FILM REVIEW OF ''BAD SANTA 2" (2016)

If you thought “Bad Santa” (2003) was a hoot, you’ll holler at “Bad Santa 2.”  Like its vulgar, politically-incorrect predecessor, this rude, crude, lowest common denominator, gross-out sequel scrapes the bottom of the toilet for bowel humor that may make you gag.  Oscar-winning Billy Bob Thornton of “Sling Blade” reprises his role as lascivious, blasphemous, alcoholic, safecracker Willy Soke, who masquerades as Santa Claus and listens to children’s gift requests on his lap.  Nevertheless, despite its contrived, often predictable, by-the-numbers monkeyshines, “Bad Santa 2” (**** OUT OF ****) is an audaciously sidesplitting saga, with corrosive dialogue that may either incinerate your soul or prompt you to laugh with such vigor that you will cough at the same time.  After a thirteen-year hiatus, not only has Thornton shown up for the sequel, but also teensy Tony Cox and chubby Brent Kelly have also returned respectively as Marcus and Thurman.  Lest we forget, Oscar-winner Octavia Spencer of “The Help” appears briefly again as Opal the prostitute from the original. The latest character to wade into this cesspool of hilarity is Willy’s low-class, repugnant mother.  Kathy Bates never stops surprising us as Sunny Soke, a sleazy, silver-tongued, ex-con wreathed with biker tattoos who wants to steal thousands of dollars.  Sadly, Sunny has grown so decrepit she cannot control her Parkinson’s and requires somebody with steady fingers to crack a safe.  Bates could easily have stolen “Bad Santa 2” with her outlandish portrayal.  Instead, Brent Kelly steals the show as simple-minded moron Thurman Merman who keeps on obliviously weathering Willy’s vile torrents of profanity about his shortcomings.  Miraculously, Kelly maintains a look of deadpan stupefaction throughout these rants that would have reduced a less disciplined actor to ripples of belly laughter.  Indeed, “Mean Girls” director Mark Waters and freshman scenarist Johnny Rosenthal with “Whip It” writer Shauna Cross spurn good taste repeatedly.

“Bad Santa 2” opens with Willy (Billy Bob Thornton of “Fargo”) admitting that his life has been a travesty.  He never succeeds for one reason or another with his suicide attempts.  He is dangling from a ceiling lighting fixture when Thurman, the grown-up kid from the original movie (Brett Kelly of “Unaccompanied Minors”), strolls into his apartment and cannot fathom what Willy is doing.  Eventually, Willy abandons all efforts to hang himself, chiefly after Thurman empties a bag of money onto his table.  As it turns out Willy’s treacherous, accomplice from the first film, the vertically-challenged Marcus Skidmore (Tony Cox of “Beetlejuice”), has invited Willy to join him at a local restaurant so they can discuss business.  Of course, Willy doesn’t trust Markus because the latter tried to murder him in the original.  Marcus hasn’t been out of prison long, and he needs the money.  He explains that Willy’s mom has a plan to rob a high-profile, Chicago-headquartered charity that will bulge their pockets with loot.  Eventually, Willy meets his estranged mother, Sunny (Kathy Bates of “Misery”), again.  She briefs him about the heist.  You’d think any reunion between mother and son would be a joyous, sentimental occasion, but it is far from it.  Willy has no fond memories of his mom.  We learn during one of their conversations that Willy took a fall for her at age eleven and did time for Sunny’s crime.  She confirms in her own words what an unfit mom she was.  Sunny cherishes the memory of Willy’s birth: “Hell, I didn’t even know I’d given birth until I’d tripped over him.”  Willy sidesteps old animosities and pitches in with them to rip off the children’s charity.  As it turns out, a well-to-do married couple who are for all practical purposes estranged conduct the charity.  The charity resembles the Salvation Army.  Diane Hastings (Christina Hendricks of “Drive”) and her husband Regent (Ryan Hansen of “G.I. Joe: Retaliation”) make it easy to contribute to the cause.  You can text your donation to it!  What Diane doesn’t realize is Regent is cheating on her with another employee.  Initially, Willy is not pleased that he must don a Santa Claus suit and solicit donations on the street.  At one point, he clashes with another Santa who claims that Willy has stolen his spot.  The two tangle on the curb, and Willy lands in jail.  Diane has the police release him and she allows Willy to keep his Santa gig if he will accompany her to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  Reluctantly, for the sake of Sunny and Marcus, Willy follows her, and the two become sexually involved with each other.  Meantime, Willy doesn’t entirely trust his murderous, old nemesis Marcus.  Remember, Marcus tried to kill Willy in the original “Bad Santa.”  Sunny convinces Willy to let bygones be bygones.  If things weren’t tense enough for Willy, he discovers that Thurman has embarked on a journey to search for and surprise him.  Now, Willy must contend with this clueless klutz who wants nothing more than to make him sandwiches. He arranges for Thurman to lose his virginity to Olivia. Before she can accommodate him, Thurman flees in abject terror.

Basically, “Bad Santa 2” regurgitates the same essential plot of the original, but it delivers greater volumes of profanity and sexuality than the former.  The F-word is used 180 times here rather than 130 in the original.  Meaning, the raunchy “Bad Santa 2” lives up to its R-rating “for crude sexual content and language throughout, and some graphic nudity.”  Waters and his two writers have exercised such an extreme lack of good taste that “Bad Santa 2” qualifies as a guilty pleasure. Incidentally, the filmmakers do refrain from depicting murder this time around. You may cringe in retrospect that you sank to such shallow depths of the sake of rib tickling glee.  Some of Sunny’s lines will keep you to cackling. If you indulge in this nonsense, your demented soul will crave the prank in the end credits. Unlike any other movies showing now, “Bad Santa 2” may provide you with some desperate relief from all the Yuletide cheer.

A FILM REVIEW OF ''FIFTY SHADES OF GREY" (2015)

Despite its unsavory sadomasochistic subject matter, this cinematic adaptation of author E.L. James’ erotic bestseller “Fifty Shades of Grey” (** OUT OF ***) qualifies as puritanical.  I can say this because I managed to get through ten chapters of the book before I saw the Universal Pictures release.  “Nowhere Boy” director Sam Taylor-Johnston and “Saving Mr. Banks” scenarist Kelly Marcel have sanitized James’ novel and turned it into an antiseptic, “Cinderella” style fairy tale about an affluent Prince Charming and a bookworm of an English Lit major.  Not that it matters, director Sam Taylor-Johnston is a woman rather than a man.  Johnston and Marcel have forged a film that features simulated sex scenes without steam and cardboard characters without souls.  Mind you, “Fifty Shades of Grey” isn’t as abysmal as the amateurish “Addicted.”  Johnston stages several sex scenes where actress Dakota Johnson bares only her breasts, while actor Jamie Dornan displays little more than his carefully sculpted abs and buttocks.  Ladies hoping for a glimpse of male genitalia are going to be sorely frustrated because “Fifty Shades” is R-rated rather than NC-17, like both “Shame” (2011) and “The Lover” (1992) where full frontal nudity was conspicuous.  Comparatively speaking, little if anything risqué occurs until the concluding scene.  You won’t see anything like the candle dripping sex in the Madonna movie “Body of Evidence” (1993); the kitchen sink sex between Michael Douglas and Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction,” or the infamous “Last Tango in Paris” where Marlon Brando improvised on Maria Schneider with a blob of butter.  Subsequent adaptations of James’ two novels may pass up on the prudish approach after Universal studio executives have analyzed audience tolerance.  Altogether, this soft-porn entry in the trilogy shouldn’t hoist anybody’s eyebrows.

Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnston of “The Five Year Engagement”) is a shy, virginal, doe-eyed brunette who majors in English Lit at Washington State University and works at a hardware store.  She shares an apartment with her best friend, blond-haired Kate Kavanagh (Eloise Mumford of “In the Blood”), who serves as the campus newspaper editor.  As the action unfolds, woebegone, pajama-clad Kate is wrestling with a cold.  Kate persuades Anastasia to pinch hit for her on a newspaper assignment.  She sends her out to interview bachelor billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan of “Marie Antoinette”) who rules a colossal corporate empire.  Basically, Christian is the Bruce Wayne of hanky-spanky.  An orphan who survived the death of his crack-addict mom, Christian has amassed a fortune, but he harbors a deep, dark secret.  When she enters ‘The House of Grey,’ Anastasia knows little about him.  Anxious about her assignment, Anastasia makes a klutz of herself when she enters Grey’s office.  No sooner has she crossed the threshold than she stumbles and crumples to her hands and knees.  Realizing she hasn’t made the best impression, Anastasia recovers her confidence and begins the interview.  Initially, Christian adopts an icy attitude toward her, but he thaws out once they start talking.  Christian finds the way Anastasia chews her lip so irrestible that he cancels his next appointment.  Some of Kate’s questions shock Anastasia, particularly when she quizzes the tycoon about his sexual orientation.  A life-long bachelor who has never been photographed in public with a woman, Christian explains that he has little use for conventional romances with hearts and flowers.  A relieved Anastasia leaves Christian behind in his phallic monolith of a building and cruises home.  As it turns out, Anastasia is just as captivated with Christian as the latter is with her.  Later, they go on a date, and eventually he deflowers her.  He wants Anastasia to join him in a sexual liaison as a ‘submissive’ to his ‘dominant.’  Christian and she negotiate terms of a contract.  For example, the open-minded Anastasia has no problems with being tied up and titillated with a peacock feather, but she draws the line at vaginal fisting and genital clamps.  Meantime, Christian does everything he can to corrupt Anastasia, buying her a Mac notebook and replacing her classic Volkswagen Beetle with a shiny red Audi.  Ultimately, Christian convinces our heroine to let him show her how bondage can be enjoyable.  Nevertheless, Anastasia isn’t as gullible as she seems.  At fade-out, she gains the upper hand in their bizarre relationship.

The casting in “Fifty Shades of Grey” creates half of its problems.  Dakota Johnson makes an ideal Anastasia.  She gives a believable performance as a naïve college student who has just graduated and treasures the kind classic 19^th century British fiction that Thomas Hardy wrote.  The Austin, Texas, born actress seems wholly comfortable with her casual on-screen nudity, and it is interesting to note that “Miami Vice’s” Don Johnson is her dad and Melanie Griffith of “Something Wild” is her mom.  Dakota isn’t as goofy as her literary counterpart Anastasia.  Sadly, lean, handsome Jamie Dornan doesn’t cut the mustard.  He doesn’t behave like a ruthless cutthroat who owns a billion dollar corporation, and his performance is considerably less spontaneous.  Although he wears his apparel well and delivers his dialogue with crisp precision, Dornan looks more like a callow amateur.  In all fairness to Dornan, he impersonates a character that doesn’t seem remotely believable, and his lack of personality underlines his lightweight performance.  The other big problem is the film seems as impersonal as a bargain basement torture rack.  Basically, Johnston and Marcel have designed it as a bondage primer that cautiously advances from one elaborate interlude to another without drumming up any melodrama.  Primarily, the filmmakers rely more on winks rather than winces as our heroine navigates the dire straits of Christian’s sexual calisthenics.  Keep in mind, Anastasia doesn’t say no until she knows better.  Gradually, Christian peels back the layers of his paranoia, revealing himself as an onion that initiates our heroine’s tears and fears.  When director Sam Johnston shifts the focus from the game of sexual chess between Anastasia and Christian, the film sacrifices suspense.  Undeniably, “Fifty Shades of Grey” will keep your eyes wide open, but it dwells more on tease instead of sleaze.

FILM REVIEW OF ''THE BOY NEXT DOOR" (2015)

Jennifer Lopez isn’t a bad actress, but she is so miscast so miserably as a high school English teacher in “The Boy Next Door” (* OUT OF ****) that not even a seasoned Hollywood helmer like Rob Cohen can salvage this substandard stalker saga.  Although he has directed hits like “The Fast and the Furious” and “xXx” as well as above-average epics like “Daylight,” “Stealth,” and “Alex Cross,” Cohen appears appallingly out of his element with this formulaic fiasco.  Not only does the tawdry “The Boy Next Door” miscast Lopez, but also it makes Ryan Guzman, John Corbett, and Hill Harper look just as inapt.  Whatever Lopez and the other twelve producers on this picture admired about rookie writer Barbara Curry’s screenplay must have been either altered or didn’t survive the final cut.  Although she received an MFA in scriptwriting from UCLA, Curry should have kept her old day job.  She spent ten years as an Assistant U.S. Attorney in Los Angeles where she toiled in the Major Violent Crimes Unit and handled federal cases involving murder-for-hire, prison murder, racketeering, arson, kidnapping, and bank robbery.  Reportedly, Curry taught criminal procedure at FBI Headquarters in Quantico, Virginia, and pushed for trial advocacy at the U.S Justice Department in Washington, D.C.  In time perhaps, Curry might brush up on her storytelling skills and become a  better writer.  “The Boy Next Door” is neither suspenseful nor surprising, unless you’ve never seen a single stalker movie.  Quite often, our sexy heroine, her oblivious colleagues, and her unsuspecting kin do some really stupid moves that make this movie appear more like a comedy than a drama.  The best thing about this predictable pabulum is that it clocks in at a minimal 91 minutes.  Meanwhile, “The Boy Next Door” has sold enough tickets to qualify as a “hit.”  Produced for a paltry $ 4 million, this mediocre crime melodrama has coined more than $20 million at the box office box, an amount sufficient to pay off its budget as well as its advertising.

Lopez plays English teacher Claire Peterson who teaches classic literature, specifically “The Odyssey” and “The Iliad,” at a California state public high school.  Our heroine looks far too incendiary for her own good.  Mind you, I’m not saying high school English teachers cannot look stunning, but Lopez strains credibility with some of her wardrobe.  As the action unfolds, Claire has separated from her philandering husband, Garrett Peterson (John Corbett of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”), who careens around in muscle cars and had an affair with his secretary.  Since you never get a glimpse of the other gal, you have to wonder how she compared with Claire.  Presumably, Garrett was probably taking advantage of his lowly employee because she was younger than Claire.  Meantime, Claire’s teenage son, Kevin (Ian Nelson of “The Hunger Games”), suffers from asthma and allergies when bullies aren’t badgering him.  The senior citizen next door to Claire (Jack Wallace of “Boogie Nights”) has just taken in his handsome, but orphaned, 19-year nephew, Noah Sandborn (an improbable 27-year old Ryan Guzman of “Step Up Revolution”), whose own dad died in a mysterious car crash.  Hint, hint! Claire encounters this charming Abercrombie & Fitch pin-up boy while she is wrestling with a cranky garage door.  One weekend, while Garrett and Kevin are away on a fishing trip, Claire accompanies her best friend and colleague, High School Vice Principal Vicky Lansing (Kristin Chenoweth of “Strange Magic”), on a blind date from Hell.  The well-meaning Vicky has set Claire up with a gruff anti-intellectual guy.  After she walks out on this loser, our distressed heroine finds herself face to face with charismatic Noah.  During a vulnerable moment, Claire abandons her morals as easily as Noah disposes of her lingerie.  Lopez displays little more than her shapely thighs while Guzman keeps her breasts discreetly covered with his groping paws.  The morning after when he awakens her with orange juice and coffee, Noah cannot imagine why Claire would be racked with recriminations.  Complicating matters even more, Noah is a transfer student who has enrolled in classes at the same high school where Claire teaches.  Lusting after her, Noah decides to pursue Claire, but she rebuffs his advances.  Eventually, Noah turns psychotic.  Initially, he hacks into Claire’s e-mail account and obtains permission from Principal Edward Warren (Hill Harper of CBS-TV’s “CSI: New York”) to enroll in her class with her apparent approval.  Similarly, Noah befriends Kevin, teaches him how to box, and tries to turn him against Garrett who wants desperately to patch up his marriage with Claire.  In a burst of rage, Noah pulverizes one of Kevin’s bullies, and Vicky expels Noah.  Meantime, Vicky uncovers some disturbing information about Noah, and she finds herself on the wrong end of his rage.  Ultimately, Noah horrifies Claire with news that he made a video of their sex act and threatens to expose her!  At this point, you’re liable to laugh your head hysterically off rather than gnaw your fingernails in dread.

Comparatively, “The Boy Next Door” reminded me of “Fatal Attraction,” “Single White Female,” “The Hand That Rocks the Cradle,” “Swimfan,” and “Basic Instinct.”  In a “Cosmopolitan” magazine interview, Curry said she drew inspiration from a real-life incident involving a high school teacher who had seduced one of her underage students.  Sadly, the relationship between Claire and Noah, especially their voyeur episodes, is so outrageous that you cannot take the drama seriously.  Cohen claims he wanted to craft the ultimate erotic thriller along the lines of those previously mentioned movies, but he embroiders clichés.  Some of the action scenes, particularly a runaway car episode, provide only a momentary relief from the Harlequin-like soap opera shenanigans.  Cohen generates a modicum of suspense in the tradition of “Rear Window” when Claire searches Noah’s man cave for the sex video.  Most of the time, however, you’ll felt insulted by the idiotic antics of these clueless cretins.  “The Boy Next Door” isn’t a third as exciting as last year’s “No Good Deed.”

FILM REVIEW OF ''TED'' (2012)

The crude but clever Mark Wahlberg comedy “Ted” (*** out of ****) resembles something you’d expect from Adam Sandler. Cretinous heroes, gross out humor, wanton drug abuse, and offensive profanity constitute the primary elements of this witty satire. Indeed, this far-fetched, off-beat, politically incorrect farce is the last thing you would expect from a mainstream actor who specializes in straightforward action thrillers. While it doesn’t qualify as the kind of movie Wahlberg typically makes, “Ted” is precisely what you might expect from cheeky “Family Guy” creator Sean MacFarlane who penned the outrageous script with “Family Guy” co-scribes Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild. This amusing but brazen, 115-minute nonsense veers from bromance to romance with our hero caught between his pot-smoking, potty-mouthed teddy bear and his drop-dead gorgeous brunette girlfriend. Aside from its impudent title character, “Ted” doesn’t look like a run-of-the-mill summer movie with its $50-million budget about a walking, talking teddy who delivers the best lines. Not only do Wahlberg and Mila Kunis hold their own against the cuddly CGI hero, but also this unusual threesome generates tangible charisma. Wahlberg and Kunis make their relationship with the eponymous character appear believable even though we know they were not interacting spontaneously with Ted as they do in the finished film. Moreover, MacFarlane and his writers keep things breezing along in this contentious relationship that generates suspense about whether our hero and heroine will survive as a couple. One thing is unmistakable; “Ted” has nothing comparable to compete with in the genre of supernatural characters. The closest thing to “Ted” might be the extraterrestrial comedy “Paul” about an E.T. type alien who lands on Earth and befriends two British tourists in the American Southwest. Some critics have compared “Ted” to the Mel Gibson movie “The Beaver,” about a depressed, suicidal fellow who wears the puppet of a beaver on one arm and becomes its pawn.

 Basically, Wahlberg plays a physically grown-up but mentally immature adult who has put his life on hold to raise hell with his party-animal teddy bear. What sets “Ted” apart from other comedies is the unconditional love that a 35-year old loser shares with his childhood plush toy. Our hero leads a sheltered life as a youth in a town just outside of Boston. The neighborhood kids refused to play with John Bennett. When eight-year old John interrupts several kids in the middle of beating up a Jewish boy, all of them—including the victimized Jewish child—send him packing without a qualm. Since he had no friends, John makes a wish on Christmas Eve in 1985 that his teddy would be his best friend. Little does John know that when he made his wish that a falling star plunged from the night skies. Miraculously, John’s wish is granted, and the teddy bear talks to him the next morning. Overnight Ted turns into a national media sensation. At one point, he appears as a guest on the Johnny Carson late night talk show. Ted enjoys his fifteen minutes of fame before he resumes living life as usual with John. Eventually, John has reaches a turning point with his long suffering girlfriend, Lori Collins (Mila Kunis of “The Book of Eli”) who urges John to kick Ted out so they can have a life alone. Evicting Ted proves to be  virtually impossible for our hero. Surprisingly, Ted makes the transition from staying with John to landing a job in a supermarket as a check-out clerk and getting an apartment of his own. Nevertheless, although he has given Ted the boot, poor John cannot resist Ted’s invitation to visit him daily. Everything isn’t fun and games for Ted and company when a creepy admirer, Donnie (Giovanni Ribisi of “Contraband”) and his weird son Robert (Aedin Mincks of “Faster”) show up and try to buy him for John. These two characters are obnoxious and their appearance ushers in a grim and unsavory air of reality to the action.

Rookie writer and director Seth MacFarlane has forged the funniest cinematic character in a long time with the wise-cracking, title character. Ted looks cute, but he is rude, crude, and lewd. He curses like a sailor, smokes a bong like a chimney, and likes to date prostitutes. “Ted” qualifies as an unforgettably funny, live-action/CG-animated comedy. Happily, the “Ted” character is seamlessly integrated into the action, and his shenanigans are consistently hilarious. Whether he is driving his best friend to work with extensions so his short legs can reach the brake and the gas pedals or performing T.J. Hooker leaps from the rear of a station wagon to the hood of our heroine’s car, Ted looks as life-like as a CGI character can. The motel room fistfight that he has with John where he pummels him into submission and his amorous stockroom assignation with a sexy cashier emphasizes Ted’s rowdy as well as randy antics.

While teddy bears have been fodder for children’s movies over the years, “Ted” is nothing like “Winnie the Pooh.” When MacFarlane isn’t having fun with Ted and company, he appropriates a cult science fiction film and integrates it as an essential element of this whacky fantasy. Ted and John grew up watching the movie “Flash Gordon” (1980) with Sam J. Jones and have enshrined it. However, MacFarlane isn’t content merely to insert excerpts from the film. Since both Ted and John worship Sam J. Jones, the “Flash Gordon” star winds up making a cameo for two rip-roaring scenes. MacFarlane borrows a mocking scene or two from the spoof masterpiece “Airplane” when our hero meets the heroine on the dance floor of a 2008 disco and mimics the movements of John Travolta’s “Saturday Night Fever” romance. Patrick Warburton of the “Rules of Engagement” television series and “Green Lantern” lead Ryan Reynolds have a scene where they play two gay guys who kiss. 

“Ted” is never tedious.