FILM REVIEW OF "THE GREAT WALL"

Creature features like Chinese director Zhang Yimou's sprawling $150 million fantasy epic "The Great Wall" (* OUT OF ****) must bristle with monsters that not only send a chill down your spine but also paralyze you with fear. Sadly, neither Yimou, who helmed "House of Flying Daggers," nor his lackluster special effects team have conjured up monsters that would frighten a cat. The toothy but mange-ridden reptilian quadruples that swarm over, around, and under the eponymous wall resemble a horde of demented Tasmanian devils. Mind you, these predators hunt like ravenous wolves, but they look far more hilarious than intimidating. When a multi-million-dollar movie sinks a fortune on such an egregious example of monsters, you'd think the producers would have shown greater imagination. Why actors as respected as Matt Damon and Willem Dafoe would grace this expensive, but lame-brained, hybrid Hollywood/Chinese co-production with their presence remains baffling, too. "The Great Wall" evoked memories of the abysmal Keanu Reeves escapade "47 Ronin" (2013) because both movies depicted how a European outsider intervened to save Asians from virtual annihilation. Mind you, "Sorcerer's Apprentice" scribes Carlo Bernard and Doug Miro along with "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story" scribe Tony Gilroy have concocted a premise about Medieval European mercenaries--Matt Damon, Pedro Pascal, and Willem Dafoe— drifting around China on a quest for the fabled gunpowder. Naturally, the Chinese refuse to share the secret of gunpowder with these barbarians since it constituted the equivalent of a nuclear bomb in the bow & arrow era. Eventually, our outcast heroes find refuge within the ranks of an army of intrepid Chinese warriors after Damon's mercenary protagonist miraculously manages to slay one of these absurd beasts. Worse than its Rat Fink-style monsters, "The Great Wall" generates minimal suspense and few surprises with its preposterously formulaic plot. Once you lay your eyes on these bogus Tao Tei monsters you may clamor for a refund on your ticket.

William (Matt Damon of "The Bourne Identity") and Tovar (Pedro Pascal of "Hermanas") have spent their entire lives on the battlefield and dispatched adversaries with as little regard for them as we might stomp cockroaches. Having embarked on an ambitious journey to the Far East, our heroes set out to acquire the legendary black powder that will escalate combat to a more devastating intensity. Unfortunately, attrition in form of marauding enemies as well as enigmatic creatures has whittled their numbers down until only William and Tovar remain. At one point, three of their comrades vanish under suspicious circumstances, and William slashes a big, green claw off something that he cannot see. Our heroic duo doesn't last long in the sprawling Gobi Desert before Chinese soldiers of the Nameless Order surround and usher them off to their leaders. General Shao (Hanyu Zhang of "White Vengeance") and his second-in-command Lin Mae (Ting Jing of "Police Story: Lockdown") have assembled a massive army atop a gargantuan wall where they maintain surveillance on the surrounding countryside. They interrogate William and Tovar and are prepared to execute them as intruders until they discover the severed claw of a Tao Tei monster among William's belongings. They change their attitude about these two and let them live. As it turns out, another European, Ballard (Willem Dafoe of "John Wick"), who has been a Chinese prisoner for about 25 years, blundered unbidden into their land in search of black powder, too. They didn't kill him, and during that time, Ballard has taught Lin Mae how to speak English.

No sooner have the Chinese captured our heroes than William and Tovar collaborate secretly with Ballard about an escape plan. Initially, something stands in their way. A scourge of hideous reptiles endowed with surprising intelligence has been plaguing China. These fiendish creatures show up every 60 years with regularity, and a queen supervises their activities by means of sound vibrations. As Strategist Wang (Andy Lau of "Infernal Affairs") explains it, these carnivores have been terrorizing China for 22 centuries because one emperor wallowed in greed so wanton that a meteor crashed into a mountain and unleashed this pestilence. Consequently, the Chinese constructed the 'Great Wall' to contend with this blight, but they have achieved only minimal success, despite having an arsenal gun powder that they deploy in explosives of various dimensions. Furthermore, these beasts, with eyes located in their shoulders and heads bristling with a porcupine of deadly teeth, have learned over the years how to adapt to the strategies that the Chinese have devised to kill them. William finds himself at a turning point during this predicament. He discovers that fighting for wealth no longer motivates him as an individual. Instead, he learns from the noble Numberless Order that trust supersedes money. Meantime, all Tovar wants is to escape with Ballard; Ballard has been plotting his escape, and he has a route and parcels of the explosive black powder to take back to Europe. During a confrontation on the wall with these monsters, General Shao is mortally wounded by a Tao Tei, and he passes command of the army to Lin Mae. Lin Mae finds herself in an even worse situation than General Shao because the Tao Tei have figured out that it is the cities rather than the great wall where they should concentrate their energy. The Tao Tei stop attacking the wall and swarm off to the capital like an inexorable horde to eat the emperor. The evil Tao Tei queen with her tiara and her inner circle of lizard bodyguards that sprout shields to protect her is truly hilarious. Lin Mae and a few select soldiers pilot ancient balloons to fly to the capital to save the Emperor. William decides to risk his life on this perilous expedition while Tovar and Ballard escape with quantities of gun powder. Despite being the most expensive Chinese movie ever produced with a distinguished cast of Asian actors, "The Great Wall" resembles something that the goofy SyFy Channel would have cooked up to top its sophomoric "Sharknado" sagas.

FILM REVIEW OF ''GODS OF EGYPT'' (2016)

Hollywood has always suffered from a jaundiced perception of reality that creates discontent about its films, and “Dark City” director Alexis Proyas’ superficial sword & sorcery saga “Gods of Egypt” (**1/2 OUT OF ****) is the latest casualty.  Anybody who followed the pre-release controversy surrounding this $140 million spectacle about Egyptian mythology knows that the pillars of political correctitude have criticized it savagely it for its largely all-white cast.  Comparably, “Alien” director Ridley Scott contended with the same criticism of his Biblical epic “Exodus: Gods and Kings” for its essentially Caucasian cast.  Scott claimed he couldn’t find bankable actors of color or ethnicity to portray his characters so his film could recoup its multi-million dollar budget.  “Gods of Egypt” director Alexis Proyas and Summit Entertainment, the studio that released this 127 minute extravaganza, apologized about their whitewashed cast before the film’s release.  Nevertheless, this isn’t the first time Hollywood has clashed with the politically correct about casting the appropriate actor and actress.  Most recently, the botched fairy-tale fantasy “Pan” cast Mara Rooney as a Native American character when she was anything but Native American.  Films better and worse than “Gods of Egypt” have drawn flak from the Politically Correct fraction.  “Birth of a Nation,” “Cleopatra,” “Prince of Persia,” “Argo,” and “A Beautiful Mind” exemplify popular Hollywood films that violated the tenets of political correctness.  Casting celebrity actors rather than unknown native counterparts to attract audiences is the primary reason.  Clark Gable was far from British when he starred in “Mutiny on the Bounty” back in 1935.  Of course, a British actor would have been more credible, but Hollywood wanted a genuine star instead of an authentic Englishman.  John Wayne was miscast as the Asian warlord Genghis Khan when he appeared in "The Conqueror" in 1956.  Hollywood concerns itself about making money more than abiding by political correctness.  Occasionally, however, a Hollywood producer appeared, like Mel Gibson, who defied traditional casting protocol.  In his adventure epic “Apocalypto” (2006), Gibson hired Native American actor Rudy Youngblood to play a Mayan warrior.  Happily, Youngblood was conversant enough with speaking in Mayan to make the difference work.  In “Gods of Egypt,” Gerard Butler could have eliminated his Scottish accent, but the political incorrectness of his casting prompted neither Proyas nor Summit to recast another actor.  Indeed, miscast as he is, Butler remains a highly sought-after actor and his bankability as a star enhanced the box office potential for this mythological melodrama.

The larger-than-life exploits in “Gods of Egypt” occur before the dawn of dynastic history, and all of it is preposterously outlandish.  “Dracula Untold” and “The Last Witch Hunter” scenarists Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless appropriated the Egyptian myth "The Contendings of Horus and Set" as their source material.  Pitting the gods Set and Horus against each other with the throne of Egypt as the prize, Sazama and Sharpless have forged an above-average, often contrived, but nevertheless entertaining escapade.  Indeed, they recycle familiar conventions, but they have enlivened these shenanigans with a surprise or two.  Proyas, who also helmed “The Crow” and “I, Robot,” never lets the pace slacken, and he stages some compelling close-quarters combat sequences.   Of course, we know the young mortal heroine, Zaya (Courtney Eaton of “Mad Max: Fury Road”), never stands a chance of being condemned to death in the Underworld.  The images of the Underworld look pretty creepy as a group of living skeletons preside over the induction process.  Similarly, you also know the Egyptian Lord of the Air, Horus (Danish actor Nikolaj Coster-Waldau of “Game of Thrones”), is going to reclaim his throne that his treacherous uncle, Set (Gerard Butler of “300”), took from him after he tore Horus’ eyes out and forced him into exile.  Not only did villainous Set steal the crown from Horus, but he also stabbed Horus’ noble father Osiris (Bryan Brown of “FX”) to death in front of everybody at Horus’ coronation.  Mind you, you need not avert your eyes because this lavishly produced, PG-13 rated movie depicts these depredations in a manner shouldn’t offend anybody.   Despite some grandiosely choreographed battle sequences, “Gods of Egypt” never wallows in blood and gore.  Everything unfolds as our charismatic young hero, an “Aladdin” like thief named Bek (Brenton Thwaites of “Maleficent”), steals a dress for his gorgeous girlfriend, Zaya, so she can attend Horus’ coronation in the height of fashion.  After Set halts the coronation, murders Orisis, and then blinds Horus, Zaya finds herself enslaved to the evil Grand Architect Urshu (Rufus Sewell of “Dark City”), but she concocts a plan so Bek can steal back Horus’ eyes and restore him to his rightful position as monarch.  Urshu surprises them and kills poor Zaya with a well-aimed arrow.  A desperate Bek appeals to Horus to save Zaya. The lofty Lord of the Air calculates that he can save her before she reaches the ninth gate of the Underworld.  Secretly, Horus isn’t being entirely truthful to Bek.  Meantime, Horus’ grandfather, the Sun God Ra (Geoffrey Rush of “Shine”), wages a never ending battle against a toothy titanic worm with which Set seeks to destroy Egypt so he can acquire immortality in life. 

Most of what occurs is stuff you’ve seen before in movies celebrating legendary Greek gods, such as “Clash of the Titans,” “Wrath of the Titans,” and “The Immortals.”  The Egyptian settings, however, add novelty to this narrative.  The deserts of Australia stand-in splendidly for the Sahara Desert. The computer-generated imagery is truly exceptional, with some of the best 3-D effects.  At times, when you are admiring some of these over-the-top shenanigans, “Gods of Egypt” feels like an awesome guilty pleasure. Despite its politically incorrect casting, “Gods of Egypt” qualifies as exciting from start to finish. The spectacular CGI laden effects are dazzling enough to compensate for its standard-issue, formulaic conventions.  The shape-shifting gods who tower above mere mortals reminded me of the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy and the “Transformers” franchise.  Some scenes that invite derision involve characters riding humongous, fire-breathing snakes or Set soaring above a battle in a sleigh pulled by giant scarab beetles.  Sadly, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau emerges as a rather lackluster hero, while Butler overshadows him in every scene. Altogether, “Gods of Egypt” is lightweight but enjoyable hokum.

FILM REVIEW OF ''I, FRANKENSTEIN" (2014)

A cleverly reimagined but lightweight horror chiller, “I, Frankenstein” (*** OUT OF ****) qualifies as an entertaining, PG-13 rated, supernatural saga about the further adventures of the infamous monster.  “Tomorrow, When the War Began” writer & director Stuart Beattie and “Underworld” scenarist Kevin Grevioux, who wrote the Darkstorm Studios graphic novel prequel, have forged a fast-moving fantasy that borrows from the “Underworld” franchise, “Legion,” “Priest,” “Batman,” and “Constantine.”  Unlike previous “Frankenstein” films, however, “I, Frankenstein” occurs in a contemporary setting after a brief 18^th century prologue.  Our stitched together protagonist finds himself caught between an order of virtuous Gargoyles and wicked Demons in an apocalyptic battle for the fate of Earth.  Essentially, with regard to Biblical time-lines, the action takes place after the fall of Satan.  Leading man Aaron Eckhart has definitely surpassed himself not only with his chiseled, six-pack physique as the centuries old monster, but also with a haunted performance that evokes sympathy for the anti-heroic monster.  Mind you, Frankenstein’s monster remains a treacherous character, rough-hewn-around-the-edges, without a twinkle in his gimlet eyes.  When Eckhart isn’t striking a cool, anti-heroic pose,  Bill Nighy’s nefarious villain-in-charge mesmerizes us with another polished performance.  Naturally, Nighy is cast as the supreme Demon, Prince Naberius, who looks quite a sight when he shape-shifts into a Demon.  Listening to this seasoned British actor deliver his dialogue with a succulent relish for each syllable is a treat in itself.  Meantime, director Beattie stages several exciting entrances and exits by both the Gargoyles and our hero.  Heroes and villains love to plunge through ceilings like Michael Keaton did as the Caped Crusader in the 1989 “Batman.”  The close-quarters combat sequences are reminiscent of “Priest” (2011) with the monster wielding two-and-a-half foot-long sticks.  The settings and the costumes imbue the action with atmosphere.  “Wolverine” director of photography Ross Emery makes everything appear visually resplendent, particularly when Demons die in battle.  When a Demon dies, its body glows incandescently and then erupts into fireballs.

“I, Frankenstein” picks up Mary Shelley’s classic narrative thread and then ushers its immortal monster into a contemporary setting.  In voice-over narration, the grim monster provides us with all the important details about Victor Frankenstein (Aden Young of “Black Robe”) and his success with reanimating dead tissue.  So disgusted did Frankenstein feel about what he had created from eight corpses and brought to life using electric eels that he bundled it up and dumped it into a river.  Nevertheless, the monster managed to survive, and it murdered Frankenstein’s wife.  Frankenstein pursued the blasphemous creation into the frozen wilderness, but the mad scientist succumbed to the elements before he could dispatch the monster.  Afterward, the notorious Prince Naberius (Bill Nighy of “Underworld”) learned about the monster and included him in his ambitious plans to resurrect an army of Demons confined in Hell.  He appoints Zuriel (Socratis Otto of “Gone”) to capture the monster after the latter has buried his creator.  Two Gargoyles intervene on the monster’s behalf as the Demons challenge him at his father’s burial site.  After repulsing the Demons, Frankenstein’s monster finds himself airlifted by the Gargoyles to a cathedral where he meets their matriarch.  Queen Leonore (Miranda Ott of “War of the Worlds”) refuses to let her brawny second-in-command, Gideon (Jai Courtney of “Jack Reacher”), slay the monster.  Instead, she names the monster “Adam.”  Could anything have been less  symbolic?  She explains that the Gargoyles and the Demons have been waging an eternal war that mankind knows nothing about despite the high body count on both sides.  At the same time, Naberius has fooled two scientists into working for his cause to replicate Frankenstein’s success with bringing the dead back to life.  Naturally, Terra (lovely Yvonne Strahovski of “Killer Elite”) dismisses the legend of Frankenstein as hokum.  Eventually, she comes face-to-face with reality when she meets not only Adam but also peruses Frankenstein’s journal.  Mind you, “I, Frankenstein” emphasizes thrilling, athletic action set-pieces so our hero and heroine have no time to enjoy intimacy in a romantic sense.  Terra spends her time sewing up part of Adam’s back when he isn’t rescuing her as a damsel-in-distress from Prince Naberius’ minions.  For the record, Naberius’ chief henchman, the hulking Dekar, who speaks in a voice that sounds like it comes from the pit of Hell itself, is played by writer Kevin Grevioux!

“I, Frankenstein” is a good movie, but it suffers from several shortcomings.  First, exposition dominates the action.  Any time you conjure up a fantasy world, you must explain who is who and what is what.  Virtually every other line of dialogue serves to explain details.  Director Stuart Beattie and scripter Kevin Grevioux shoehorn in a plethora of information about whom and what into this lean and mean movie that takes up less than 90 minutes when you subtract the end credits.  Incidentally, you need not sit out the end credits for fear of missing any additional scenes.  Nonetheless, some of their exposition must have hit the editing room floor.  For example, we are told neither how the monster acquired his superhuman strength nor his immortality.  Between the times that Adam finds his creator frozen in the snow and encounters Terra, more than two hundred years have passed!  Second, the visual effects are lackluster.  The Demons look like they don Halloween masks when they transform and the Gargoyles look pretty hokey as they hover in flight by flapping their reptilian wings.  Presumably, the $69-million budget went to other things.  Happily, Beattie and Grevioux discarded everything else about the traditional Frankenstein monster’s hideous appearance from the original movies.  He doesn’t have bolts protruding from his neck.  He doesn’t stomp around like a sleep-walking soldier and he speaks in complete sentences.  He is more like Robert De Niro’s monster in “Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein” (1994) because he possesses intelligence.  Altogether, despite some obvious weaknesses, “I, Frankenstein” is a lot of fun to watch, and I enjoyed it so much that I saw it a second time.

REVIEW OF ''WRATH OF THE TITANS" (2012)

If you applauded the larger-than-life heroics in “Clash of the Titans,” you’ll probably embrace the derivative exploits “Wrath of the Titans” (**1/2 out of ****) delivers in less time than the original.  Greek mythology tales have never really gone out of fashion. The spectacle of warriors wielding weapons forged by the gods against supernatural monsters reached its zenith during the early 1960s when the Italians produced a plethora of sword and sandal sagas about Hercules, Goliath, Maciste, and Samson.  These epic adventures didn’t take themselves as seriously as their contemporary counterparts have. Most recently, “Troy” (2004), “Alexander,” (2004), “300” (2006), “Clash of the Titans” (2010), and “Immortals” (2011) have been released. “Wrath of the Titans” qualifies as an above-average entry in the CGI special effects laden genre where gods, men, and monsters scrimmage.  Don’t confuse “Wrath of the Titans” with last year’s similarly themed “Immortals.”  Comparatively, the two PG-13 rated “Titans” spectacles are considerably less savage and sadistic than “Immortals.”  While “Clash of the Titans” served as an origins epic, “Wrath” concerns most of the same characters about ten years later. 

In “Clash of the Titans,” the infant demigod Perseus was condemned to die with his mother in a casket plunged into the sea.  Miraculously, Perseus survived.  A humble fisherman, Spyros (Pete Postlethwaite), rescued Perseus and adopted him.  As he grew up, Perseus shunned the gods until Zeus recruited him to save the city of Argos.  Hades, the cruel god of the Tartarus, loosened the legendary sea monster the Kraken with Zeus’ blessing to destroy the city of Argo if the citizens didn’t sacrifice Andromeda.  Defiantly, Perseus and several Argos soldiers embarked on a quest for anything which would enable them to kill the Kraken.  Ultimately, our resourceful hero tangled with the malevolent Medusa.  Half-woman and half-snake, this deadly dame had scores of vipers sprouting from her head rather than curls.  A mere glance at Medusa’s face would petrify any mortal.  Ingeniously, Perseus found a way to decapitate Medusa without eyeballing her.  Perseus saved Princess Andromeda from a fate worse than death and defeated the enormous creature with Medusa’s head. 

“Battle Los Angeles” director Jonathan Liebesman’s “Wrath of the Titans” emerges as a polished but predictable fantasy that imitates its predecessor.  Everybody who made “Clash” doesn’t show up for “Wrath.”  Happily, Sam Worthington returns as Zeus’ rebellious son Perseus who wants little to do with his all-powerful patriarch.  Instead of a boot camp cut, Perseus has a perm that makes him look like Gordon Scott of “Goliath” fame.  Perseus prefers to fish on the seas instead of parade around Mount Olympus.  Despite the tragic death of his wife Io (Gemma Arterton) in “Clash of the Titans,” Perseus has a son, ten-year old Helius (John Bell of “Battleship”), to raise alone.  Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, and Danny Huston reappear respectively as Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon.  Rosamund Pike replaces Alexa Davalos as Andromeda.  This time around Andromeda is more pugnacious.  Decked out in combat regalia, she leads her army into battle against the Titans.  The biggest difference now is that the gods are losing their power because humans aren’t praying to them.  Places of worship lay in ruins. When humanity doesn’t offer prayers to the gods, the power of gods wane, and “Wrath of the Titans” marks a turning point in the franchise.  

If the third entry in the “Titans” franchise—“Revenge of the Titans”--materializes, Zeus and company may appear only as memories.  Presumably, Hades won’t be able to summon another colossal beast from the bowels of the Underworld.  Like its predecessor, “Wrath of the Titans” concerns father and son issues as well as brother versus brother scores.  We learn that Zeus and company endured quite a family feud that ended with them imprisoning their evil father Kronos in Tartarus.  Essentially, Kronos constitutes the equivalent of the Kraken.  Since all blockbusters struggle to top each other, “Wrath of the Titans” pits Perseus against Kronos. Kronos doesn’t want to demolish a single city.  He wants to wipe out mankind.  Whereas the Kraken was a giant sea beast, Kronos is a towering fire god.  Scenarists Dan Mazeau, David Leslie Johnson, and Greg Berlanti make Kronos the equivalent of a lava-spewing volcano.  Earlier, the Kraken made a pretty formidable foe.  One glance at Kronos, however, is enough to make you change your underwear . Imagine what Hellboy would look like if he were the size of Optimus Prime in the “Transformers” movies, and you’ll have a good idea how this immense fiend stacks up to ordinary mortals.

Perseus sets out with Poseidon's illegitimate offspring, Agenor (Toby Kebbell of “RocknRolla”), and Queen Andromeda (Pike) to not only rescue Zeus but also to destroy Kronos.  Earlier, the treacherous Hades and Ares (Édgar Ramírez of “Domino”) double-crossed Zeus and imprisoned him in the Underworld.  Our heroes embark on a scavenger hunt for items.  Along the way, they confront a couple of angry Cyclops and take a beating from them until they befriend them as they did with the giant scorpions named Scorpiochs.  Agenor helps Perseus find the fallen god Hephaestus (Bill Nighy of " Valkyrie "), and Hephaestus shows them the best way to enter Tartarus since he designed it. Eventually, Perseus learns that he must synthesize Zeus’ Thunderbolt, Hades' Pitchfork, and Poseidon’s Trident as a weapon to vanquish Kronos.  In “Star Wars” fashion, our protagonist must take a fiery ride on Pegasus down Kronos’ gullet to dispense the fatal blow.  

“Wrath of the Titans” is amusing hokum.  The stupendous CGI special effects make this 99-minute opus worth watching.  Perseus cuts his teeth on the Chimera. This two-headed, airborne beast with a snake head on its tail attacks him first and then he tackles a couple of towering Cyclops. The maze that our indestructible hero blunders through is more interesting than the Minotaur which he dehorns.  Liebesman stages these audacious battles with vim and vigor.  Perseus looks woebegone by the time he delivers the death blow to his adversary.  “Wrath of the Titans” tops “Clash of the Titans.”

FILM REVIEW OF ''ALIEN ARMAGEDDON" (2011)

"Battlespace" writer & director Neil Johnson’s derivative, low-budget science fiction thriller “Alien Armageddon” (* out of ****) chronicles a breed of Martian invaders, ‘the Nephilim,’ who dominate planet Earth for 67 historic days. These hostile intruders establish their headquarters in Los Angeles after subjugating the Earth and then rely on our own scientists to modify our DNA so that we become fodder for them. You see, these ravenous monsters had to abandon their famine-stricken world. Actually, the villainous Nephilim have been quietly infiltrating Earth for many decades, acquiring knowledge about our character and culture. The computer generated special effects imagery of the alien armada during the first ten minutes looks like something out of a black & white graphic novel. This fleet of spacecraft, which resemble naval vessels, hover as if they were vultures over every major city. The lackluster battle sequences are comprised of ersatz mushroom cloud explosions and flashes inserted in photographs of California and other overseas locales. Johnson shakes his camera to give the fake explosions some impact. The Nephilim infantry look like distant cousins of the "Star Wars" robot C3PO. Decked out in metal football shoulder pads and breast-plates bristling with hoses, these soldiers shoulder deadly automatic weapons but they aren't too bright. When humans are struck by Nephilim ordnance, they dissolve into a splatter of blood and momentarily obstruct the camera lens. Not surprisingly, the nefarious extraterrestrials conquer and enslave humanity by the forty-fourth day or roughly the first half-hour of the action. Some of the treacherous humans, desperate to survive, turn into quislings, while the incarcerated humans are fed a diet of contaminated food which makes them edible to the aliens.

Johnson begins the action with a quotation from the Book of Enoch (10:9-10:15) out of the Apocrypha. "The Lord said to Gabriel: Proceed against the bastards, and the reprobates, and the sons of the fornicators, and destroy the sons of the Watchers from amongst men . . . bind them for seventy generations . . . Semyaza, the leader, will be destroyed with them. And destroy the Nephilim for they have wronged men." Following this quotation, Johnson employs horror icon Christopher Lee to provide some dramatic voice-over narration: "In ages past, the Nephilim Empire ruled the Earth, but they fell from grace. Once their slaves, Humanity rose up and defeated their gods. The Nephilim were purged from the earth and banished to the darkness. For centuries, they watched and waited. The Nephilim Empire would one day rise again." Afterward, Johnson introduces the hero, Cowboy (Don Scribner of "Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity"), who wears hair long and speaks through a grizzled beard. Cowboy is a convict at Folsom State Prison where he is serving time for the murder of his son and twenty-eight passengers on a bus. When a television reporter asks why he killed his son, Cowboy replies cryptically, "Boy had to die. He was cancer." Johnson cross cuts between this TV interview with Cowboy and the blitzkreig attack launched by the Nephilim against Earth. Later, dressed in an orange prison jump suit, Cowboy appears without explanation outside Folsom and takes the keys to an SUV from the corpse of its driver.

Our heroine is a feisty Jewish red-head, Jodie Elliot (British actress Katharine McEwan of "Sinners"), who operates a printing shop in contemporary Los Angeles. She is contending with a disgruntled customers who wants a discount when the alien ships appear over the city. The customer describes the ships erroneously as hot-air balloons, but Jodie fears the worst is about to happen. After the aliens have taken over Los Angeles and built a wall around the metropolis, Jodie joins an underground resistance movement. Eventually, the Nephilim ferret out her hiding place and capture her. Jodie shares a skyscraper prison cell with an African-American soldier, Markus (Benjamin J. Cain Jr. of "Dogma") and white, Catholic, B-2 Spirit bomber pilot Sheen (William David Tulin of "KingBreaker") who nuked Chicago before the Nephilim could make it their headquarters. An electronic force field substitutes for iron bars on the entrance of their cell, and she suffers a jolt when she tries to penetrate it. They dine on slop out of black plastic buckets and relieve themselves into a small foot locker. The meat that they are given is so vile that they puke it up, but this is all they are allowed to eat.

Meantime, Cowboy links up with another resistance unit. He sports a duster now with a Stetson riding low on his forehead. The Nephilim capture him after a firefight in the desert. Not long afterward, he winds up in the same cell with Jodie. Our heroine wants desperately to break out and rejoin her daughter who resides in the small town of Little Rock, California. She watches in horror as her cell mates are dragged off to become brunch. At one point, Jodie manages to escape briefly and witnesses a harrowing scene when a pregnant female inmate strapped down to a bed gives birth to several chunks of flesh. All along, two scientists Franci (Rochelle Vallese of "Scar") and Dr. Brenna (Julia Parker of "Girl Crazy") have been collaborating with the Nephilim to make humanity more palatable for their extraterrestrial taste buds. Once the Nephilim have used Franci, they stick her in the same cell with our heroes. The Nephilim take Markus and feed him to a flesh eating zombie like creature. Jodie, Franci, and Cowboy escape when Jodie stages a bout of illness. The girls head for Little Rock, but Jodie doesn’t find her daughter. Cowboy later rejoins them after commandeering an alien interceptor aircraft.

Meantime, Franci injects Jodie with some strange serum so that she becomes a bio-medical weapon against the Nephilim. Franci rhapsodizes about the pleasures of masquerading as a human and all the feelings that life has evoked for her. Predictably, she dies. Eventually, humanity triumphs over the Martian invaders. Before this occurs, we get to see revolting shots of giant, beady, orange slugs with pincers gnawing on the flesh and bones of decaying humans. Before Franci dispatches Jodie on her sacrificial mission to save mankind, they indulging in a lingering lesbian lip-lock. Jodie neither pukes nor repels Franci. Johnson concludes with another quotation from Enoch 16:1. "And the death of the Nephilim, and wherever the spirits have left their bodies, their flesh will be destroyed, before the judgement. They will be banished until the Day of the Great Consumption and this also will stand against the Watchers and all those who are impious."

"Alien Armageddon" qualifies as an abominable opus with shoddy storytelling, sketchy characters, second-rate special effects, subpar dialogue, and shallow acting. Little about this below-average sci-fi saga is either groundbreaking or sensational. The occasional clashes between Nephilim infantry and earthlings enliven the exposition heavy narrative, and the few revelations in this predictable, standard-issue invasion flick lack impact. The Nephilim chieftain looks menacing enough with his cadaverous, predatory complexion, but Johnson doesn't permit him adequate screen time to create more than a fleeting impression. Basically, this sci-fi actioneer spends more time on Earth than in the heavens. Clocking in at 95 interminable minutes, “Alien Armageddon” makes “Wing Commander” look like “Star Wars.”

FILM REVIEW OF ''THE THING" (2011)

First-time Danish helmer Matthijs van Heijningen’s remake of the legendary 1951 creature-feature “The Thing from Another World” qualifies as formulaic but respectable nonsense. The original “Thing” preserved only vestiges of author John W. Campbell’s vintage 1938 short story “Who Goes There?” Instead, producer Howard Hawks, “His Girl Friday” scenarist Charles Lederer, and Hawks’ long-time editor Christian Nyby created the conventional alien-on-the-rampage plot at an isolated, snow-swept, scientific outpost in the Arctic. Not only did “The Thing from Another World” constitute one of Hollywood’s earliest epics to depict extraterrestrials, but it also was the first with a hostile alien devoid of compassion. The original “Thing” alien was a towering homicidal humanoid with the cellular structure of a vegetable who gave the scientists and the U.S.A.F personnel a royal headache before they manage to isolate its weakness and electrocute it.

In 1982, “Halloween” director John Carpenter and writer Bill Lancaster produced a sequel where survivors from the initial tragedy encountered a nearby community of scientists. The shape-shifting alien invader entered their camp as a Yukon husky and mayhem ensued. Instead of contending with a humanoid creature, the guys in “The Thing” confronted an ugly beast with tentacles, huge teeth, and a bad attitude that absorbed its victims and then impersonated them. The monster remained in one body until he shifted to another host. Consequently, nobody trusted anybody. Trapped in a remote outpost in Antarctica, the characters suffered from extreme paranoia. Principally, they suspected that one of their own had been cloned and threatened to not only kill them but also clone them. Van Heijningen and “Final Destination 5” scenarist Eric Heisserer have appropriated the complicated Carpenter and Lancaster approach rather than the straightforward, single alien invasion plot. Nevertheless, Heijningen and Heisserer have altered a thing or two. First, the hero of the new “Thing” (*** out of ****) is a woman. Second, the way our heroes test to determine the presence of the alien differs. Third, no equivalent to Dr. Carrington in the original exists in the group of scientists. If you recall, Dr. Carrington represented the fraction of scientists who did not want to destroy the Thing. Instead, they wanted to reason with it and learn from it. Mind you, the new “Thing” isn’t as creepy as Carpenter’s masterpiece with its abundant atmosphere, memorable Ennio Morricone score, and charismatic cast. Nevertheless, Heijningen and Heisserer deserve recognition for their fidelity to the source material and the sequel. Of course, it doesn’t hurt matters that two of the producers on Carpenter’s “Thing” also produced this remake.

“The Thing” takes place in Antarctica during the winter of 1982. Arrogant Dr. Sander Halvorson (Ulrich Thomsen of “Season of the Witch”) persuades a top-notch graduate student, American paleontologist Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead of “Black Christmas”), into joining his Norwegian geological expedition. She accepts and finds herself freezing her toes off while the guys show her their top-secret discovery. They have found a gigantic alien spacecraft entombed in the ice for possibly a hundred-thousand years. The first scene shows how they plunged a snow-plow into a crevasse and found it. Unlike the original film, these scientists stumble onto the spacecraft deep in the ice, but they do not blow it up accidentally. Like the original, they locate the mysterious body of an alien that ejected from the crashed spaceship only to freeze. Carefully, they remove it from the ice and stash it in their research facility for examination. Eventually, the ice thaws, and the monster escapes. Our heroes realize that they are contending with a deadly alien and wield flame-throwers. They start to worry during an early autopsy when it becomes apparent that the creature can spit out replicas of their colleagues. Things reach a crisis point, and nobody trusts anybody, until the savvy Kate figures out that the alien cannot replicate inanimate objects. If an individual wears jewelry, has metal appliances surgically attached to their bones, or/and silver fillings in their teeth, the Thing cannot replicate these items. Unfortunately, some of the scientists don’t have silver fillings. They have porcelain ones. Ultimately, everything boils down to a suspenseful game of cat and mouse. Happily, Van Heijningen and Heisserer drum up an adequate number of scares to keep you poised on the edge. Moviegoers who don’t do horror movies might find “The Thing” a bit more demanding. In one scene, a gash appears in one character’s face, runs down his chest toward his stomach as both open wide like a mouth and elephant tusk-sized teeth sprout accompanied by a hideous howl.

Creature designer Michael Broom of “The Mist” and “Predators” has conjured up several memorable creatures. At one point, the alien absorbs two men so that it looks like a two-headed transplant walking on its arms and legs like a wolf. During another scene, a forearm detaches from one individual and attaches itself by the forearm to another fellow’s face and starts to graft itself onto the man’s face! When the monster is in its own ghastly form, it can project a slimy-looking tentacle that penetrates flesh and bone like a spear. Once the tentacle has perforated an individual’s back, its tip emerges from the chest and deploys into a four-pronged, grappling hook that retracts its victim into its voracious maw. The worst thing that you can say about the new “Thing” is that nobody delivers any memorable lines of dialogue, and the cast lacks the charisma of the first two movies. Suffice to say, all those Norwegian fellows look and sound identical with little individuality among them. Happily, they don’t turn Mary Elizabeth Winstead into a sexy Ripley from “Alien” clone. Joel Edgerton plays a resilient helicopter pilot who is reminiscent of Kurt Russell’s hero in the sequel. Shrewdly, Heijningen paces the appearance of the alien for maximum impact and predictably ratchets up the action in the final quarter. Like the Carpenter classic, the remake shuns humor. Ultimately, although it is a remake of the 1951 “Thing,” the new “Thing” shares more in common with Carpenter’s “Thing.” Despite the sense of déjà vu that accompanies this polished production, “The Thing” lacks the turbo-driven fright of Carpenter’s sequel, but it scores major points with its impressive CGI creature designs.

FILM REVIEW OF "GREEN LANTERN" (2011)

My favorite cinematic adaptations of costume-clad, comic-book, crime-fighters vary. The Christopher Reeve “Superman” (1978) tops my list followed by its sequel “Superman II” (1980), then “Iron Man” (2008), “Spider-man” (2002), “Batman Begins” (2005), “The Dark Knight” (2008), “X-Men” (2000), “X2” (2003), “Fantastic Four” (2005), and “X-Men: First Class” (2011). Interestingly, Marvel Comics has enjoyed greater success with their cinematic adaptations than their DC rivals. Since I grew up perusing DC Comics, I have a soft spot for DC heroes and their classic simplicity compared with more sophisticated but fascinating origins of the Marvel Comics mutants. Each of these films exhibits ambitious artistry and sets the gold standard for heroes, villains, and stories. Sure, the Michael Keaton “Batman” movies were entertaining, but “Batman” didn’t reach the gold standard until Christopher Nolan took over the helm from quirky Tim Burton and middle-of-the-road Joel Schumacher. Typically, a great costume-clad, comic-book, crime-fighter flick boasts the illusion of realism despite its outlandish, larger-than-life quality. The hero should be vulnerable without being weak. Meaning, he, she, or it should have an Achilles’ heel. Indeed, there should be a reasonable chance that they could die if all the planets and/or circumstances could align for such a contingency. Furthermore, the villains should not only threaten the hero and the heroine but also they should threaten people’s lives. Again, a reasonable chance should exist that the villains could destroy Earth, the universe, etc. Spectacular production values, suspenseful and surprising scripting, sympathetic heroes, menacing villains, and an impressive arena for them to display their powers contribute to making great costume-clad, comic-book, crime-fighting films.

“GoldenEye” director Martin Campbell’s “Green Lantern” (*** out of ****) qualifies as a good costume-clad, comic-book, crime-fighter flick. No, it doesn’t surpass any of those aforementioned epics. Nonetheless, “Green Lantern” is worth-watching, at least once, even in 3-D. Twice wouldn’t be intolerable for the 2-D version. Thrice might be pushing it. Happily, this lavish, $200-million, FX-fueled, DC entry in the summer crime-fighter sweepstakes neither takes itself too seriously nor wears out its welcome at 114 minutes. This super hero spectacle about a guy-in-a-green suit who can hurl himself through air and space is entertaining but lightweight fare. Scenarists Greg Berlanti of “Dawson’s Creek,” Michael Green of “Smallville,” and “Harry Potter and the Order of the Golden Phoenix” scribes Marc Guggenheim and Michael Goldenberg pour their considerable creativity into the plot. They keep the action and characters lively enough while delivering a solid origins story. Prepare yourself for a glut of exposition that bristles with more than enough details to keep you attentive. The sympathetic Ryan Reynolds hero shows strong potential, but neither Blake Lively nor he get a chance to generate much romantic sizzle in this PG-13 outing. The aliens and the other worlds make the grade in terms of visual splendor. Watching the scenes featuring aliens reminded me of the original “Star Wars.” Despite the presence of oddball aliens with radically different color scheme complexions, “Green Lantern” never slips into parody. Campbell maintains a fine balance between the dramatic and comedic elements when his writers and he aren’t immersing us with expository background information about Green Lantern mythology.

For the record, this DC Comics hero debuted July 1940 in “All-American Comics.” Long before the Earth was created, the immortal Guardians of the Universe supervised an intergalactic police force known as the Green Lantern Corps. These Guardians resemble those squat, bubble-headed football dolls because they are so diminutive, but they sit up high on lofty towers on the planet Oa. These Guardians have divided the galaxy into 3,600 sectors, with one Green Lantern per sector. The Green Lanterns are like Texas Rangers. Anyway, a Green Lantern wears an emerald green ring. This jaded jewelry provides them with powers limited only by their imagination. If there is one quality above all that a first-class Green Lantern must possess, he, she or it must lack fear. The first incarnation of the "Green Lantern" character lasted until 1949. In those days, before DC turn over the comic in a merger, the “Green Lantern” was railroad engineer Alan Scott. When DC rebooted “Green Lantern” in 1949, he became daredevil test-pilot Hal Jordan. Although the Alan Scott/Green Lantern character sounds more interesting, Campbell and his scribes have appropriated the Hal Jordan hero. Essentially, they have replicated Hal’s origins as the guy-in-green. Our hero receives his status and power as a Green Lantern when a dying alien, purple-faced Abin Sur of Sector 2814 (Temuera Morrison of “Vertical Limit”), crashes on Earth after battling Parallax. Abin Sur’s Green Lantern ring seeks out Hal. Apparently, this ring is drawn only to the individual that it deems worthy of wearing it. When “Green Lantern” opens, a former Guardian who has turned into a super villain called Parallax has escaped, fatally wounded Abin Sur, and sets out to ultimately destroy Earth and later the Guardians using fear as its chief weapon.

Naturally, Ferris Aircraft test pilot Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds of "Buried") is flabbergasted when the ring chooses him. As it turns out, Hal is the first human to be a Green Lantern, and his pointy-eared mentor Thaal Sinestro (Mark Strong of “Stardust”) lacks confidence in him. Moreover, Hal has little confidence in himself, but he proves himself an excellent if not unorthodox test pilot. During an early scene, Hal out-flies two unmanned aircraft by flying above their altitude. This recklessness nearly killed him, but he beat the two jets. In this respect, "Green Lantern" recalls a similar scene from "Iron Man." Meanwhile, milquetoast biology professor Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard of “Boys Don’t Cry”), is called in to conduct an autopsy on Abin Sur's remains. During the autopsy, Hammond is infected by some of the DNA that Parallax left in Sur’s corpse. Parallax is the villain in "Green Lantern." Suffice to say, Parallax was a Guardian of the Universe who was lured away from the green force of will-power to the yellow force of fear. Parallax killed Abin Sur, and the soul-sucking Parallax wants to wipe out the ancient Guardians and Earth. Consequently, Hector acquires both Parallax's telepathic as well as telekinetic powers, but it costs him his sanity. Eventually, Hal and Hector battle over childhood sweetheart Carol Ferris (Blake Lively of “The Town”) who recognizes Hal even when he wears green. The confrontation at the Ferris Aircraft party when nerdy Hector tries to kill his smug father, U.S. Senator Robert Hammond (Tim Robbins), is both amusing and suspenseful.

The “Green Lantern” villains flaw the movie. Mind you, the villains do present a clear and present danger to Hal Jordan. Nevertheless, they appeared to have been hatched from the same galaxy that yielded Tim Burton’s “Mars Attacks.” Indeed, the villains are either hideously deformed mutants or a monstrous supernatural extraterrestrial force that resembles a creature with the human skull and the vaporous body of a shape-shifting octopus. In other words, Parallax amounts to nothing more than CGI hokum. The skull-faced octopus might as well have been a Japanese monster puppet for all the evil that it conjures up. Having great villains makes the difference between a great costume-clad, comic-book, crime-fighter flick and a good costume-clad, comic-book, crime-fighter flick. “Green Lantern” comes up short on villainy. The villains emerge as either blow-hards or half-wits. As one of the villains, Sarsgaard is more fun to watch before his head swells up and he looks like a pigmy with skin disease. Nevertheless, the way that Hal defeats Parallax is not only foreshadowed but also fun. If you wait around patiently during the end credits, you can see who emerges as the next villain for Hal Jordan to fight in the inevitable "Green Lantern" sequel.