FILM REVIEW ON ''VENGEANCE VALLEY'' (1951)

"Desperate Courage" director Richard Thorpe’s adult-themed western “Vengeance Valley” (*** out ****) concerns life on a cattle ranch and the conflict between two men.  This isn’t a trigger-happy gunslinger shoot’em up.  Virtually every character in this tautly-made 83-minute melodrama is involved in either the cattle business or clashes with the cowboys themselves. The characters in Irving Ravetch’s screenplay, based on Luke Short’s novel, emerge as either completely good or really evil. Meanwhile, Thorpe stages this steer opera against striking, snow-swept scenery, and Robert Walker’s villain is a truly treacherous dastard.  He is prepared to swindle his father out of money and land and kill the man who has shown him everything that he knows about ranching.  Furthermore, he has no qualms about having unshielded sex with single women.  In his first and only MGM production, Burt Lancaster delivers a strong performance as the stalwart hero.  "Vengeance Valley" was Lancaster's first time in the saddle, and he looks comfortable astride a horse. Tough-guy John Ireland is a gunman searching for trouble.  Interestingly, co-stars John Ireland and Joanne Dru were reunited on this trail herd western after starring in director Howard Hawks’ seminal cattle drive western. 

This 'Cain versus Abel' film unfolds with the following narration from the perspective of Hewie, one of the cowhands: “I got a story to tell - a yarn about cow country, cow punchers and men. I was workin' for the Strobie Ranch, a trade of worn leather and saddle blisters and brandin' irons. A trade with some song, some fun and some luck. It was as good a job as a man could ask for. Lonely sometimes and cold - so much distance you'd have thought you'd never get back - but for me, a young kid, it was a fine time. Memories are mostly good. You're up on top of the world where the air is clean and thin - the only sound is the wind in the pines. When Colorado ranch foreman Owen Daybright (Burt Lancaster of “Brute Force”) and foster brother Lee Strobie (Robert Walker of “Strangers on a Train”) ride back into town from watching over Arch Strobie’s cattle in the winter, they run into the local doctor at the saloon.  The doctor tells them that an unmarried woman Lily Fasken (Sally Forrest of “Mystery Street”) has had a baby boy. Actually, Lee had an affair with Lily, a former restaurant waitress, but he wants nobody to know about it, particularly his new wife. Owen visits Lily's house on behalf of Lee and brings $500 as well as a bag of provisions.  Later, Lee tells his father he lost the money playing poker.  Not only does Owen find Lee's wife Jen (Joanne Dru of “Red River”) at Lily’s place but also Lily’s pugnacious rifle-toting brother Dick (Hugh O’Brien of “The Shootist”) who is itching to plug the gent who got Lily pregnant.  Dick wants to know the identity of the father, but Owen refers him to Lily.  Dick believes Owen is the dad, but Jen tells him to leave Own alone.   

Later, Dick confronts Owen at the saloon.  Sheriff Con Alvis (Jim Hayward of “Bitter Creek”) gets the drop on Dick.  Owen warns Dick, “You scared me twice tonight. Next time you point a gun at me, shoot it.”   Owen and Lee ride back to the Strobie ranch and confer with Lee’s invalid father, Arch (Ray Collins of “Citizen Kane”), who is elated to see the two men.  Lee leaves them alone to see his wife Jen.  After Lee’s departure, Owen threatens to leave and start out on his own. Arch persuades Owen to stay. During their conversation, we learn that Arch befriended Owen about 15 years ago. Arch has relied on Owen to train Lee to take over operation of the ranch.  Moreover, Arch has relied on Owen to help him.

About a week later, Sheriff Alvis watches as Dick’s brother Hub Fasken (John Ireland of “River River”) gets off the train at the depot.  Hub informs Alvis he has come to kill a man.  A widow woman, Mrs. Burke (Grayce Mills of “Harvey”), takes Lily in to work at her small ranch.  Hub checks in with his younger sister, but she tells him that she doesn't need him. "We're this kind of family," Hub reminds her. "We don't waste any love on each other. We've fought amongst ourselves.  We've even shot at each other.  We got one tie.  You're blood relations."  Not long afterward, Owen and Hewie (Carleton Carpenter of “Summer Stock”) show up at Mrs. Burke's place to round up her cattle for the big drive. Meantime, Dick and Hub get the drop on Hewie, and catch Owen when he leaves the house. Hub and Owen swap blows, but Mrs. Burke intervenes with her shotgun.  The next time Owen sees Dick and Hub, the two are sweating it out in the hoosegow.  Eventually, Jen discovers in a round-about way that Lee is the father of Lily’s baby boy.  This kind of infidelity had to be treated with caution in the 1950s because it was still consider unsavory subject matter by the Production Code Administration.  Indeed, the doctor in the saloon refused to deliver the baby because the father wasn’t present. When Lee confronts Jen about the affair, he finds her nursing a battered Owen who has just slugged it out with Hub. Like Owen, Jen is prepared to leave the Strobie ranch, but Owen dissuades her. 

Owen warns Lee about Dick and Hub. He suggests Lee vamoose with Jen, but Lee insists Owen simply wants the entire ranch for himself.  The bad blood between the two men only worsens.  Lee persuades his father he can handle the ranch and asks to be half-owner.  An overjoyed Arch agrees.  Nevertheless, he mentions that he plans to let Owen have the other half after his death. Hewie informs Owen and Lee that somebody has stolen some of their cattle and horses.  The trail leads them to Herb Backett's place.  Naturally, Backett (Ted de Corsia of “The Killing”) lies that he knows nothing about rustled cattle. Owen beats the truth out of him, during a brief but bloody fight.  Lee tries to smooth over the fracas with Backett.  He agrees to buy back the cattle. Secretly, Lee is concocting a plan to kill Owen and he uses Backett.  Once again Lee accuses Owen of cheating on him with Jen, but he recants those words before the big cattle drive.  Lee makes friends with Backett because he needs him to help him.  He wants Backett to provide Dick and Hub with the necessary authorization to join the big drive without Owen finding out anything. 

Later, Lee sells his father’s herd of 3000 head to a Texas cattleman, Dave Allard (Glen Strange of “House of Dracula”), and this move surprises Owen. As it turns out, Owen suspects that Lee is determined to cheat his father out of money.  After the two herds are merged, Hewie warns Owen that the Fashen brothers are among Lee's crew.  Lee changes his mind about the sale to Allard and requests that Owen accompany him so he can inform Allard that the deal is off.  What Lee plans to do is set up Owen so the Fashen can ambush Owen.  They bushwack Oren, but help arrives not long after the villains Owen pinned down with rifle fire. Hewie forms a posse after they hear rifle fire.  Owen suffer from a nick on the sleeve.  Hewie and the others thunder onto the scene and blast the two brothers. Owen pursues Lee on horseback. Lee’s horse caves in under him and he tumbles into the river.  Owen challenges Lee to draw.  Owen is faster and kills Lee. When he returns to the ranch, Owen explains to Arch what happened, but Arch already knew what Lee was worthless. When Arch wants to tell Jen, Owen intervenes and says he wants will break the news to Jen himself.

“Vengeance Valley” is a sturdy, atmospheric western with Lancaster as the hero and Walker as a slimy villain.

FILM REVIEW OF ''SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN" (2012)

Hollywood has been cranking out cinematic adaptations of Snow White since the silent 1916 version.  In 1933, vampy cartoon heroine Betty Boop played the raven-haired princess in a 7-minute, surrealistic, black & white cartoon from Max Fleischer's Studios before Disney immortalized our fair maiden.  Recently, “Immortals” director Tarsem Singh helmed an adaptation of the Snow White fairy tale called “Mirror, Mirror” with Julia Roberts as the sinful stepmom.  Now, rookie British director Rupert Sanders and freshman scenarist Evan Daugherty, along with “The Blind Side” scribe John Lee Hancock and “Drive’s” Hossein Amini, have reimagined this melodrama as a much darker chick flick.  They’ve made it palatable not only for girls but also guys.  Imagine “Joan of Arc” crossed with “The Lord of the Rings,” and you’ve got a good idea about what to expect.  As the second take on the venerable Brothers Grimm fairy tale this year, “Snow White and the Huntsman” (*** out of ****) departs considerably the 1937 Walt Disney classic.  The protagonist here isn’t the clueless maiden who cooks and cleans for a clan of cuddly dwarves.  After escaping from her depraved stepmom and stumbling through a supernatural forest with all kinds of creepy critters, “Twilight’s” Kristen Stewart makes herself over into an armor-clad, sword-wielding Amazon who saddles up with an army of troops to ride back to her father’s castle and reclaim the kingdom.  Good adventure movies require stalwart heroines who don’t necessarily play second fiddle to the heroes.  A bearded Chris Hemsworth, whose character shares little in common with his Marvel Comics alter-ego “Thor,” brandishes both a hatchet as the eponymous “Huntsman,” but he doesn’t push our heroine around for long before she whistles a different tune.  Mind you, good adventures must also boast diabolical villains.  Oscar-winning actress Charlize Theron steals the show as the malicious stepmother and qualifies as the most fascist femme that you’ll ever see.  She is a succubus rolled up into a sorceress.  Aside from her brother, this despicable villainess abhors men with a passion and loves literally to stick it to them—right in the gizzard with a sharp blade.

“Snow White and the Huntsman” follows the Brothers Grimm story when Queen Eleanor (newcomer Liberty Ross) pricks her finger on a blooming rose in the dead of winter and watches three drops of blood splatter in the snow.  Eleanor bears a child but then not long afterward dies.  Snow White’s grieving father King Magnus (Noah Huntley of “Your Highness”) rides into battle against a mysterious enemy that his army hacks into heaps of obsidian shards. Afterward, they discover a poor damsel-in-distress chained up like a slave in a wagon on the battlefield.  This unfortunate woman, Ravenna (Charlize Theron of “Monster”), seduces the monarch and later they marry.  During their wedding night, Ravenna stabs the unsuspecting king to death with a large knife thrust into his chest.  “Snow White and the Huntsman” skirts blood and gore as much as possible.  Nevertheless, the inventive Sanders shows some flair by having a pitcher of wine spill at least a quart of its dark red contents on the floor as a metaphor for the king’s loss of blood.  Ravenna wastes no time with the king’s daughter and locks young Snow White up in a tower.  No sooner has this incident transpired than Ravenna has her servants hang a mirror so she can admire her beauty.  Of course, this mirror is no ordinary mirror.  Everybody knows that the wicked stepmother-turned-queen has conversations with it.  The difference is that before the mirror replies to her, it behaves like the Robert Patrick terminator in “Terminator 2.”  The mirror oozes out onto the floor into a pool and then assumes the shape of a figure in a cloak.  This ingenious touch and the many others that ensue make “Snow White and the Huntsman” into an imaginative, above-average yarn with surprises galore.

After Snow White has grown up, Ravenna realizes that she has a problem.  She is beginning to age.  She sends her equally wicked brother her Finn (Sam Spruell of “Defiance”) off to fetch fresh flesh.  Finn brings her a young maiden, and Ravenna literally sucks the beauty of her mouth without touching her lips.  Indeed, Ravenna imitates the infamous Countess Báthory who slashed up young women and bathed in their blood.  Eventually, Ravenna learns that she must dine on Snow White’s heart and sends Finn off to get her.  A couple of birds fly up to Snow White’s window in the tower and she finds a loose nail.  Later, when Finn tries to dally with our heroine, she cuts him up and escapes from the castle.  The furious Ravenna enlists the aid of a drunken lout, the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth of “The Cabin in the Woods”) and he sets out to find Snow White.  Sensing something amiss, the Huntsman alters his allegiance and helps Snow White elude Finn and his henchmen.  About an hour into the action, our hero and heroine encounter eight dwarves who are thieves.

Future filmmakers will have to struggle to surpass what Sanders and his scribes have done both with the nefarious stepmother and the other elements.  If some of those dwarves that associate with Snow White look familiar, they are.  Sanders and company haven’t cast genuine dwarves.  Instead, they have pasted the heads of notable real-life actors, including Nick Frost of “Shaun of the Dead,” Ian McShane of HBO’s “Deadwood,” and Ray Winstone of “The Departed,” onto the bodies of these little people.  You’ve got to see these gritty little guys to believe them.  The scenery, the sets, the wardrobe, and the computer-generated-special effects are all fantastic.  Unfortunately, the chemistry between Kristen Stewart and her two suitors, Chris Hemsworth as the eponymous Huntsman and her childhood friend Sam Claflin, frizzle rather than sizzle.  Meanwhile, “Snow White and the Huntsman” has coined almost $100-million domestically and another $83-million overseas so Universal Studios is talking about a sequel.  Ironically, the studio was counting on “Battleship” to deliver, but it sank and “Snow White” has replaced it.  “Snow White and the Huntsman” qualifies as an unforgettable fairy tale with an edge. 

FILM REVIEW OF "MEN IN BLACK 3" (2012)

“Men in Black 3” (**1/2 OUT OF ****) may be Tommy Lee Jones’ last “Men in Black” movie.  The Oscar winning “Fugitive” actor makes what amounts to a glorified cameo in the second sequel.  He shows up for about a quarter of an hour during the first act of this amusing, but tonally uneven farce and then disappears until about the last ten minutes of act three. Presumably, Jones wasn’t agile enough to impersonate himself as a younger man in act two of this lively sequel. Consequently, “Men in Black” director Barry Sonnenfeld cast Josh Brolin as a younger Agent K for the contrived time travel plot in “Tropic Thunder” scenarist Etan Cohen’s inventive but convoluted screenplay.  Things seem considerably more realistic in “Men in Black 3” as a vindicative villain takes advantage of time travel to trip back to July 1969 and knock off Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) mere moments before the historic Apollo Moon launch.  Meaning, since Agent K would no longer exist, Agent K couldn’t have recruited Agent J.  Remember, in “Men in Black” (1997), Agent K recruited NYPD detective James Darrell Edwards III (Will Smith of “Independence Day”) for his fleet-footed pursuit of an alien. “Men in Black 3” takes some outrageous liberties with time travel that haven’t been handled in such a zany fashion.

Basically, “Men in Black 3” resembles the classic fantasy film “It’s A Wonderful Life” (1946) where James Stewart learns about the chaos that will ensue if he commits suicide. Unlike the James Stewart hero, Agent K either must survive a murder attempt on his life or chaos will engulf the Earth.  A buffed-up Mick Jigger look-alike bad man named Boris the Animal has dreamed about killing Agent K.  Bad-tempered Boris is an alien who has goggles instead of eyeballs, gnarly-looking teeth, a Darth Vader baritone voice, and multi-toed feet, and harbors a deadly crab-like critter in the palm of his hand.  Boris likes to discharge deadly thorns from his hand, and his trademark line of dialogue is "Let's agree to disagree." Unless Agent J can run interference for Agent K, the world as we know it is doomed.  It seems that Agent K was instrumental in averting an alien invasion of Earth with a small gizmo that gives off an emerald glow back in 1969.  He had to plant the device atop the Apollo Moon rocket so it could be boosted into space.  Of course, Boris both before and after the Lunar Max escape turns up to complicate Agent K’s renewed efforts to save the planet.  They battle like titans atop the gantry.

 “Men in Black” opens in Lunar Max, a maximum security prison on the Moon, built to confine the worst scum in the galaxy. Beastly Boris the Animal (Jemaine Clement of “Dinner for Schmucks”) thwarts an army of heavily armed guards with the help of a woman carrying a pink cake, and breaks out of the slammer.  Just when the guards think they have Boris cornered, this larger-than-life villain surprises them with a stunt that disperses the guards and staggers the imagination.  Now, freed after 40 years of captivity, Boris decides to pay back the man who not only put him behind bars but also blew off part of his left arm.  Of course, Boris’ quarry is none other than resourceful Agent K.  Agent K's only regret is that he didn't ice Boris when he had the opportunity.  Mysteriously, Agent K has vanished without a trace, and Agent J gets the shock of his life at MIB Headquarters when he learns that Agent K has been dead for 40 years.

 The original “Men in Black” offered a pleasant change-of-pace for science fiction film fans.  Essentially, this silly, “Far Side” type satire cleverly combined the police procedural TV show “Dragnet” with the “Star Wars” cantina scene.  Sonnenfeld has helmed all three “Men in Black” movies.  Along the way, he has made some changes.  Not only does Sonnenfeld eliminate Zed, but he also has replaced Zed with a younger woman.  Essentially, Zed (Rip Torn) has died, and Agent K delivers a cryptic but dispassionate eulogy.  Agent O (Emma Thompson) replaces Zed. Later, we learn that Agent K and Agent O were romantically involved. Unfortunately, the filmmakers fail to make the threat of a standard-issue, alien invasion of Earth plot seem exciting.  Sonnenfeld and Cohen do everything to raise the stakes in this outlandish sequel.  Although some changes are obvious and accounted for, others are not so clear-cut, especially the liberties that they take with time travel.

 The biggest change involves the scope of “MIB 3.”  Although the adversary is an alien, little about him prompts laughs.  The decision to go into the past makes "Men in Black 3" different from the previous two films.  Sonnenfeld and Cohen allow Boris to take things right down to the wire.  “Men in Black 3” is the tail chasing the dog, but it is so energetic that you can ignore its lapses in logic.  Brolin and Smith are charismatic enough even when the plot stumbles from one big set-piece to another.  Some critics have skewered the logic of the time travel plot.  How can two characters and their counterparts inhabit the same time and setting without negating their alter-egos?  For that matter, how is it that Agent J can remain a member of the Men in Black if Agent K weren’t around to recruit him?  After Sonnenfeld and Cohen resolve the end-of-the-world plot, they cap off “Men in Black 3” with a hopelessly contrived ending that brings the franchise full circle.  The closure that comes with the return of Tommy Lee Jones as Agent K has an eerie sense of finality. Josh Brolin delivers a brilliant performance as Agent K, and the ambitious plot resembles a sci-fi, James Bond escapade rather than a goofy actioneer.  Happily, “Men in Black 3” boasts some ingenious gadgets, like a motorcycle that consists of one giant wheel that the rider sits inside while driving and jet-packs that resemble chrome-plated Gemini capsules.  Comparatively, “Men in Black 3” surpasses “Men in Black 2,” but lacks the spontaneity of “Men in Black.” 

FILM REVIEW OF "LADY GANGSTER" (1942)

"Lady Gangster" qualifies as a lively little World War II era B-picture about crime and punishment in America. The prevalent themes in "Lady Gangster" are women versus society, women versus men, and women versus other women. "Danger Signal" director Robert Florey and "Busses Roar" scenarist Anthony Coldeway have contrived a serviceable thriller based on the Dorothy Mackaye and Carlton Miles play "Gangstress, or Women In Prison." The attention to detail is above average. Florey stages a dandy little fistfight between the good guy and the criminals near the climax. Florey and Coldeway had to toe the line with the Production Code Administration in regard to their depiction of the heroine as an accomplice to bank robbers. Consequently, they make her somebody with whom we can sympathize. They provide her with a back story as a failed actress who turned to crime only as a last resort to survive. Moreover, they establish that she is not a career criminal.

"Lady Gangster" opens with Dorothy Burton (Faye Emerson of "Hotel Berlin") calling the cops and making a bogus complaint about a man with a knife. While the cops are responding to this call, Dot and three mobsters pull up to the Central Trust and Savings Bank before opening time at 10 AM. Dot emerges from the car with a small pet dog in her arms and convinces reluctant bank guard Jordan (Ken Christy of "Burma Convoy") to let her inside before regular hours. Dot lies to him that she has to make a deposit before her train leaves. While Dot sidetracks gullible Jordan, Carey (Roland Drew of "Manpower") and Stew (William Phillips of "Fort Yuma") slip inside with guns drawn and hold up the bank. Dot spots a cop outside hassling getaway car driver Wilson (Jackie C. Gleason of "Skidoo"), and she faints in Jordan's arms. Carey and Stew scramble for the getaway car and Wilson careens away. Initially, the police detain Dot as a witness. Later, Dot arouses the suspicions of a detective when she calls her dog by a name entirely different from the one on her pet's collar. She winds up in custody.

Dot's arrest incites the wrath of the Commodore Broadcasting Company. CBC radio commentator Kenneth Phillips (Fred Wilcox of "Notorious") takes the advice of his second-in-command (William Hopper of TV's "Perry Mason") to editorialize against District Attorney Lewis Sinton (Herbert Rawlinson of "Framed") because he arrested Dot since she could not accurately identify her dog. Meanwhile, on the advice of his second-in-command, Sinton phones Phillips and assures him that he is "willing and anxious to cooperate in every way" with him as well as let him question the Burton girl, all this despite the unflattering portrait that Phillips painted of him on the air as a crafty politician. Phillips persuades Sinton to release Dot into his custody.

On the pretext of getting her belongings, Dot visits Ma Silsby (Vera Lewis of "The Suspect") and learns that Carey refuses to give her a dime of her cut in the hold-up. Wilson doesn't think that Carey is treating Dot fairly. Ma alerts the gang that the authorities are nosing around outside. The guys stash the briefcase of dough under the front of a fireplace and lam out. Dot removes it and has Ma hide it in a safe place. She tears a dollar bill in two and tells Ma to trust only somebody with the other half of the dollar. Later, she informs Kenneth that she took advantage of his influence and she admits her part in the crime to Sinton. However, she refuses to identify her accomplices and disclose the whereabouts of the loot.

Twenty-one minutes into "Lady Gangster" our heroine enters prison. The warden, Mrs. Stoner (Virginia Brissac of "Jesse James"), explains the difference between an American prison and the Nazi variety. Says Stoner, "So the quicker you realize that this neither a country club nor a concentration camp, the better. It's up to the women themselves how they're treated. If you behave yourself, we'll meet you more than halfway, but if you want to be tough, we can be tough with you. Now, is that clear?" Dot meets Myrtle (Julie Bishop of "Northern Pursuit") and they become pals. Carey dresses up in drag and poses as Dot's sister to visit her. Dot refuses unequivocally to divulge the whereabouts of the forty grand.

Commenting about the luxurious prison facilities, Myrtle observes patriotically, "I'd play ball with anybody but Hitler to get out of this hole." Meanwhile, Dot runs afoul of inmates Lucy Fenton (Ruth Ford of "Wilson") and Deaf Annie (Dorothy Adams of "Ninotchka"). Deaf Annie reads lips. Dot confides in Myrtle that she has hidden the forty grand safely. Deaf Annie relays this news to Lucy. Before Phillips visits Mrs. Stoner to get her approval for Dot's parole, evil Lucy reveals to Stoner that Dot has the money stashed away. Stoner squashes the parole hearing after Lucy's revelation. Lucy turns around and lies to Dot that Ken wanted to trick her into revealing the location of the money in exchange for parole. Lucy completely fools Dot who gets a letter to Wilson about Ken and the money. Dot learns the truth from Mrs. Stoner who thanks her for giving her the reward money for the forty grand. Dot slugs Stoner, dons her apparel, and escapes from prison to save Phillips.

Clocking in at 62 concise minutes, "Lady Gangster" is a neat little item that shows how democracy worked during World War II on the home front.  Incidentally, “Lady Gangster” is remake of the 1933 Barbara Stanwyck flick “Ladies They Talk About.”

FILM REVIEW OF ''BATTLESHIP" (2012)

Anything can happen in science fiction.  The $200-million, sci-fi spectacle “Battleship” (**1/2 OUT OF ****) is as implausible as it is predictable.  Nevertheless, despite its contrivance and familiarity, this outlandish, larger-than-life, PG-13 rated, juvenile extravaganza will keep you entertained for most of its lengthy 131 minutes.  The anemic end credits scene isn’t worth waiting around for but it does assure us about the prospect of a sequel.  If you accept the proposition that pugnacious aliens from another galaxy would attack Earth, then none of “Battleship” is far-fetched.  The chief problem is predictability.  “Battleship” is a contemporary “War of the Worlds” knock-off set on the high seas.  Of course, the U.S. Navy defeats these hostile extraterrestrials, with a little help from a former Asian adversary.  “Friday Night Lights” director Peter Berg rehabilitates the Japanese for “Battleship.”  A Japanese naval officer figures out how to locate the aliens after the heroes lose radar.  An attractive cast, scenic Hawaiian settings, and the theme of diversity make “Battleship” rewarding for those who thrive on this brand of cheesy Saturday morning flotsam.  Anybody who knows anything about ships knows you couldn’t execute the maneuvers that the U.S.S. Missouri pulls off.  The fantastic Industrial Light and Magic’s computer-generated imagery compensates considerably for the corny, formulaic plot.   The alien warships are impressive, and one of their weapons—a blazing yo-yo that can eat through metal like a blow torch through butter--makes things appear dire.  Neither Liam Neeson nor pop singer Rihanna are given enough screen time to make much of an impression.

“Red” scribes Jon and Erich Hoeber along with Berg deserve top marks for their imaginative adaptation of the venerable Milton Bradley board game.  For the record, this two person game predates World War I and the opponents must guess the location of their enemy’s ships.  The Hoebers open “Battleship” in 2005 with the revelation that NASA (keep those funds coming) has found a "Goldilocks planet" similar to Earth in a nearby galaxy.  We use a powerful, sophisticated satellite to beam a radio signal to Planet G.  One geeky scientist raises questions about this strategy. "This could be like Columbus and the Indians, except we're the Indians.”  Predictably, these dastardly devils dispatch a reconnaissance force to investigate Earth.  Unfortunately, for these fellows who all resemble “Hellboy’s” Ron Pearlman with reptilian eyes, things do not proceed as planned.  Five ships invade Earth.  One smashes into an orbiting satellite and crashes into the skyscrapers of Hong Kong.  Now, the aliens have no way to call home.  The remaining four starships plunge into the Pacific Ocean. This occurs about the same time that the U.S. Navy and 13 other countries are embarking on RIMPAC.  Otherwise known as the Rim of the Pacific Naval Exercise, this bi-annual war games constitutes the world's largest international maritime task.  You can see how the Hoebers and Berg used the board game as a jumping off point. 

The first flaw afflicting “Battleship” is its bland humans.  Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch of “John Carter”) qualifies as the usual underdog hero.  Basically, Alex sleeps on his brother’s couch and mooches off him.  He gets into trouble on his 26^th birthday when he befriends a drop-dead gorgeous blonde, Samantha Shane (Brooklyn Decker of “Just Go with It”), at a bar.  An obnoxious barkeeper informs Samantha, as he shuts the door to a microwave, that the kitchen is closed.  Alex sidles up to our heroine and promises to deliver a chicken burrito in five minutes.  Initially, Alex discovers the convenience store across the street has just closed for the evening.  Resourceful fellow that Alex is, he breaks into the store, snatches a chicken burrito, nukes it, leaves money for it on the counter, and then makes a less-than-graceful exit.  Berg depicts these tongue-in-cheek antics from the perspective of the store’s surveillance cameras with Henry Mancini’s “Pink Panther” theme accentuating the humor.  The Honolulu Police taser Alex twice for his gallantry.  Naturally, Alex’s older brother Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgard of “Straw Dogs.”) isn’t amused.  Stone wants to join the Navy.  The revelation that Samantha is the daughter of U.S. Navy Pacific Fleet Commander Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson of “The Grey”) infuriates Stone.  Consequently, Stone coerces Alex to join the Navy, too.  

Seven years elapse. Stone commands the USS Sampson, while Alex serves as Tactical Action Officer aboard the destroyer USS John Paul Jones.  Samantha and Alex are still dating, much to Admiral Shane’s chagrin.  During a soccer match between the U.S. Navy and the Japanese, a Japanese player kicks Alex in the face by accident.  Long story short, this mischief forges bad blood between the two, and they tangle later and are reprimanded.  Admiral Shane warns Alex that his seagoing days may be numbered.  Cue the aliens to crash into the Pacific, wipe out a warship, and deploy an impregnable shield that encloses both the Sampson and the John Paul Jones.  Worse things ensue, but our hero redeems himself. 

The second flaw is the aliens aren’t as scary as their counterparts either in “Alien” or “Predator.”  These look-alike Mighty Morphin Power Rangers neither bleed sulfuric acid nor are they half as aggressive as the arachnids in “Starship Troopers.”  They boast some top-notch equipment, but their arsenal looks suspiciously similar to our Navy.  Mind you, these extraterrestrials are light years ahead of us in space travel and firepower.  Their massive, chrome-plated, shape-shifting, aerodynamic vessels come armed with the equivalent of hedgehop ordnance to rain down destruction on their adversaries.  Meantime, the U.S. Navy responds with their standard weapons and defeat the enemy because our heroes correctly guess where the aliens are.  The trailers make “Battleship” look like “Transformers” on water, but the aliens amount to far less intimidating adversaries with an Achilles’ heel that sinks them.  These aliens don’t bother to introduce themselves like the invaders in “The Day The Earth Stood Still” movies.  They present mankind with no ultimatums.  Indeed, they never talk.  

Vulnerable alien invaders, stereotypical human heroes, and predictible scripting nearly torpedo “Battleship.”  

FILM REVIEW OF "MEN IN BLACK" (1997)

The idea for "Men in Black," the latest alien opus about cracking down on extraterrestrials hiding out on earth, conjures up a galaxy of surreal comic potential. If you're looking for a moderately entertaining, mega-budgeted, "Far Side" farce that vapor locks just shy of "Ghostbusters," "Men in Black" is your ticket. Even if this uneven outer limits comedy doesn't beam you up, its alleged million-dollar-per-minute special effects that infest the plot with a spawn of dorky aliens should impress you. Mind you, nothing in this delightful movie should give you nightmares.  Despite its abundant sight-gags and eye-popping aliens, "Men in Black" frizzles because it relies on the familiar 'oxidize the earth' plot. "Men-In-Black" is a great looking movie hampered by a lame plot. Based on Lowell Cunningham's obscure but sensational Marvel comic from the early 1990s, the story sounds like "Dragnet" meets "Ghostbusters." The subversive but inventive Ed Solomon script struggles to keep a deadpan lid on its diabolical lunacy so its gags will appear twice as funny. Basically, it's the old idea of getting more mileage out of a joke by telling it as if you weren't aware of the humor.

The irreverent "Men in Black" (**1/2 out of ****) humor is so dry and sporadic that it sometimes fails to enthrall. Remember "Dragnet" with its "just the facts, m'am" deadpan humor? You know you're watching a comedy, and you even laugh at what you see. After all, you know these guys are straining to be hilarious. But they're not funny enough all the time to make you forget they're struggling so hard to make you laugh. Solomon wastes too much time integrating Will Smith's character into the action and not enough time incorporating Linda Fiorentino's character. The story never generates any genuine suspense, just a lot of pastel slime. The ending is outrageously implausible even by the wacky elastic standards of this fantasy. Nevertheless, "Men in Black" doesn't wear out its welcome.

Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith impersonate a couple of laced-strait Federal agents who work for a ultra-hush, hush agency known only as INS Division 6. Headquartered out of sight in Manhattan, INS 6 licenses, monitors, and polices all alien activity on Earth. According to the movie, about fifteen-hundred aliens reside on the planet in a state of apolitical harmony. Any alien critter that goes AWOL gets busted by these INS 6 dudes.

When we first meet J (Will Smith of "Hancock"), he is fleet-footed NYPD detective James Darrel Edwards, III, who has experienced a close encounter with a nimble dude in a green jacket. INS 6 recruits him because he nearly caught the alien. (If Will Smith doesn't watch out, he is going to be type-cast as the John Wayne of alien butt kickers.) INS 6 chief Zed (Rip Torn) teams J with veteran alien buster K (Tommy Lee Jones of "Rolling Thunder"). Even if you can tolerate the long expository build up, the story suffers again because these characters never develop the camaraderie of the "Ghostbusters." After a UFO crashes into his Chevrolet pick-up truck, a creepy redneck farmer, Edgar (Vincent D'Onofrio), goes gunning for the aliens. They're a bunch of murderously mutant cockroaches. They zap Edgar instead and take control of his body. (This scene recalls the Stephen King episode in the 1982 movie "Creepshow.") Edgar stumbles through the rest of the movie like a zombie. He's on a weird quest to kill two Arkillian aliens disguised as human and pinch a trinket hanging around a cat's neck that contains the galaxy. When he gets it, the Arkillian threat to atomize the planet unless our heroes can recover the bauble.

What we don't learn about the aliens, the filmmakers are happy to show us. Aliens galore infest "Men in Black." They resemble mutants sprung from the island of Dr. Seuss. None are particularly threatening, but some are ugly and squid-like. The scene where J assists a mother alien in birth is pretty funny, but it doesn't match the impact of the Billy Crystal calf delivery in "City Slickers." Juveniles will drool over the flashy gadgets. One device called a "neuralizer" resembles a tire gauge crossed with a pin-light. Our heroes use it to erase the short term memory of any spectators that they encounter in the line of duty. Remember, we're not supposed to know that the aliens walk among us. Our heroes don their cool looking Ray Bans to dampen the effect on them. The Ray Bans are already available in stores, but you'll probably have to wait for the chrome plated guns. Judging from its opening weekend haul of $50 million plus dollars, "Men in Black" should at least inspire a sequel as well as merchandising out the universe. There's a cartoon series already in the works.

Director Barry Sonnenfeld pulls out all stops. The hokey dragon-fly in the opening scene sets the smart aleck tone for the movie. One of the best scenes is the jewelry store confrontation which the movie makers have already given up in the previews of "Men in Black." The witty use of tabloid newspapers to tell the real truth is ironic, and the real story behind the New York's World Fair is a hoot! Sonnenfeld keeps the light weight action moving at light speed. Sometimes the movie zips by so quickly they you have trouble keeping up with it. But "Men in Black" lacks the bizarre finesse of Sonnenfeld's two "Adams Family" movies. No complaints about the casting. Tom Lee Jones of "The Fugitive" delivers the kind of stoic performance that would put Jack Webb to shame. Jones's grim-faced, buttoned-down expressions would be the envy of Detective Sergeant Friday. Jones proves himself a master comedian with impeccable timing again and again in "Men in Black." William Smith of "Independence Day" blends his streetwise, Ebonic, home boy charm with the sartorial elegance of his character as an interesting contrast to Jones' tight-lipped stooge. These co-stars work well together, except that their cardboard characters never evolve in the two frantic days covered in the movie.

"Men in Black" misfires more often than hits. You exit the movie theatre dazzled by the seamless special effects, but you may find that the dry, off-beat humor as memorable as a flash of light from a neutralizer.

FILM REVIEW OF ''A PISTOL FOR RINGO'' (1965-Italian)

 Writer and director Duccio Tessari, who co-scripted Sergio Leone's "A Fistful of Dollars," helmed this entertaining, above-average spaghetti western, "A Pistol for Ringo," starring Roman-born actor Giuliano Gemma--billed here as Montgomery Wood—as the eponymous hero with perennial villain Fernando Sancho as his treacherous adversary. For the record, the profligate Sancho appeared in over 230 movies and basically played the same slimy Mexican outlaw in 35 westerns. Tessari penned a number of other Italian oaters including "Seven Guns for the MacGregors," "Return of Ringo" and "A Train for Durango." Tessari also worked on the Italian peplum—muscle man movies--before he embarked on these trigger happy westerns, most notably co-writing Sergio Leone's "The Colossus of Rhodes." In "A Pistol for Ringo" (***1/2 out of ****), Tessari imitates American westerns more than his native variety. Gemma is a clean-cut, good-looking, well-dressed gunfighter who is too fast on the draw for his own good. At least twice in this lively horse opera, he guns down opponents in self-defense. The way that Ringo handles a six-gun, however, it comes pretty close to murder. Moreover, Ringo is a wise-cracking gringo with a comeback line for everything. Indeed, the dialogue by Tessari and co-scenarist Alfonso Balcázar, who also knew his way around continental westerns with writing credits on "Nevada Clint," "Five Giants from Texas," and "$100-Thousand Dollars for Ringo," crackles with humor and imagination. Simply said, nothing about this hostage crisis western set in the arid Southwest that co-stars George Eastman, another Italian who made his share of spaghettis, is half-baked. Ennio Morricone composed the beautiful orchestral score and Morricone's magical music is far above what this violent western could have hoped for, especially the lyrical title tune about the wily protagonist.

The first time that we lay eyes on our hero, Ringo (Giuliano Gemma of "Day of Anger"), he is playing hop-scotch with a bunch of children in a village. Word has arrived that Ringo has been cleared of murder charges in the shooting death of another gunman, but the Benson brothers decide to make him pay for their brother's death. No sooner have they challenged Ringo—who is also known as 'Angel Face'—than he whips his six-shooter out of his waistband and blows all four of them away without wasting a shot. Indeed, like Clint Eastwood in "A Fistful of Dollars," Ringo doesn't wait for them to draw and only one of the Benson's clears leather with his revolver before he is shot dead. The sheriff (George Eastman of "Ben and Charlie") arrests Ringo and puts him in jail where our hero demands a glass of milk. Later, Ringo pours out liquor on the floor when he doesn't get his trademark glass of milk.

Meanwhile, Sancho (Fernando Sancho of "Mission Phantom") rides across the border alone only to be confronted by a couple of U.S. Cavalrymen who tell him to turn around and ride back across the Rio Grande. Sancho feigns ignorance and removes his sombrero in humility while the soldiers chew him out. Little to the troopers know that Sancho has taken his large hat off to hid his hand pulling his pistol out. He guns them down and his gang joins him in the border town where they shoot it up and rob the bank. During the hold-up, Sancho catches a bullet in the shoulder. The sheriff forms a posse to follow them and the villains hightail it out of town and ride to a sprawling ranch near the border. They take the owner, Major Clyde (Antonio Casas of "The Texican"), his pretty daughter Ruby (Lorella De Luca of "The Swindle"), and their servants and ranch hands hostage.

After the posse lays siege to them at the ranch, one character points out how impregnable the ranch is. "The walls are high and thick. You'd need a company of cavalry to attack it. Half of the soldiers would be killed in the charge." Nevertheless, the stalwart sheriff informs Sancho that his men and he are cornered in the ranch and there is no escape for them. The murderous Sancho responds, "Meanwhile, in case it takes you a while to make up your mind, we'll send out two dead men a day, one at dawn and one at sunset, first the ranch hands and last of all, the girl and her father." At the same time, the townspeople send for the U.S. Cavalry. They know Sancho by his reputation: "His favorite sport is shooting unarmed men, preferably in the back." Another posse man observes, "The only sure method to handling them is to slaughter them like cattle." The sheriff is bothered by Sancho's ultimatum. Particularly, the sheriff worries because Ruby is the love of his life and he doesn't want anything that might jeopardize her life. "If we could get a man inside the ranch," he opines, "we could help them to escape." Reluctantly, he approaches free-wheeling Ringo with a scheme that would see Ringo turned loose. Initially, Ringo is reluctant to help them. "Don't look for trouble," he points out, "It'll come by itself." Nevertheless, after the sheriff clears Ringo of the shooting death of the Benson brothers and the citizens grudgingly agree to 30 per cent as a reward for our hero, he agrees to help them. However, to establish his credentials as a villain, he has the sheriff and his posse pepper the air with bullets as he rides hell-bent-for-leather to the ranch. Once Ringo shows up, he operates on Sancho and removes the bullet. Ringo tells them about his predicament as well as their predicament and demands 40 per cent of the loot in exchange for getting them out of the ranch.

"A Pistol for Ringo" is head and hands above most generic spaghetti westerns. Director Duccio Tessari keeps things popping. Gemma is perfectly cast as the agile Ringo. The rugged Spanish scenery is gorgeous and the formulaic plot provides a couple of surprises.