FILM REVIEW OF''SEVENTH SON" (2015)

Oscar-winning actor Jeff Bridges has made many memorable movies.  “Thunderbolt & Lightfoot,” “Jagged Edge,” “The Big Lebowski,” “The Fisher King,” “Fearless,” “Against All Odds,” “Men Who Stare at Goats,” “Iron Man,” “True Grit,” and “Crazy Heart” stand out among the more than 60 theatrical features that he has starred in since he started acting back in the 1970s.  Bridges’ latest outing “Seventh Son” (** OUT OF ****) proves that he can make an occasional stinker, too.  Making his English-language film debut, Oscar-nominated Russian director Sergey Bodrov, who helmed the 1997 Tolstoy tale “Prisoners of the Mountains,” has spared no expense in bringing this sprawling but predictable $95-million, medieval fantasy to the screen.  A posse of demon-possessed souls that can turn into voracious supernatural beasts tangle with our venerable hero and his naïve sidekick as the two struggle to vanquish an unforgiving witch.  Interestingly, this larger-than-life adaptation of retired English teacher Joseph Delaney’s young adult novel "The Spook's Apprentice: Revenge of the Witch," the first of fourteen books in his “Wardstone Chronicles,” has generated greater enthusiasm overseas.   Chinese and Russian audiences flocked to it.  Meantime, American audiences have shunned it, and box office analysts have branded this Universal Pictures release as a flop based on its dismal opening weekend receipts of little more than $7 million.

“Seventh Son” opens as the last of the Falcon Knights, Master John Gregory (Jeff Bridges of “TRON”), locks up the malevolent Queen of Witches, Mother Malkin (Julianne Moore of “The Big Lebowski”), in an oubliette in a remote mountain range.  Gregory and Malkin, it seems, once loved each other.  Gregory abandoned Malkin for another woman, and the jealous Malkin killed Gregory’s wife.  Gregory retaliated and imprisoned Malkin for what he thought would be an eternity.  Designated as a ‘Spook,’ Gregory earns his living as a spell-casting, witch-busting, dragon slayer equipped with a flame-throwing staff.  He has dedicated himself tirelessly to the destruction of anything supernatural that frightens common folk.  Despite Gregory’s elaborate precautions, Mother Malkin breaks out of captivity many years later as a result of a centennial lunar event termed ‘the Blood Moon.’  The Blood Moon revitalizes Malkin’s evil powers, enabling this witch to transform into a winged dragon, and flap away to her own mountain-top fortress.  Master Gregory and young apprentice William Bradley (Kit Harington of HBO’s “Game of Thrones”) recapture this diabolical dame with arrows and a silver net.  Unfortunately, Malkin kills poor Bradley, and Gregory must recruit a new apprentice.  Gregory comes across another ‘seventh son of a seventh son,’ Tom Ward (Ben Barnes of “The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian”), a farm boy living in relative obscurity who slops his father’s swine.  Tom reminded me of Luke Skywalker when he appears initially in “Star Wars.”  Anyway, Tom takes advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to escape from a life of drudgery.  Surprisingly enough, Tom had visions of his chance encounter before Gregory actually bargained with his dad to apprentice him.  Meantime, Tom’s doting mother, Mam Ward (Olivia Williams of “Sabotage”), entrusts her son with a unique magical pedant to wear out-of-sight around his neck.  While Gregory tutors Tom about witches, Malkin assembles her own culturally diverse posse of sinister shape-shifters.  Initially, Malkin enlists the aid of her younger sister Bony Lizzie (Antje Traue of “Pandorum”) as well as Bony’s pretty niece Alice (Alicia Vikander of “Ex Machina”), who are witches, too.  Alice beguiles young Tom and keeps the lad hoodwinked for about three-fourths of the film until he wises up about her treachery.  Ultimately, Malkin and her devils lure both Gregory and Tom into her own mountain-top fortress for a fight to the death under a blood red moon.

Essentially, “Seventh Son” suffers from second-rate scripting despite its impressive scribes: “Blood Diamond’s” Charles Leavitt, “Eastern Promises’” Steven Knight and “Reign of Fire’s” Matt Greenberg.  These guys have scrapped most of Delaney’s narrative in favor of something more bombastically cinematic but at the same time hopelessly incoherent.  For example, neither Mother Malkin nor any of her witches mutate into dragons.  Our heroes never ride horses and Gregory doesn’t ride off and leave Tom with his former residence.  Alice doesn’t leave of her own accord; Tom’s mom doesn’t die; and Gregory’s only other friend Tusk works for Mother Malkin. If you loved Delaney’s novel, you will probably abhor “Seventh Son.”  Moreover, the characters in the film lack depth, dimension, and/or decadence.  If you’ve seen “Season of the Witch” with Nicolas Cage and “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” with Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton, you’ll know when to yarn during the formulaic, by-the-numbers, adventures.  Mumbling as if with a mouthful of marbles, a bearded Jeff Bridges appears to be imitating not only his own cantankerous “True Grit” character Rooster Cogburn, but also he channels a combination of Alec Guinness’ Obi-Wan from the original “Star Wars” and Ian McKellen’s Gandalf the Grey from the “Hobbit” movies.  Whereas Obi-Wan and Gandalf emerged as flamboyant, Gregory is far from flamboyant.  His best scene takes place in a tavern where he wields a cup of ale without spilling a drop to thrash a presumptuous swordsman.  Oscar nominated actress Julianne Moore restrains herself as a despicable witch who can morph into an airborne dragon, entwine adversaries with her chain-link tail, and then skewer them without uttering a clever line.  Mind you, this description of Moore’s character sounds like she could have had a blast indulging herself, but she refuses to chew the scenery.  Comparatively, Moore’s lavishly attired, red-haired sorceress is nowhere as audacious as Charlize Theron’s wicked witch in “Snow White and the Huntsman.”  Sadly, secondary leads Ben Barnes and Alicia Vikander generate neither charisma as stock characters nor chemistry as an amorous couple.  Barnes is about as wooden as Hayden Christensen was in the second “Star Wars” trilogy.  Meanwhile, talented thespians like Olivia Williams, Kip Harrington, Djimon Hounsou, and Jason Scott Lee languish on the periphery of this synthetic sword and sorcery saga.  

Although it drums up minimal intensity between fade-in and fade-out, “Seventh Son” boasts some lively combat scenes that the 3-D visual effects enhance.  “Star Wars” visual effects specialist John Dykstra has created several outlandish CGI monsters, but few are terrifying.

The picturesque mountains of British Columbia are as scenic as “Canterbury Tales” production designer Dante Ferretti’s sets are spectacular.  Unfortunately, “Seventh Son” recycles the usual dungeons and dragon shenanigans with little to distinguish it from its prestigious predecessors.

FILM REVIEW OF ''AMERICAN SNIPER" (2014)

In his gritty, 132 minute, R-rated, combat biography “American Sniper” (**** OUT OF ****) producer & director Clint Eastwood treats the life of real-life protagonist Chris Kyle with unmistakable reverence.  This tragic but heroic account of the deadliest sharpshooter in U.S. military history is compelling as well as propelling from fade-in to fade-out.  Similarly, “A-Team” actor Bradley Cooper delivers a career best performance as the legendary Texas native who racked up 160 confirmed kills as a sniper during four tours of duty in Iraq.  Cooper packed on nearly 40 pounds so he could impersonate the beefy Kyle, and the actor assured “Men’s Health” magazine that the 6000 calories-per-day diet that he shoveled down constituted a challenge in itself.  According to “People” magazine, real-life Navy SEAL sniper Kevin Lacz, who fought alongside Kyle, taught Cooper how to handle the sophisticated sniper weaponry.  This sober but never simple-minded saga about the Iraqi war doesn’t so much ponder the polemical politics that prompted America’s participation in the fighting as much as its use as a historical setting.  Indeed, Kyle was gung-ho about serving his country after suicide bombers had blasted the Marine barracks to rubble in Beirut in 1983.  Meantime, people who have read Kyle’s 2012 memoir may complain about some of the liberties that Eastwood and “Paranoia” scenarist Jason Hall have taken in their adaptation of the New York Times bestseller.  Nevertheless, Eastwood has fashioned a realistic but patriotic film with a wrinkle or two that has mesmerized domestic audiences. For example, Kyle believed in what he was doing in Iraq while his younger brother abhorred not only the war but also the country. Eastwood celebrates the sacrifices that these citizens made without turning “American Sniper” into a rabble-rousing, Rambo fantasy.

“American Sniper” opens in Iraq with Navy SEAL sniper Chris Kyle (Bradley Cooper) sprawled belly down on a Fallujah roof-top checking potential threats to the Marines on the street below as they rattle one door after another in search of hostiles.  Initially, Kyle spots a military-age, Iraqi native on a balcony. Chatting on a cell phone, he is watching the troops approach him.  This suspicious fellow vanishes from Kyle’s sight.  Moments later, a mother dressed like an angel of death in black emerges onto the street with her son.  The mother hands her son a grenade, and they approach a tank with troops following it.  Just as Kyle is scrutinizing these two civilians through his sniper scope, his spotter warns him that he could land in the military prison at Fort Leavenworth for shooting friendly civilians.  This issue arises more than once in “American Sniper.”  Civilians in combat zones without a good reason created a quandary because our guys couldn’t be sure who was either sympathetic or unfriendly.  Anyway, as Kyle caresses the trigger of his sniper rifle, Eastwood flashbacks to Kyle’s life as a Texas teen shooting his first deer.  Eastwood and Hall furnish us with a montage of Kyle’s life along with his God-fearing father’s philosophy.  We see Kyle rush to the rescue of his younger brother Jeff on the playground at their elementary school as an obese bully beats up Jeff.  At the dinner table, Kyle’s stern father Wayne (Ben Reed of “Scanner Cop”) categorizes humans into three types: predatory wolves, sheep, and sheepdogs.  Brandishing his rolled up belt for emphasis, Wayne warns them that they will neither be predators nor sheep, but instead sheepdogs.  Wayne promises to punish them for anything less.  During his military service, Chris behaves like a sheepdog.  Repeatedly, he risks his life to save his fellow Marines.  Occasionally, “American Sniper” lightens up and lets you laugh with Chris about his romantic conquests both good and bad.

Aside from a protracted flashback sequence early into the action, “American Sniper” adheres to a conventional, straightforward storyline, chronicling the high points of Kyle’s experiences under fire.  Comparatively, director Peter Berg’s “Lone Survivor” (2013), starring Mark Wahlberg, could serve as a companion piece to “American Sniper.”  The big difference is Bradley Cooper’s SEAL team hero displays no compunctions about shooting kids, whereas Mark Wahlberg’s real-life SEAL team hero Marcus Luttrell couldn’t bring himself to kill an innocent goat herder’s son.  Meanwhile, “American Sniper” alternates between our hero’s harrowing battlefield exploits and his home front activities with his wife and family.  Eastwood doesn’t immortalize Chris Kyle as an invincible, larger-than-life, titan. Actually, we watch in horror as Kyle unravels with each tour until he can no longer tolerate the traumatic pressure of combat.  In this respect, “American Sniper” doesn’t pull any punches about the caliber of warfare that our guys had to contend with in Iraq.  Mind you, it isn’t gripping in the same slam-bang sense that “Black Hawk Down” was, but “American Sniper” still qualifies as a tour-de-force, first-rate, action yarn.  I don’t think Bradley Cooper will clinch the Best Actor Oscar, but you will know that Cooper takes his craft seriously.  Aside from Cooper, the only other three-dimensional, flesh-and-blood character is Kyle’s long-suffering wife, Taya (British actress Sienna Miller of “Foxcatcher”), who goes toe-to-toe with him.

Primarily, Eastwood filters everything through Kyle’s perspective, and you don’t witness any of those standard-issue scenes with natty politicians and high-ranking officers arguing about strategy at headquarters.  Eastwood rarely shifts the focus away from either Kyle with his family or Kyle with his buddies.  Of course, Kyle and his buddies form a tightly knit group from their rigorous beachfront SEAL team training to the devastating combat in Iraq. Predictably, warfare dwindles their numbers.  Particularly shattering is Kyle’s loss of his buddy Biggles (Jake McDorman of “Aquamarine”) who survives long enough to die in surgery. The camaraderie between Kyle and Biggles is sometimes hilarious as well as distressing.  Kyle’s younger brother Jeff (Keir O'Donnell of “Wedding Crashers”) drifts into and out of the action.  Jeff accompanies Kyle on the rodeo circuit in Texas and later follows him to the battlefield in Iraq.  Altogether, “American Sniper” ranks as a memorable military actioneer with some salty dialogue.

FILM REVIEW OF ''THE BOY NEXT DOOR" (2015)

Jennifer Lopez isn’t a bad actress, but she is so miscast so miserably as a high school English teacher in “The Boy Next Door” (* OUT OF ****) that not even a seasoned Hollywood helmer like Rob Cohen can salvage this substandard stalker saga.  Although he has directed hits like “The Fast and the Furious” and “xXx” as well as above-average epics like “Daylight,” “Stealth,” and “Alex Cross,” Cohen appears appallingly out of his element with this formulaic fiasco.  Not only does the tawdry “The Boy Next Door” miscast Lopez, but also it makes Ryan Guzman, John Corbett, and Hill Harper look just as inapt.  Whatever Lopez and the other twelve producers on this picture admired about rookie writer Barbara Curry’s screenplay must have been either altered or didn’t survive the final cut.  Although she received an MFA in scriptwriting from UCLA, Curry should have kept her old day job.  She spent ten years as an Assistant U.S. Attorney in Los Angeles where she toiled in the Major Violent Crimes Unit and handled federal cases involving murder-for-hire, prison murder, racketeering, arson, kidnapping, and bank robbery.  Reportedly, Curry taught criminal procedure at FBI Headquarters in Quantico, Virginia, and pushed for trial advocacy at the U.S Justice Department in Washington, D.C.  In time perhaps, Curry might brush up on her storytelling skills and become a  better writer.  “The Boy Next Door” is neither suspenseful nor surprising, unless you’ve never seen a single stalker movie.  Quite often, our sexy heroine, her oblivious colleagues, and her unsuspecting kin do some really stupid moves that make this movie appear more like a comedy than a drama.  The best thing about this predictable pabulum is that it clocks in at a minimal 91 minutes.  Meanwhile, “The Boy Next Door” has sold enough tickets to qualify as a “hit.”  Produced for a paltry $ 4 million, this mediocre crime melodrama has coined more than $20 million at the box office box, an amount sufficient to pay off its budget as well as its advertising.

Lopez plays English teacher Claire Peterson who teaches classic literature, specifically “The Odyssey” and “The Iliad,” at a California state public high school.  Our heroine looks far too incendiary for her own good.  Mind you, I’m not saying high school English teachers cannot look stunning, but Lopez strains credibility with some of her wardrobe.  As the action unfolds, Claire has separated from her philandering husband, Garrett Peterson (John Corbett of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”), who careens around in muscle cars and had an affair with his secretary.  Since you never get a glimpse of the other gal, you have to wonder how she compared with Claire.  Presumably, Garrett was probably taking advantage of his lowly employee because she was younger than Claire.  Meantime, Claire’s teenage son, Kevin (Ian Nelson of “The Hunger Games”), suffers from asthma and allergies when bullies aren’t badgering him.  The senior citizen next door to Claire (Jack Wallace of “Boogie Nights”) has just taken in his handsome, but orphaned, 19-year nephew, Noah Sandborn (an improbable 27-year old Ryan Guzman of “Step Up Revolution”), whose own dad died in a mysterious car crash.  Hint, hint! Claire encounters this charming Abercrombie & Fitch pin-up boy while she is wrestling with a cranky garage door.  One weekend, while Garrett and Kevin are away on a fishing trip, Claire accompanies her best friend and colleague, High School Vice Principal Vicky Lansing (Kristin Chenoweth of “Strange Magic”), on a blind date from Hell.  The well-meaning Vicky has set Claire up with a gruff anti-intellectual guy.  After she walks out on this loser, our distressed heroine finds herself face to face with charismatic Noah.  During a vulnerable moment, Claire abandons her morals as easily as Noah disposes of her lingerie.  Lopez displays little more than her shapely thighs while Guzman keeps her breasts discreetly covered with his groping paws.  The morning after when he awakens her with orange juice and coffee, Noah cannot imagine why Claire would be racked with recriminations.  Complicating matters even more, Noah is a transfer student who has enrolled in classes at the same high school where Claire teaches.  Lusting after her, Noah decides to pursue Claire, but she rebuffs his advances.  Eventually, Noah turns psychotic.  Initially, he hacks into Claire’s e-mail account and obtains permission from Principal Edward Warren (Hill Harper of CBS-TV’s “CSI: New York”) to enroll in her class with her apparent approval.  Similarly, Noah befriends Kevin, teaches him how to box, and tries to turn him against Garrett who wants desperately to patch up his marriage with Claire.  In a burst of rage, Noah pulverizes one of Kevin’s bullies, and Vicky expels Noah.  Meantime, Vicky uncovers some disturbing information about Noah, and she finds herself on the wrong end of his rage.  Ultimately, Noah horrifies Claire with news that he made a video of their sex act and threatens to expose her!  At this point, you’re liable to laugh your head hysterically off rather than gnaw your fingernails in dread.

Comparatively, “The Boy Next Door” reminded me of “Fatal Attraction,” “Single White Female,” “The Hand That Rocks the Cradle,” “Swimfan,” and “Basic Instinct.”  In a “Cosmopolitan” magazine interview, Curry said she drew inspiration from a real-life incident involving a high school teacher who had seduced one of her underage students.  Sadly, the relationship between Claire and Noah, especially their voyeur episodes, is so outrageous that you cannot take the drama seriously.  Cohen claims he wanted to craft the ultimate erotic thriller along the lines of those previously mentioned movies, but he embroiders clichés.  Some of the action scenes, particularly a runaway car episode, provide only a momentary relief from the Harlequin-like soap opera shenanigans.  Cohen generates a modicum of suspense in the tradition of “Rear Window” when Claire searches Noah’s man cave for the sex video.  Most of the time, however, you’ll felt insulted by the idiotic antics of these clueless cretins.  “The Boy Next Door” isn’t a third as exciting as last year’s “No Good Deed.”

FILM REVIEW OF ''NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM" (2006)

Children that haven't seen the Robin Williams fantasy "Jumanji" (1995) may enjoy the supernatural shenanigans in the new Ben Stiller comedy fantasy "Night at the Museum" more than their elders. Like the "Jumanji" inspired space epic "Zathura" (2005), "Night At the Museum" plunges average everyday mortals—usually a single father and his children (numbers vary)--into paranormal peril, but the principals don't play games in this variation on a theme. As entertaining and imaginative as both "Jumanji" and "Zathura," "Night at the Museum" (***1/2 OUT OF ****) resembles one of its best computer-generated special effects—the rambunctious skeleton dinosaur that prefers to play fetch with one of its own bones like a dog. Meaning, "Night at the Museum" qualifies as bare-bones buffoonery that shuns literal logic for outlandish laughs. This 108 minute nonsense relies on lowest common denominator comedy with a PG rating. Ben Stiller makes himself appear suitably ridiculous as a divorced dad who wants to impress his impressionable young son. Stiller's on-again, off-again co-star Owen Wilson, best known for "Wedding Crashers," has a small role—literally speaking--but gets in a few jibes at Stiller's expense. Wilson plays a pint-sized cowpoke in a railroad diorama who clashes with an empire-building Roman centurion (Steve Coogan of "Around the World in 80 Days") from another diorama. The two constantly clash with each until our sincere, underdog hero convinces them to stop fighting each other and help him with the animals. Classic TV comedian Dick Van Dyke and classic screen comedian Mickey Rooney steal a couple of scenes from Stiller as villains forged in the "Home Alone" mold.  Although it relies lavishly on its special effects to compensate for its skeletal storyline and its superficial characters, "Night at the Museum" boasts more than enough breakneck adventure. Stiller gravitates between two gals, his ex-wife Erica (Kim Raver of TV's "24") and an attractive museum docent Rebecca (Carla Gugino of "Snake Eyes"), but the movie gives these relationships short shrift. The father and son relationship at the heart of the drama doesn't fare any better, serving largely as a plot device to advance the action. Unlike both "Jumanji" and "Zathura," "Night at the Museum" also contains armies of  Lilliputian soldiers along the lines of Jonathan Swift's "Gulliver's Travels." Clearly, "Pink Panther" director Shawn Levy and co-scenarists Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon of TV's "Reno: 911" had their work cut out for them. They fleshed out Croatian artist Milan Trenc's 32-page illustrated novel, published back in 1993 by Barrons, and targeted primarily at pre-schoolers. Undoubtedly, Levy and company added the farcical scene where a small monkey urinates contemptuously on our hapless hero.

Brooklyn born Larry Daley (Ben Stiller of "Meet the Parents") is a deadbeat dad in search of a job. Larry is one of those crack-pot inventors who conjure up their ideas a little too late to capitalize on them. He explains to an unsympathetic job counselor, Debbie (his real-life mother Anne Meara), that his finger-snapping lights failed because most people found it far easier to clap rather than snap. While the "clapper" lights proved to be a success, Larry's "snapper" lights sank out of sight. Fearful that his ten-year old son Nick Daley (newcomer Jake Cherry) will be ashamed of him, Larry agrees to take a lowly job as a night watchman at the American Museum of Natural History in New York City. Of course, it doesn't help matters in Larry's eyes that his ex-wife's new boyfriend (Paul Rudd of "The 40-Year Old Virgin") has convinced Nick to follow in his footsteps as a Wall Street bond trader. The current day watchman, Cecil (Dick Van Dyke of TV's "Diagnosis Murder"), tells Larry that the museum plans to down-size security, and Larry will end up doing the work of three guards. Mickey Rooney of the venerable "Andy Hardy" movies and Bill Cobbs of "New Jack City" play the other two veteran guards. Cecil, Gus, and Reginald will retire from the museum since attendance is severely down. What they neglect to tell Larry is that the animals-on-display, the full-sized replicas of historical figures, and the finger-sized soldiers in the dioramas come alive at night. The next day Cecil enlightens Larry. According to Cecil, an ancient Egyptian artifact on the premises radiates an inexplicable power that brings these displays to life. If any of the museum pieces try to escape, they suffer the unhappy fate of being turned into powder at the first light of day. Otherwise, everything in the museum returns to normal. Craftily, Cecil, Gus, and Reginald have plans for that relic and Larry will be their unwitting fall guy. Virtually everything that can go awry in Larry's life occurs on the second night on his job, but the movie makers play it all for Keystone Kops style slapstick.

Despite the monkey that anoints our hero with a golden shower, "Night at the Museum" is about as family-friendly as a PG-rated movie can get. Although the violence is unmistakably synthetic, some youngsters may cringe at the rampaging T-Rex. The special effects wizards have again broken new ground in computer-generated animation, but the animals
themselves lack personality. Again, the T-Rex skeleton earns some laughs for behaving like a colossal canine. Robin Williams wears a period Rough Riders' army outfit throughout as former president Teddy Roosevelt, but he is as spontaneous as ever. Smitten by a pretty Indian maiden in a Lewis and Clark display, Teddy is too shy to talk to her until Larry coaxes him out of his shell. Chiefly, Levy and his scribes poke fun at Stiller as he struggles to outfox the obnoxious animals or befriend the historical figures. Nevertheless, everything is handled
with such imagination that it is no wonder this lightweight lark coined over $574 million worldwide. Don't leave the theater before the end credits conclude because you'll miss an important facet of the finale. If you enjoy "Night at the Museum," you should also check out "Jumanji" and "Zathura." "Zathura" to see how much better these movies are by comparison.

FILM REVIEW OF ''NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: SECRET OF THE TOMB" (2014)

Beyond its worldwide haul of $560 million, the “Night at the Museum” movies may not be remembered as the most thought-provoking family-friendly film franchise, but they were neither monotonous nor obnoxious.  The final installment “Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tablet” (*** OUT OF ****) folds up the franchise neatly with fond farewells to both the late Robin Williams and the even later Mickey Rooney, while it doesn’t wear out its welcome with maudlin sentimentality.  Shawn Levy, who directed both “Night at the Museum” (2006) and “Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian” (2009), is back at the helm, but scenarists Robert Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon didn’t pen this entry.  Nevertheless, this featherweight, PG-rated, 97 minute, CGI-laden saga with slapstick galore maintains sufficient momentum.  Comparatively, “Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb” isn’t as exciting as “Night at the Museum.”  Ben Stiller is still resourceful as museum security guard Larry Daly.  Moreover, Stiller does double duty and also plays a wacky Neanderthal caveman who believes Larry is his pater familias.  This constitutes one of several running gags throughout “Secret of the Tomb.”  While they appear briefly at the outset, Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney, and Bill Cobbs are given far less to do than they did as the kleptomaniacal security guards in the above-average original.  In his last film performance, Oscar-winner Robin Williams co-stars again as Rough Riding President Theodore Roosevelt.  Enhancing continuity even more, Owen Wilson and Steve Coogan are back respectively as pint-sized cowpoke Jedediah and Roman centurion General Octavius.  These two tykes score some of the largest laughs, particularly when they utilize an enormous contraption to post Internet messages.  Ricky Gervais returns as persnickety museum director Dr. McPhee; Patrick Gallagher as Attila the Hun; Rami Malek as Ahkmenrah; and Mizuo Peck as Sacajawea. The only change is actor Skyler Gisondo has replaced Jake Cherry as our hero’s teenage son Nick; Cherry played Nick in the two earlier epics.  Indeed, Larry and Jake’s deliberations about the latter’s collegiate future could have been left on the cutting room floor.  Otherwise, little has changed despite the passage of years.  British actress Rebel Wilson, making her debut as Larry’s counterpart, a nocturnal British Museum security guard, adds ample spontaneity.  “Downtown Abbey” star Dan Stevens fleshes out the cast as Sir Lancelot, one of the British Museum exhibits who comes to life, too.  

“Dinner for Schmucks” scribes David Guion & Michael Handelman and Levy freshen up the franchise the third time out with background history surrounding the mysterious Tablet of Akmenrah.  Remember, this gilded Egyptian antique is what enabled the inanimate museum exhibits--whether they consisted of wax, bone, or stone--to cavort about after dark as if they possessed life.  “Secret of the Tomb” unfolds in sun-scorched Egypt back in the year 1938 with an “Indiana Jones” prologue.  A joint Anglo-American archeological expedition is searching for a rare artifact, when Chief Archaeologist Robert Fredericks (Brennan Elliott) shoos his meddling son, Cecil (Percy Hynes-White), off the site.  Quite by accident, the unsuspecting Cecil stumbles onto the mother lode when the ground collapses under him and he plunges into the pharaoh’s burial chamber.  Nothing really hair-raising occurs, but this atmospheric incident sets the stage for all subsequent hilarity.  Naturally, the locals are more anxious about the tablet’s discovery than the myopic archaeologists.  Indeed, they warn these outsiders that nothing good can come of this discovery.  Eighty years or thereabouts later, the sacred tablet that resembles a colossal keypad displays signs of sea-green corrosion.  This oxidization takes a toll on the fixtures so they behave in a menacing manner.  During an after-dinner gala fundraiser for museum donors in New York City, pandemonium erupts when the exhibits run rampant and frighten everybody.  This debacle deprives Dr. McPhee (Ricky Gervais of “Cemetery Junction”) of his job as curator.  Young Egyptian King Ahkmenrah (Rami Malek of “Need for Speed”) suggests Larry (Ben Stiller) fly the afflicted stone tablet back to the British Museum where his astute father, Pharaoh Merenkahre (Ben Kingsley of “Exodus”), who is one of the exhibits, can clarify what ails the artifact.  Of course, the incredulous Dr. McPhee believes none of the claptrap Larry feeds him.  Nevertheless, he conspires to help our sincere hero gain access to the facility without arousing suspicion.  Evidently, sneaking into a London museum after hours doesn’t constitute anything death-defying where British homeland security is concerned.  The last thing Larry does before he flies off to handle these hi-jinks is quiz elderly Cecil (Dick Van Dyke of “Mary Poppins”) about what transpired in Egypt.  Eventually, Larry and his eccentric posse, including Teddy Roosevelt (Robin Williams), Attila the Hun (Patrick Gallagher), Native American princess Sacajawea (Mizuo Peck), Jedediah (Owen Wilson), Octavius (Steve Coogan),Larry’s son Nick (Skyler Gisondo), a Neanderthal nitwit named Laa (Ben Stiller), and the adorable capuchin monkey Dexter (Crystal the Monkey) bluff their way past a loquacious security guard, Tilly (Rebel Wilson of “Fever Pitch”), who has no clue about their intentions.  Once they enter the London Museum, our heroes find themselves up to their necks in anarchy orchestrated principally by the conceited, sword-wielding, legendary, Round-Table Knight, Sir Lancelot (Dan Stevens), who appropriates the enchanted tablet for himself without realizing the ultimate jeopardy that he threatens one and all into before dawn.

The computer-generated shenanigans of the strange London exhibits, a rambunctious triceratops fossil, are every bit as comical and imaginative as the Big Apple exhibits.  The highlight of the London mayhem occurs when Larry and Teddy pursue the elusive Lancelot inside an M.C. Escher staircase painting.  Predictably, Dexter makes the biggest splash when he gives Jedediah and Octavius a golden shower to save them from the devastation in the Pompeii exhibition.  One of the most surprising surprises occurs during Lancelot’s interruption of the stage play “Camelot,” when he contends with actor Hugh Jackman.  As entertaining as the third outing is, “Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb” surpasses neither “Night at the Museum” nor “Night at the Museum: Battle at the Smithsonian.”