good. Mind you, I’m not saying high school English teachers cannot look
stunning, but Lopez strains credibility with some of her wardrobe. As the
action unfolds, Claire has separated from her philandering husband, Garrett
Peterson (John Corbett of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”), who careens around in
muscle cars and had an affair with his secretary. Since you never get a
glimpse of the other gal, you have to wonder how she compared with
Claire. Presumably, Garrett was probably taking advantage of his lowly
employee because she was younger than Claire. Meantime, Claire’s teenage
son, Kevin (Ian Nelson of “The Hunger Games”), suffers from asthma and
allergies when bullies aren’t badgering him. The senior citizen next door
to Claire (Jack Wallace of “Boogie Nights”) has just taken in his handsome, but
orphaned, 19-year nephew, Noah Sandborn (an improbable 27-year old Ryan Guzman
of “Step Up Revolution”), whose own dad died in a mysterious car crash.
Hint, hint! Claire encounters this charming Abercrombie & Fitch
pin-up boy while she is wrestling with a cranky garage door. One weekend,
while Garrett and Kevin are away on a fishing trip, Claire accompanies her best
friend and colleague, High School Vice Principal Vicky Lansing (Kristin
Chenoweth of “Strange Magic”), on a blind date from Hell. The
well-meaning Vicky has set Claire up with a gruff anti-intellectual guy.
After she walks out on this loser, our distressed heroine finds herself face to
face with charismatic Noah. During a vulnerable moment, Claire abandons
her morals as easily as Noah disposes of her lingerie. Lopez displays
little more than her shapely thighs while Guzman keeps her breasts discreetly
covered with his groping paws. The morning after when he awakens her with
orange juice and coffee, Noah cannot imagine why Claire would be racked with
recriminations. Complicating matters even more, Noah is a transfer
student who has enrolled in classes at the same high school where Claire
teaches. Lusting after her, Noah decides to pursue Claire, but she
rebuffs his advances. Eventually, Noah turns psychotic. Initially,
he hacks into Claire’s e-mail account and obtains permission from Principal
Edward Warren (Hill Harper of CBS-TV’s “CSI: New York”) to enroll in her class
with her apparent approval. Similarly, Noah befriends Kevin, teaches him
how to box, and tries to turn him against Garrett who wants desperately to
patch up his marriage with Claire. In a burst of rage, Noah pulverizes
one of Kevin’s bullies, and Vicky expels Noah. Meantime, Vicky uncovers
some disturbing information about Noah, and she finds herself on the wrong end
of his rage. Ultimately, Noah horrifies Claire with news that he made a
video of their sex act and threatens to expose her! At this point, you’re
liable to laugh your head hysterically off rather than gnaw your fingernails in
dread.
Comparatively, “The Boy Next Door” reminded me of “Fatal
Attraction,” “Single White Female,” “The Hand That Rocks the Cradle,”
“Swimfan,” and “Basic Instinct.” In a “Cosmopolitan” magazine interview,
Curry said she drew inspiration from a real-life incident involving a high
school teacher who had seduced one of her underage students. Sadly, the
relationship between Claire and Noah, especially their voyeur episodes, is so
outrageous that you cannot take the drama seriously. Cohen claims he
wanted to craft the ultimate erotic thriller along the lines of those
previously mentioned movies, but he embroiders clichés. Some of the
action scenes, particularly a runaway car episode, provide only a momentary
relief from the Harlequin-like soap opera shenanigans. Cohen generates a
modicum of suspense in the tradition of “Rear Window” when Claire searches
Noah’s man cave for the sex video. Most of the time, however, you’ll felt
insulted by the idiotic antics of these clueless cretins. “The Boy Next
Door” isn’t a third as exciting as last year’s “No Good Deed.”
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