FILM REVIEW OF ''THE LAST WITCH HUNTER" (2015)

“The Last Witch Hunter” (* OUT OF ****) casts spells that are far from inspired and mediocre at best.  “Dungeons & Dragons” aficionado Vin Diesel toplines this ponderous, PG-13 rated pabulum as an 800-year old protagonist who struggles with the help of the Catholic Church to preserve a precarious peace between witches and mankind.  Not only does Diesel appear incredibly miscast as an immortal “Highlander” type medieval warrior careening around contemporary New York City in a sports car, but also this witchy washy yarn doesn’t surpass superior witchcraft fantasies such as “Snow White and The Huntsman” (2012) and “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” (2013).  The chief problem with this lavishly-produced, CGI-laden extravaganza is that it takes itself far too seriously.  Apart from its dire shortage of humor, this dreary potboiler suffers from a dearth of quotable dialogue, banal adversaries, and second-rate supporting characters.  Gifted thespians like Oscar-winner Michael Caine and Elijah Wood shrivel in lackluster roles as our hero’s sidekicks who are designated as ‘Dolans.’  “Sahara” director Breck Eisner and three scenarists, Cory Goodman of “Priest” along with Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless of “Dracula Untold,” have conjured up a synthetic storyline that generates neither charisma nor spectacle.  Actually, they appear to have imitated the sensational Wesley Snipes’ vampire saga “Blade” right down to its rebirth of an ancient blood demon.  Similarly, “The Last Witch Hunter” should have bristled with non-stop momentum, violently outlandish combat sequences, and a coherently contrived mythology.  Instead, it degenerates into a dreary mumbo-jumbo melodrama.  The most ambitious CGI scene pits our hero against a clumsy beast known as ‘the Sentinel,’ and he destroys behemoth with a sword as if he were a bullfighter straddling it.  This unruly creature resembles a huge tiger that appears as it if were assembled from wicker and features a jet engine afterburner for its gullet.  Our hero’s chief adversary is a hideous Witch Queen swarming with creepy crawlies who looks like she has spent too many centuries in a mud bath.  Moreover, she boasts none of the imaginative flamboyance of Charlize Theron’s enchantress in “Snow White and the Huntsman.” 

“The Last Witch Hunter” unfolds during the chilly Middle Ages.  A group of stalwart souls armed with swords trudge through snow-swept, mountainous terrain to storm an eerie cluster of haunted trees.  A despicable looking dame known as the Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht of the TV mini-series “The Strain”) inhabits this stronghold raging with fire and brimstone.  Predictably, she isn’t glad to see these bearded gate-crashers with their religious iconography.  This homicidal hag with her hatred for mankind has already decimated humanity with a black plague and incurred our hero’s wrath.  The Witch Queen’s pestilence exterminated our hero’s wife and daughter, and his happier times with them are recounted in several flashbacks.  When Kaulder (Vin Diesel with dwarfish dreadlocks) and the Witch Queen tangle, our fearless witch hunter skewers her with his flaming sword and finishes her off.  Ironically, Kaulder survives this trial by combat, but his survival becomes a tribulation.  “I curse you,” howls the wounded witch.  “You’ll never know peace. You will never die.”

 

Afterward, “The Last Witch Hunter” shifts its setting from the 13^th century to the 21st century.  Our brawny, shaven-headed hero with neither dwarfish facial fuzz nor noggin fur prowls a passenger jet as it encounters foul weather.  Actually, an ignorant young witch has smuggled a dangerous collection of runes aboard the aircraft, and she is to blame for the increment weather.  Naturally, our erudite hero invokes his age-old wisdom and defuses these volatile artifacts.  Nothing about this scene creates either suspense or excitement.  As his own personal reward, Kaulder seduces a nubile stewardess before he sits down for the last time with his 36^th Dolan (Michael Caine of “The Dark Knight”), a revered Catholic cleric who has spent the last 50 years chronicling our protagonist’s escapades for posterity.  Incidentally, Dolans are members of a covert Axe and Cross society within the Catholic Church.  Like Kaulder, they have devoted themselves to maintaining an uneasy truce between humans and witches.  In “The Last Witch Hunter,” witches walk the earth with mankind, just as vampires did in “Blade,” but few people know about their phantasmagorical presence.  Kaulder and the clerics act as intermediaries who work alongside the crafty Witch Counsel to keep these necromancers in line.  Kaulder captures witches who illegally practice black magic, and the Witch Counsel entomb them in a maze of caves.

 

The 36^th Dolan is poised to retire, and the 37^th Dolan (Elijah Wood of “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy) prepares to replace him.  Although he saved the 37^th Dolan from a coven of witches, Kaulder doesn’t immediately recognize this newcomer.  Meantime, dramatic complications occur when the 36^th Dolan appears to have been murdered under mysterious circumstances by a shape-shifting sorcerer.  Kaulder discovers black magic at the scene of the crime and suspects that his ancient adversary, the Witch Queen, may have been playing possum all those years.  Along the way, Kaulder recruits a ‘good’ witch Chloe (Rose Leslie from “Game of Thrones”) to help him sort out the mystery.  Chloe’s claim to fame is her ability to cavort in dreams.  Happily, she rescues Kaulder from one disastrous dream after another when the Witch Queen’s evil cronies attack him on several occasions.  Our hero believes the solution to his quandary lies within his “Matrix” like dreams.

Ultimately, “The Last Witch Hunter” is largely incomprehensible gobbledygook.  Eisner and his scribes have enormous problems mapping out their complex witchcraft mythology.  They sprinkle bread crumbs of information about these conjurers throughout the muddled melodramatics, but seldom does anything about them come across as palatable.  Two surprises occur during these sluggish shenanigans, but neither are genuine revelations if you have paid attention to the formulaic plot.  The villains don’t stand out from the background, and the Witch Queen is stuck in the mud from the start.  Eisner orchestrates several big-budget action scenes, but these emerge as sloppy exercises.  Altogether, “The Last Witch Hunter” qualifies as hex-rated rubbish.

FILM REVIEW OF ''THE TOOTH FAIRY'' (2010)

Brawny Dwayne 'the Rock' Johnson looks hilarious decked out in a woman's pink tutu with a feathery pair of Tinker Bell fairy wings. The former WWE wrestler plays a grumpy, self-centered, minor-league hockey player who shatters the dreams of children as casually and decisively as he knocks the teeth out of his opponents on the ice. Never stop believing in your dreams qualifies as the theme of this incredibly vibrant, clever PG-rated comedy for kids. Indeed, the public has
bestowed on him the nickname 'the Tooth Fairy' because teeth fly when Derek Thompson slams into an adversary. Our hero goes too far when he informs a little girl in no uncertain terms that the Tooth Fairy is nothing but a figment of her imagination. Consequently, our protagonist wakes up the next day to find a summons from the Department of Dissemination of Disbelief under his pillow. This wonderfully frivolous
but wholesomely entertaining 106-minute, supernatural fluff never squanders a second, and the Rock is at his charismatic best. Although the producers have surrounded him with a worthwhile cast, "The Tooth Fairy" (**** out of ****) belongs to the Rock and his wattage burns up the screen. Picking up teeth from sleepy urchins proves more challenging than Derek had imagined.

Derek Thompson (Dwayne Johnson of "Race to Witch Mountain") blew his shoulder out playing pro hockey and wound up in the minor leagues skating with the Lansing, Michigan, Ice Wolves. Despite being in top physical condition, Derek is getting a little long in the tooth. Meaning, he has settled into a comfortable niche and is taking it too easy. He loves to crush the dreams of youngsters, largely because he
has sacrificed his own dream about serious hockey career. He has taken the easy way out and converted himself into a freak sideshow attraction. When his young fans ask him about their chances of becoming a sports sensation, he deflates their dreams and suggests they lower their expectations so they won't feel bad with the inevitable happens. While this makes Derek appear callous, the veteran hockey star reflects
his way of dealing with his own predicament. He hasn't scored a goal in nine years, and he hasn't tried because he has sold out to become a clown.

When he isn't knocking out teeth, Derek is dating Carly (Ashley Judd of
"High Crimes"). She has two kids, Tess (adorable newcomer Destiny
Whitlock), her pre-school daughter and Randy (Chase Ellison of
"Wristcutters: A Love Story"), her junior high son. One evening Carly
entrusts Tess to Derek's care. Derek and his teammates are playing
poker. Derek comes up short on cash and steals the money under Tess'
pillow, left there for her tooth by the Tony Fairy. Tess, who has
rhapsodized about the tooth fairy, awakens and cannot find her money.
Derek assures her that the tooth fairy doesn't exist. Carly pretends to
find the missing cash, gives it to a jubilant Tess and glowers at
Derek. The next thing Derek knows is he is in Tooth Fairy Kingdom in
front of the Tooth Fairy Godmother, Lily (Julie Andrews of "The Sound
of Music"), who sentences him to two weeks of retrieving teeth. In
other words, at some inopportune time when he is play hockey, Derek
receives a summons to fetch teeth. Sulking, Derek sets about paying the
penalty for eroding the dreams of youth and finds himself in several
adventures. Although he has wings, Derek doesn't fly because he has no
confidence in himself. Complicating matters are Carly and company. Carly
wants Derek to bond with Randy who suffers from a severe inferiority
complex. Initially, Derek handles this situation well. He buys Randy a
brand-new electric guitar and he jams with Randy on his drums in
preparation for a junior high talent contest. About that time, the Ice
Wolves pick up a hotshot new player, Mick Donnelly (Ryan Sheckler of
"Grind"), who won't being staying long because he likes to score goals
and scores them often. The Ice Wolves coach assigns Derek to watch out
for Mick.

Meantime, Derek has to learn the ropes about being a Tooth Fairy. Lilly
assigns a tall, willowy fairy without wings, Tracy (6-foot-7-inch
British comedian Stephen Merchant of "The Office" TV show), to serve as
his caseworker. Derek reports to Jerry (Billy Crystal of "Mr. Saturday
Night") an elderly, white-haired pixie who supplies him with a variety
of items essential in his line of work. He carries items that are
reminiscent of "Men-In-Black." Among these items are shrinking paste,
amnesia dust and invisibility spray. The shrinking paste enables him to
literally shrink himself down so he can escape, except when he
encounters a giant cat. When he enters a house or apartment, he can
sprinkle amnesia dust of the occupants and they will never remember his
visit, and finally he has an aerosol can of invisibility spray that he
can cover himself with so he cannot be seen. Predictably, Derek winds
up changing his ways and learning important lessons about life that he
has shied away from, like taking the shot to score.

"The Tooth Fairy" is as consistently hilarious as it is inspirational.
Dwayne Johnson and Stephen Merchant make a fantastic twosome with
Merchant forever beaming at the disgruntled sports star. "Connie and
Carla" director Michael Lembeck and a quintet of scenarists, among them
Babaloo Mandel and Lowell Ganz of "City Slickers," Joshua Sternin and
Jeffrey Ventimilia of "Surviving Christmas," and Randi Mayem Singer of
"Mrs. Doubtfire" have conjured up an exhilarating little comedy that is
bolstered by a top-notch supporting cast, including Ashley Judd, Julie
Andrews, Billy Crystal, and Stephen Merchant. The verbal humor is far
above average, too, with clever witticisms. This warm, fuzzy,
predictable, fish-out-of-water epic will appeal to adults, too, with
several genuinely side-splitting laughs.